Talk:Abrahams Commission/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Khazar2 (talk · contribs) 01:39, 9 April 2013 (UTC)

I'll be glad to take this review. Initial comments to follow in the next 1-3 days. Thanks in advance for your work on this one! -- Khazar2 (talk) 01:39, 9 April 2013 (UTC)

Review
I've taken a first pass of the article. I think it's off to a good start, and I particularly thank you for working in a neglected area of Wikipedia--our coverage of African history is simply shameful. Unfortunately, though, I think this still has some work to do before it meets the Good Article criteria. My biggest concern is that the article needs copyediting to catch the numerous small errors. (If you're not comfortable doing this yourself, you might put in a request at WP:GOCE.) Speaking more broadly, the prose clarity would also be improved with less complicated sentence structures and shorter paragraphs. Specific points are below, but please note that this list isn't complete, only what I noted on a quick first read.

So I don't feel that this one is ready for GA at this time, but I hope it will be soon, and that you'll consider renominating it at that point. Your work is very much appreciated! -- Khazar2 (talk) 02:23, 9 April 2013 (UTC)

Specific action points

 * The many long paragraphs make this article a bit of a slog at times to read. Consider breaking them in a shorter (4-6 sentence) chunks.
 * "Attorney general" --should either have both words capitalized or neither
 * "the The African Lakes Company" -- appears to be word repetition
 * "Eugene Sharrer Alexander Low Bruce" -- is there a comma missing here?
 * " Eugene Sharrer Alexander Low Bruce, the son-in-law of David Livingstone and John Buchanan and his brothers" -- this list could use clearer punctuation
 * "Similar claims were not upheld in northern Nyasaland, claims and were not recognised by government of Northern Rhodesia" -- not clear what the phrase "claims and were not" means here.
 * "When the legality of the Certificates of Claim system was challenged in 1903 on the basis that the agreements made by the chiefs breached the rights of their community members, the Appeals Court upheld their validity, however it did rule that many aspects of the agreements made by the chiefs were unfair and one-sided" -- comma splice
 * book titles under "sources" should be italicized. "Land and Politics in Malawi 1875-1975"" has a floating quotation mark.
 * This isn't necessary for the GA criteria, but it would improve the article's readability to remove some repeat links--the crown, sovereignty, chiefs, etc.
 * " the policy of Indirect rule" -- probably not necessary to capitalize "indirect rule" here--unless this policy is usually capitalized, in which case both words should be.
 * "For many years after the initial shock of the John Chilembwe uprising " -- consider explaining briefly what this was.
 * "where this with competed Europeans" -- is the word order switched here?
 * "by reserving for the African living outside the estates" -- "African" should probably be plural here
 * " reported in Nyasaland was unsuitable for settlement by large numbers of Europeans" -- should this be "reported that"?
 * Consider alphabetizing the sources list for ease of reference.

Firstly, I'm grateful for your constructive comments; this was very helpful as the opinion of someone not directly involved in the subject puts it into context. Secondly, I feel rather embarrassed about the numerous small errors that crept in. I will deal with those you note and any others I can find, and have resolved to be more careful next time. I think the only one of your suggestions I have any doubts about is alphabetizing the sources list; it is currently in the order in which the sources first appear, which I find can be more helpful.

Regards, Shscoulsdon (talk) 08:02, 9 April 2013 (UTC)
 * No need to be embarrassed; it happens to me all the time, unfortunately, even with stuff I've re-read and re-edited; sometimes you just need a second pair of eyes. As for the source list order, there's no policy on it, so that's your call. Thanks again for your work on this one! -- Khazar2 (talk) 13:33, 9 April 2013 (UTC)