Draft:Erich Dublon/WUSTLWikiWarrior Peer Review

General info
Madisonokon
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Madisonokon/Erich Dublon
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * N/A

Evaluate the drafted changes

 * Lead:
 * Lead should include dates of birth and death near beginning
 * I really like the summary of the article you give, but I would try to make it a bit more concise; there are a few sentences in the lead that don't mention Dublon that I think can be shortened if not cut
 * Content:
 * I think that many of your sections deviate too far from the story of Dublon himself; the article reads like it's about the journey of the SS St. Louis, which the Dublon family happened to be on
 * Follow your "Return to Europe" section as a model! It is very concise, and while it is one of your shortest sections, I'd say I learned the most about Erich and his family in it. Great job w/ that section
 * When you mention specific places, ideas, or entities relevant to Erich's story, hyperlink the corresponding Wikipedia article! This would free you up to make your points pertaining to historical context more compact/direct
 * While the family is integral to the story, try to focus a bit more on Erich himself. I feel like I learned a lot about his family and their collective plight, but not Erich in particular
 * Tone and Balance
 * Article is largely neutral, but there are a few points in the "Nazi Persecution" and "Immigration Policies" sections where you seem to inadvertently frame certain things/people negatively without substantiating it in the article (even if you are absolutely correct in your assertions!)
 * Two examples are describing certain policies as "this Nazi tyranny" in the persecution section and calling Gonzalez a "corrupt actor" in the policies sections
 * Even if you are completely right, it shows your opinion coming through
 * Back half of the article is excellent in this regard
 * Excellent usage of different sources
 * Definitely meets notability requirement
 * Variety of types of sources (the diary stands out) really helps balance everything out
 * Organization is great; I would recommend cleaning up the "Deportation" section a little bit, just because I had to search for the part about Erich. Maybe move his death to the end of the paragraph? Parts about him should jump out
 * Include commas after town names if they are followed by country name
 * You have LOTS of good information, and it is written well; it just needs to be cleaned up a bit, and more of the focus has to be on the Dublons