Talk:2016 Camellia Bowl/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)

Hi there! I'll be reviewing this page within the next week or so. For full transparency, I have made two edits to this page (22 Dec 2016 and 23 Dec 2016), though they were merely adding statistics to, and updating formatting on, a table that no longer exists within the article; I had nothing to do with the article's expansion. Note also that this is my first GA review, so I'll try my best! PCN02WPS ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)

I have added some comments on the first few sections, I should get to the rest of the article in the coming days. PCN02WPS ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 07:16, 22 March 2021 (UTC)

I've finished with the rest of the comments below. Thanks for your patience. PCN02WPS ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 05:02, 23 March 2021 (UTC)

Placing on hold for now, take as much time as you need to address further changes. PCN02WPS ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 02:22, 25 March 2021 (UTC)

Lead

 * "Played on December 17, 2016 at the Cramton Bowl..." → add comma after 2016
 * Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "it was the third edition of the bowl game" → I'd specify that it was the third edition of the Camellia Bowl, specifically
 * Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "Division I-FBS" → I think the hyphen is included for "Division I-A", but not for "Division I FBS"
 * Done. Toa Nidhiki05
 * "a share of the Sun Belt conference championship" → capitalize "Conference", as the game is the championship of the Sun Belt Conference
 * Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "The Rockets entered the game as one-point favorites, but the matchup was widely expected to be competitive" → reword this slightly, since the fact that Toledo was a one-point favorite supports the expectation for a competitive game instead of contradicting it.
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)

Team selection

 * "with a team from the Mid-American Conference" → add "(MAC)" after "Mid-American Conference" to specify since "MAC" is used elsewhere in the article
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "The game's creation was requested by the two conferences, lower-tier conferences in Division I-Football Bowl Subdivision (Division I-FBS) that desired additional bowl bids." → this sentence reads awkwardly, I'd reword this to eliminate repetition and see if the comma can be dropped (and nix the hyphens on Division I-FBS).
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "Although the Rockets had the 4th-ranked offense in the nation as compared to 55th for the Mountaineers, the 15th-ranked Mountaineer defense was ranked well above the 55th-ranked Toledo defense." → I would be consistent with how you refer to each team; you refer to App State as "Mountaineers" twice but use "Toledo" and "Rockets" once each in that sentence.
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)

App State

 * "Appalachian State nearly upset the #9-ranked Tennessee Volunteers" → "No. 9 Tennessee Volunteers"; per MOS:POUND, the "#" symbol should not be used as a number indicator.
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "falling 20–13 in double overtime" → "falling 13–20 in double overtime" - typically, the team in question's score comes first, rather than the winner's score regardless. Also applies to "45–10" loss to Miami and "28–24" loss to Troy
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "12 Appalachian State players were named..." → WP:NUMNOTES advises to avoid starting a sentence with a number
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i>
 * "...but had recorded 872 rushing yards and eight touchdowns..." → since the first figure is represented by numerals (872), it's better to do the same for the second as well.
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)

Toledo

 * "...but had won the 2015 Boca Raton Bowl against #24 Temple." → change to "No. 24 Temple", per above
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "The Rockets only losses..." → "Rockets" is possessive, so add an apostrophe and change to "The Rockets' only losses"
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
 * In the start of the second paragraph, swap the order of the scores for losses and replace "#" with "No."
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "they would won the West division" → "they would have won the West division"
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)

Broadcast and game notes

 * "was broadcast on television on ESPN and on radio at ESPN Radio." → sounds more natural to me to say it was broadcast "by" xyz rather than broadcast "on" xyz
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


 * specify the conference that the referee crew represented
 * Done, but had to add a new source.. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "ended at 8:00" → "ended at 8:00 p.m."
 * isn't the eight implied? PM is already used earlier and it specifies the length overall as less than four hours. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * Good point, struck. PCN02WPS  ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)

First quarter

 * "...Nick Ellis punted the ball on fourth down to Jaquil Capel of Appalachian State, who fair caught the ball at..." → gets a little repetitive, with "ball" in there twice
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "...but were called for pass interference..." → link to pass interference
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "...and the extra point from Jameson Vest made tied the game at 7–7." → doesn't read very well, I'd leave out "made"
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * I'd be consistent with how you refer to yard lines; although MOS says to write out numbers from zero to nine, I think consistency is more important here. I'd go with numerals for all yard lines (that is, 8-yard line rather than eight-yard line).
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)

Second quarter

 * "...but the return was called back due to a holding penalty." → link "holding penalty" to Holding (American football)
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "seven-play" → "7-play" for consistency within the sentence
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "Appalachian State fair caught the punt at their 28-yard line, but a personal foul penalty pushed the ball back..." → link "fair caught" to fair catch and "personal foul penalty" to Personal foul (American football)
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "nine-play" → "9-play", as above
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)

Third quarter

 * "fourth-down conversion" → hyphen is unneeded
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "On the ensuing drive, Toledo answered with their own touchdown drive - a 14-play, 75-yard drive that ended with a four-yard touchdown pass from Woodside to Thompson." → I'd reword to make this a touch less repetitive (emphasis is mine)
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "five-play" → "5-play", as above
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "...a Moore rush for no yards, before the half expired." → This occurred at the end of a quarter, as opposed to the end of a half.
 * Corrected. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)

Fourth quarter

 * "third-down run" → hyphen is unneeded
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i>
 * "third and 11" → "3rd and 11", since you use "4th and 1" and "4th and 7" later in the paragraph.
 * done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 00:55, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
 * "Corey Jones returned the ensuing kickoff the Toledo 43-yard line." → "...kickoff to the Toledo..."
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 00:55, 26 March 2021 (UTC)

Aftermath

 * "...down 25 and 20% from the previous year's..." → I'd add a percent sign after "25" as well, just to make it as easy to read as possible.
 * Done. <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Toa</i> <i style="color: green; font-family: Mistral;">Nidhiki05</i> 18:09, 24 March 2021 (UTC)

Overall assessment
My concerns have been addressed, so I am passing. Congrats, well done. PCN02WPS ( talk  &#124;  contribs ) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)