Talk:Abbas II of Persia/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Amitchell125 (talk · contribs) 07:47, 20 August 2022 (UTC)

Happy to review the article.

Review comments

 * There are a few prose issues, which are easily sorted, and if you are OK about it, I will be bold and sort them out myself (you can revert them, of course, if I have made an error). Examples - he was nine-year-old - ‘he was nine’; Remarked by modern historians - ‘Described by modern historians’. How do you feel?
 * By all means, go for it.


 * Link grand vizier; Georgians.
 * Done


 * Consider using this image in the infobox, as the one already there already appears elsewhere in the article.
 * I would've changed the lead image, but the one you linked is both of low quality and has low-lighting in comparison to the incumbent.


 * Introduce Rostom Khan.
 * Done


 * small conflict fought between 1651 and 1653 – I would link all of this text.
 * Done


 * His efforts – whose efforts are being referred to here?
 * Mohammad Beg, the grand vizier. Amended it.


 * Thirty-four – ‘34’? (minor point, and optional, see MOS:NUMERAL).
 * I think I'll go with thiry-four.


 * "Abbas II has often received admiration'' seems redundant, as it is clear this is the case from what is said already in the paragraph.
 * Amended it


 * as he had an Armenian Christian as a friend himself seems excessively detailed for the lead section.
 * Deleted it.

More comments to follow. Amitchell125 (talk) 12:22, 25 August 2022 (UTC)

* Link Shah; Mesopotamia; Ottomans; opium.
 * Done


 * Unlink Turkoman; Caucasus; Qizilbash (duplicate links).
 * Done


 * Is there an image available for this section (perhaps a map or a portrait of any Abbas II’s ruling ancestors)?
 * Added two maps.


 * Furthermore is redundant imo.
 * Done

More comments to follow. Amitchell125 (talk) 14:27, 25 August 2022 (UTC)


 * Move link to harem to the 4th paragraph.
 * Done


 * Unlink Safi of Persia; Georgian; Qazvin (dup links).
 * Done


 * According to the Dutch report – which report is being referred to here?
 * The source only says "National Archief, Records of the Verenigde Oostindische Compagne" So I assume it was a scribe of the Dutch East India company.
 * I think it's worth including this information, which readers might find informative. Amitchell125 (talk) 14:02, 28 August 2022 (UTC)
 * Added it Amir Ghandi (talk) 14:15, 28 August 2022 (UTC)


 * Link eunuchs; toman (Iranian toman); theological (theology); sommelier.
 * Done


 * was appointed to blind – sounds strange to me. Was he appointed or was he ordered?
 * The former. His job was to blind the princes.


 * tax remission – do we know who benefitted?
 * Unfortunately, no.


 * although, his tenure bore no significant to others before him – sorry, I’m unclear what this means.
 * An all the sources, it is said that Khalifeh Sultan's second tenure was more well-recorded comparing to his first tenure. And overall, he didn't do anything important as the grand vizier for Safi.


 * What does did not take any foreign advantages and do not take advantages from Shah Jahan's military campaign mean?
 * Meaning not to attack Kandahar while Shah Jahan is campaigning in Transoxiana.


 * Is the title not meant to say 'The northern frontiers'?
 * Is it part of the Manuel of Style? Done anyways.


 * and disturbed Rostom's borders until 1648 – what is meant by disturbed?
 * As in provoking insurgency.


 * abandon his policy – which policy is being referred to here?
 * Settling Qizilbash tribes in Kartli.


 * Unlink Qizilbash; Turkoman; Ardabil; Isfahan (dup links); Moscow (MOS:OL).
 * Done

Amitchell125 (talk) 19:31, 25 August 2022 (UTC)


 * Unlink Mohammad Beg (dup link).
 * Done


 * Improve the prose by separating Allahverdi Khan. Allahverdi Khan in the first paragraph.
 * Done


 * appointing the next grand vizier – ‘appointing him as the next grand vizier ‘?
 * mainly driven from - ‘mainly caused by’.
 * Done


 * of the silk for trade - ‘of raw materials for the silk trade’?
 * Done.


 * further put the state's income into decline – ‘put the state's income into further decline’?
 * Done.

Amitchell125 (talk) 18:30, 26 August 2022 (UTC)

, we have a problem. The article is interesting, well researched and referenced, properly structured and illustrated, but the quality of the English prose is not good. I cannot continue to copy edit the article for you, because as a reviewer I should only edit it if it is "marginally non-compliant" with with a GA (see WP:GAN/I). Instead of failing the article for not being well written, I'd like to wait for it to be fully checked through and edited before I continue with the review. This could be done either by yourself or by another editor (perhaps from the Guild of Copy Editors). I'm happy to wait until this is done, I understand it's not always a quick process.

