Talk:An Empty Bliss Beyond This World/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Wetrorave (talk · contribs) 13:03, 9 April 2022 (UTC)

As the creator of most articles for Caretaker albums, this seems fit for me. Although I did make some edits to this page, I did not contribute to AEBBTW as significantly as EATEOT (which I've made a FA).

Ah e acabei de perceber que vc é brasileiro, nice :). But let's keep it in English for now, so that other editors can understand what we're saying.
 * Não sabia que também era brasileiro :) Seu trabalho em Everywhere ficou fenomenal, parabéns. Skyshifter   talk  14:04, 9 April 2022 (UTC)
 * Valeu cara, sério msm :) Wetrorave please don't 9 April 2022 20:39, 9 April 2022 (UTC)


 * One comprehensive piece of writing recently published that is related to AEBBTW is . You may want to check it out.

Lead and infobox
Will add more comments soon. Wetrorave please don't 9 April 2022 13:03, 9 April 2022 (UTC)
 * "is the ninth studio album" - link studio album
 * I don't think this wikilink is needed; done everything else Skyshifter   talk  21:57, 11 April 2022 (UTC)
 * "by The Caretaker," → "by the Caretaker"
 * "felt when they listened to it." → "felt listening to it.
 * "The LP comprises modified samples of pre-World War II shellac ballroom jazz records Kirby bought cheaply at a Brooklyn store in December 2010." → "The album samples pre-World War II ballroom records Kirby bought at Brooklyn in December 2010."
 * "This theme of Alzheimer's in music would be greatly expanded upon through 2016 to 2019 through Kirby's final series of albums as The Caretaker, Everywhere at the End of Time." → "The album's concept would be expanded upon through Kirby's final major work as the Caretaker, Everywhere at the End of Time (2016–2019)."
 * "and making its way into numerous year-end lists by publications." → "and earning several year-end accolades."
 * Release date is unsourced, should be 1 June; add "Released on 1 June 2011,[4]" and make [4] be this
 * I recommend removing the "Recorded" parameter of the infobox, as the album only samples already recorded songs
 * "Flats in Berlin and England" – from what I know per (starting with "I never listen to my own music..."), Kirby produced AEBBTW only on Berlin. Plus, mentioning a city and then a country is awkward; I recommend removing "England" as it's unsourced as well
 * In Genre, "drone" is unsourced; remove it

Concept

 * "follows the mind of a person who tries and struggles to remember even small parts of their life using broken sounds." → "reflects, with broken sounds, the mind of an Alzheimer's patient who struggles to remember parts of their life."
 * "people with Alzheimer's disease" → "people with the disease" per previous sentence change
 * "to remember music they listened to when they were younger, as well as where they were and how they felt when they listened to it." → "to remember music from their time, as well as their context within the patient's life."
 * "by the use of ballroom music" → "by the ballroom music"
 * The quote in the first paragraph is way too long for it not to be WP:COPYVIO; maybe shorten a bit?
 * Removed last sentence Skyshifter   talk  00:02, 13 April 2022 (UTC)
 * "Some tracks on An Empty Bliss Beyond This World" → "Some tracks on An Empty Bliss"
 * "have another slightly-different version of it that appears later in the album and have the same name," → "appear twice but are sampled differently,"
 * "only half as long as the first version of the track on the LP." → "only half as long as the first."
 * "As Savage analysed, the repeating of samples and loops on the LP questions" → "According to Savage, the repetitive aspects of the album question"
 * "as well as 'if samples are being looped or whether the pieces chosen, in their role as background to an always already arriving vocal line or dance step, are repetitive in and of themselves. – I'd suggest removing this quote entirely to avoid COPYVIO; Savage is already quoted ad nauseam
 * "suddenly end" → "end suddenly"
 * "the album's closer fades out which, according to Savage, is a "memento mori" → "the album's closer fades out, representing, in Savage's opinion, a "memento mori"
 * I'd recommend putting the last sentence of the second paragraph in Composition, since it describes how the tracks end
 * "An Empty Bliss Beyond This World has retrofuturistic themes" → "An Empty Bliss has retrofuturistic themes"
 * "Where [Numan] was content to tell, The Caretaker [...] has shown, and in doing so gone one better — he's given us the shade of Lynn herself, while making apparent its ghostly, absent nature." – remove to avoid COPYVIO
 * All ✅! Skyshifter   talk  00:02, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

