Draft:Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Change Your Sex Life

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
Come As You Are is a book written by Emily Nagoski that is written for cisgender women to help them better understand their own bodies, sexuality, desires, and orgasms through the lens of four fictional women’s stories, which are constructed from composites of hundreds of women’s stories to emphasize common themes experienced by many women. This book was a New York Times Bestseller and John Gottman even said “This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire…”

No two are alike
In Chapter 1 of the book, Nagoski does a deep dive into understanding what is normal as it relates to female anatomy. Throughout Chapter 1 of the book, Nagoski consistently reiterates that while everyone’s body is unique, “they’re made of the same parts, organized differently”; her goal is to reinforce the understanding that individuals’ differences do not make them abnormal, whether it be the way their genitals look or who they’re attracted to. She also makes sure to go into great detail to explain homology between sexes; males develop a penis, scrotum, and testicles where females develop a clitoris, labia majora, and ovaries, respectively. She makes a point to also explain some of the ways that intersex individuals can develop and reiterates that there is nothing wrong with intersex individuals, their parts are just organized in a different way. She also makes certain to emphasize that a lot of the genitals seen in pornography are digitally altered and should not be viewed as a frame of reference for what is normal. She also gives step by step instructions on how to find your clitoris, because “unlike the penis, the clitoris’s only job is sensation” (p. 21)

Dual control model
In Chapter 2, Nagoski explains the Dual Control Model of sex, which is characterized by the Sexual Excitation System, also known as the accelerator of your sexual responses, and the Sexual Inhibition System, also known as the brakes of your sexual responses. This theory was originally introduced by researchers at the Kinsey Institute in 2001. The Dual Control Model emphasizes that sexual inhibition and sexual excitement are separate systems rather than two sides of the same system (Bancroft, 2009). Nagoski goes into great detail about how both of these systems work and provide different signals to the brain, even though those signals can end up being in conflict with one another. She also includes short quizzes in the book for individuals to see how sensitive their own “accelerator” and “brakes” are. She makes sure to emphasize what “medium” means and also that no matter what you score, you are normal; the quiz is just about better understanding yourself.

Context
In Chapter 3, Nagoski explains how sensation is dependent on context. An example of how this works is being tickled by your partner; when you are turned on already, and your partner tickles you it can be a lot of fun and can lead to even more fun, but if you are in an irritable mood and they tickle you it will likely lead to you being even more irritated or frustrated. She also explains that a majority of the time when you are stressed, your brain interprets most things as threats. Similarly, when you are already turned on, your brain interprets most things as sexy. She also explains the concepts of liking, wanting, and learning in the context of sex which she references through the rest of the book. “Liking is the closest to what we generally think of as ‘reward’”, “learning is the process of linking in what’s happening now with what should come next” and “wanting is the generic accelerator of the emotional brain” (pp. 83-84).

Emotional Context
In Chapter 4, Nagoski focuses on how emotions impact our sex lives. She goes into great detail about the stress response cycle and what the fight, flight, and freeze responses look like, and how to help close the stress cycle. She also goes into great detail about the emotional context for survivors of sexual trauma and how to work through that trauma in a variety of ways. She explains how different attachment styles impact the emotional context of sex.

Cultural Context
In Chapter 5, Nagoski discusses the way that sex is talked about within our cultural and how it can lead to mixed messaging and confusion around sex. She goes into detail about how most messaging about sex people learn growing up is similar to the definition in Ideal Marriage which was written in 1926 which essentially says that sex is between two adults of opposites sexes which concludes with the man ejaculating. She also references the Hite Report written in 1976 that redefines sex to mean intimate contact focused on pleasure that can be with someone else or alone, the desire is not necessarily to orgasm, and there are no actual goals. She elaborates on the type of messaging people hear about sex, The Moral Message (You are damaged goods), The Medical Message (You are diseased), and The Media Message (You are inadequate) (p. 156). She goes on to explain why being self-critical will never lead to a better sex life and that your physical size does not have an impact on your ability to have great sex. She also goes into elaborate detail on how sexual disgust impacts your sexual “brakes”.

Arousal
In Chapter 6, Nagoski discusses the concept of arousal nonconcordance; this is when there is physical arousal present without subjective arousal or vice versa. In men, arousal concordance happens about 50% of the time when presented with sexual stimuli, but in women it only happens about 10% of the time. This means that even though women may be physically stimulated, only about 10% of the time is that stimulation also matched to their subjective arousal. She goes on to explain the ways that arousal nonconcordance can show up and result in beliefs about women’s sexuality that are untrue; the three myths she highlights are vaginal lubrication equals desire, vaginal lubrication equals enjoyment, and that arousal nonconcordance is a symptom of a bigger problem.

Desire
In Chapter 7, Nagoski discusses desire styles and levels of desire, along with how they impact our sex lives. Nagoski explains that “Though details vary from person to person, we can experience desire in a variety of ways, depending on the context and the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators” (p. 221). She goes on to explain that low sexual desire is a contextual issue within a relationship, and often the best way to work through it is to take sex off the table entirely to stop the “chasing dynamic” that happens when the partner with the higher desire is always asking the partner with the lower desire for intimacy. She then goes on to explain that low desire can often come from not having the sex they actually want to have; it’s hard to desire something you don’t like. She also emphasizes some of the most important components of sex are communication, emotional connection, and comfort, rather than desire.

Orgasm
Chapter 8 is all about orgasms. Research indicates that orgasms are a mental process more than physical. She also emphasizes that orgasms are not “the pinnacle of pleasure” and that sometimes they will feel better than others based on context, and that is completely normal. She goes on to explain that under one third of women can consistently orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Most often women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. She also explains that orgasms are determined by how much you enjoy them, not the type of stimulation used to achieve them.

Love what’s true
In Chapter 9, Nagoski focuses on bringing all the chapters together. She emphasizes the need to validate your own feelings and to approach your sexuality from a place of non-judgement. She explains ways to approach nonjudgement through the lens of “no good reason [for experiencing a feeling]”, healing trauma, pain, pleasure, and mourning the “shoulds” (pp. 295-304).

Conclusion
In the conclusion of the book, she explains that she wrote the book and where to get additional clarity on the topics within it. She also includes appendixes including instructions on how to do therapeutic masturbation and instructions on how to practice extended orgasms.

Additional Information
Since this book came out in 2014, there has been a plethora of additional research and information released about the topics covered in this book.

It has been said that this book should become a part of sexual education, especially for women, though one of the drawbacks of this book is that it is specifically focused on cisgender women, though Nagoski is very clear from the beginning about that, and that trans people are not discussed largely because at the time it was written their was not enough research done related to trans people’s sexuality.

The orgasm gap is a concept that is not covered in Nagoski’s book directly, but many of the concepts within her book touch on how close the orgasm gap. One of the best ways to close the orgasm gap is to be honest with your partner about what you truly want from sex, rather than faking orgasms.

According to research the biggest predictors of if women have more frequent orgasms is not based on their experience level or number of partners, but with openness of sexual communication with their partners and sexual self-esteem.