How do you want to proceed? Regards, Amitchell125 (talk) 18:46, 26 August 2022 (UTC)


 * If its possible, I would like to copy edit it myself. Amir Ghandi (talk) 21:04, 26 August 2022 (UTC)
 * OK, please let me know when you would like me to continue working on the review, and I'll wait until then. Amitchell125 (talk) 21:33, 26 August 2022 (UTC)
 * @Amitchell125 Alright, did some editing. Thoughts? Amir Ghandi (talk) 06:27, 28 August 2022 (UTC)
 * Thanks for letting me know, I'll continue from my end. Amitchell125 (talk) 14:17, 28 August 2022 (UTC)


 * Unlink Tahmasp I; Qom; Circassian (dup links).
 * Done


 * The image caption should not have a full stop, as per MOS:CAPFRAG.	\
 * Amended it


 * specie problem looks like a typo.
 * specie is 'money in the form of coins rather than notes.'
 * I've added the template specie to avoid anyone else making the mistake i made. AM


 * the pleasures of the flesh should be replaced by something less idiomatic (see MOS:IDIOM).
 * changed it to 'sexual activities'


 * persist – ‘persistent’.
 * Done


 * I would add a comma after including syphilis.
 * Done


 * Amend he had two sons to 'Abbas had two sons', to avoid confusion between Abbas and his successor.
 * Done

More comments to follow. Amitchell125 (talk) 14:30, 28 August 2022 (UTC)

These sections appear to need to be copy-edited:
 * 4.1 - of to the treatment (of the treatment); to Persian (into Persian); And maintained (He maintained); Father of (the father of); persecution of Sufis were increased greatly (the persecution of the Sufis increased greatly); wasn't (was not); enjoyed alcohol carousing (drank heavily?); hyporterically (?); the monarchs who gave up drinking (such monarchs); being the long reign of Tahmasp I (being Tahmasp I); selling (the sale of); A royal firman of Abbas II regarding granting pension to the Shi'ia scholar Mohammad Bagher Sabzevari. (A firman of Abbas II granting a pension to the Shi'ia scholar Mohammad Bagher Sabzevari); conversion, even fiercer (conversion even more fiercely); Iranian Jews (the Iranian Jews); into New Julfa (to New Julfa); the number of (the number was); were banned (were closed); very tolerant towards Christians (tolerant towards the Christians).


 * 4.2 - from the peace (due to the peace); from the economical crisis (because of the economical crisis); saw its decline (declined); The decline was (This was); was in fact increased (increased); However, with the economical decline upcoming, the state could no longer provide money for a lasting army (The state could no longer pay the army); The result of such neglects was that discipline (Army).


 * All done

Also,
 * Unlink Ardabil; Tahmasp I
 * Thus, He encouraged Abbas to follow his ancestor's path merely duplicates the text before it, and so could be deleted.
 * and not leave that area – is not needed here, as it is clearly what happens when people are forced to go somewhere.
 * Link messianic (presumably Messianism).
 * I would add a comma before who wrote.
 * All done

Copy editing issues:
 * 4.3 - marked with caution and calculation (cautious and calculating); the European (European); various types (types); the Persian Gulf trade route (the Persian Gulf); However, from time to time, the companies' presence would prove (The companies' presence sometimes proved); apex (peak); Furthermore, the (The); as such during Abbas' reign (during Abbas' reign); notwithstanding of favourable opportunities that occurred during his reign, for instance (despite, for instance); the Fire of 1660 which burnt Two-thirds of Istanbul (the 1660 fire of Istanbul, which destroyed two-thirds of the city); not threatened (not threaten); for a shaken truce (for a truce?); into the Iranian territory (Iranian territory).
 * All done

Also,
 * Unlink firman; Treaty of Zuhab (dup links); spices; sugar; textiles (common terms).
 * In the caption, al-Sultan Shah Abbas (and) Akbar ibn Humayun should be within quotation marks.
 * All done

Copy editing issues:
 * 4.4 - mid-to-late-seventeenth century (mid-to-late 17th century); miniature was also strong (miniatures were also strong); to either copy them (to either copy it); by the European (by European); the aforementioned Mohammad Zaman (Mohammad Zaman); is the Chehel (are the Chehel); apace Abbas' (apace during Abbas'); blue and white (blue-and-white); 1643–5 (1643–1645); outshine as (be).
 * All done

Also:
 * Unlink Chehel Sotoun; Ismail I; Tahmasp I;  Abbas I; Kerman, and all the lines in the first 3 images in the gallery (dup links).
 * Amend the construction of to ‘the building of’; causing arts to ‘causing them’, to avoid repeating construction in the text.
 * Link manuscript.
 * Unlink Rome (MOS:OL).
 * The These ceramics sentence is imo too long, and would benefit from being split.
 * All done


 * Unlink Nowruz; Isfahan; Jean Chardin (amend to Chardin); Abbas the Great (dup links).
 * Done


 * In need of copy editing – seventeen-years-old (17 (or seventeen));
 * Done


 * to his drinking parties is redundant and can be removed. Ditto Regarding his appearances.
 * Done


 * a gift from the Russian doesn’t sound complete.
 * Changed it to "and was also a gift from the Russian"


 * Abbas is praised – who praised him? 'Abbas has been praised' might be better here.
 * Amended it

More comments to follow. AM

In need of copy editing:
 * towards the state affairs (for state affairs); one of the three (the three); realm that was safer to travel within compared to the road Europe (realm, and one that had roads that were much safer than those of Europe); what these observers failed to intuit was the corrupted internal Safavid bureaucracy during his era. And the fact that his campaign to Kandahar launched the (they failed to notice the corruption of Abbas’ internal Safavid bureaucracy, or that his campaign to Kandahar began a); Although these conditions tarnish Abbas' reign in some ways, it is worth to note his efforts (Abbas made an effort); representing (that represented); Indeed, such efforts made the twenty-four-years of his reign relatively peaceful and scarce of rebellions (His endeavours meant that his 24-year-long reign was relatively peaceful and free of rebellions); several years (a number of years); as forceful ruler (as a forceful ruler); call him a king both just and magnanimous and even liberal (call him a just, magnanimous and even liberal king).
 * All Done

Also,
 * Unlink Ismail I (dup link).
 * Done


 * travelers – 'travellers'? (as honour and neighbour, both British English, are used)
 * Done


 * Imo and not without reason at that sounds editorial and should be removed.
 * Deleted it


 * as the outflow of the income that hampered his efforts – needs rephrasing.
 * Amended it.


 * Is the decline of the Safavid state at the end of a sentence?
 * Yes; put a comma after "state" So now its "the decline of the Safavid state, and Modern historians"

" Deleted it
 * after his death is redundant. Ditto once and for all.
 * Link Suleiman I.
 * Done


 * Historians after the fall of the Safavid dynasty – doesn’t seems to make sense.
 * Changed historians to commentators like in the lead.


 * Note c requires a citation.
 * Done


 * Even though the sources give article titles in capital letters, you need to amend them all for the article, e.g. ADMINISTRATION in Bakhash, S. (1983).should read ‘Administration’.
 * Done

On hold
I'm putting the article on hold for a week until 6 September to allow time for the issues raised to be addressed. Regards, Amitchell125 (talk) 12:21, 29 August 2022 (UTC)


 * @Amitchell125 All of them are done. Amir Ghandi (talk) 13:50, 29 August 2022 (UTC)
 * Thanks Amir Ghandi, I'll check the changes a bit and get back to you. Amitchell125 (talk) 15:26, 29 August 2022 (UTC)
 * OK, we're getting close. The following look like the last of the copy editing points, apologies if I missed any.


 * Lead section/infobox
 * led by Georgians - (led by the Georgians); various position (various positions); from the shah (from the shah’s).


 * 1 Background
 * and the blind sons (and the sons); that later on (that later).


 * 2 Ascension and regency
 * more energetic to be involved (more energetically involved).


 * 3.1 War for Kandahar
 * great loses (great losses); relief force (a relief force); elephants and canons (war elephants and cannons); organisation problems (organisational problems); lack of military resolve (a lack of military resolve).


 * 3.2 The Northern Frontiers
 * the king of kingdoms of (the king of); made a sudden attack to (attacked); and successfully drove out (successfully driving out); to no longer (not to); the relations became even more tensed (tension increased); his was (being); their settling (their base).


 * 3.4 Death
 * And he made an effort (He made an effort); Overall, Abbas had two sons, and reportedly, he favoured his younger son, Hamza Mirza, from a Circassian concubine. (Abbas had two sons. He reportedly favoured his younger son Hamza Mirza, whose mother was a Circassian concubine).


 * 4.4 Arts
 * I would make The popular demand for traditional miniatures the start of a new paragraph.

Amitchell125 (talk) 11:44, 30 August 2022 (UTC)


 * All Done Amir Ghandi (talk) 11:53, 30 August 2022 (UTC)

Pass
The article is passed, congratulations. Amitchell125 (talk) 12:25, 30 August 2022 (UTC)