Production

 * "making a record like An Empty Bliss" → "making An Empty Bliss"
 * "and the album was made because of 'pure chance in action at all times. – wording here is vague, and how exactly is this quote relevant?
 * Removed Skyshifter   talk  00:02, 13 April 2022 (UTC)
 * "The making of the album" → "Its making"
 * "when he shopped" → "when Kirby shopped"
 * I'd like to avoid repetition from the last sentence. Skyshifter   talk  00:02, 13 April 2022 (UTC)
 * "numerous old ballroom music records." → "numerous ballroom records." – "ballroom" already implies that the records are old, and "music" is, well... redundant
 * "He wouldn't use the records for a while" → "The records would be left unused for a while"
 * "on a broken turntable and transferring the recordings" → "on a broken turntable. He then transferred the recordings" – just to divide and shorten the sentence a bit
 * "during the 2010 eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull.[8][4]" → "during the 2010 eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull.[4][8]" (refs should be in order)
 * "Then, by the time" – remove "Then"
 * All ✅! Skyshifter   talk  00:02, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

Composition

 * "Compared by multiple commentators to William Basinski's album series The Disintegration Loops (2002)[4][1] and the music for the BioShock series,[11] as well as by Brandon Bussolini to the works of Philip Jeck[14] and Mike Powell of Pitchfork to Ekkehard Ehlers' "Plays John Cassavetes 2" and Gavin Bryars' "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet,"[6] the LP uses samples of obsolete pre-World War II 78-rpm ballroom jazz recordings.[5][7][4][6]" – this sentence is far too long to be read normally; replace it with the one below.
 * "An Empty Bliss Beyond This World uses snippets of several 78-rpm ballroom records.[4][6][7] It drew comparisons to William Basinski's album series The Disintegration Loops (2002) and the music for the BioShock series,[1][4][11] as well as the works of Philip Jeck and Ekkehard Ehlers.[6][14]"
 * "The samples in An Empty Bliss Beyond This World's first tracks are the most prominent." → "The first tracks in An Empty Bliss feature the most prominent samples."
 * "Surrounding these samples are vinyl scratches[15] and click and pop sounds" → "Surrounding these are vinyl scratches,[15] as well as click and pop sounds;"
 * "that, in the words of Savage, are "steampunk glitches."[1]" → "these, in Savage's opinion, are "steampunk glitches."[1]"
 * "All of the sounds" → "The sounds"
 * "as giving the LP" → "as giving the album"
 * "Thus, as Savage wrote, "the experience begins to fall apart."[1]" – remove to avoid copyvio and over-reliance on one ref
 * "which starts a clear repeat of the music sources heard in the LP's early tracks that ends the album." → "which ends the album with a clear repeat of the samples heard in the first tracks."
 * "The primary attention" → "The focus"
 * "An Empty Bliss Beyond This World has" → "An Empty Bliss has"
 * "The tracks on the LP" – remove "on the LP"
 * "Some songs end abruptly in what feels like their mid-way point,[6][1][15] and the album also has a "jump cut" method of transitioning between each track and noticeable skipping through melodic samples.[8]" – replace with the following sentence
 * "The album also has a "jump cut" method of transitioning between each track and noticeable skipping through melodic samples;[8] some songs end abruptly in what feels like their mid-way point.[1][6][15]"
 * "The LP develops from its small changes in reverb and echo and how the amount of noise that surrounds the samples increases." → "The album slowly develops changes in reverb, echo, and noise."
 * "of the samples" – remove
 * "Bussolini analyzed" → "Bussolini analysed" – this is because Kirby is from England, and thus the article should be written in British English
 * "that the audio sources used" → "that the samples"
 * "to them which" → "to them, which"
 * "what gives the LP" → "what gives the album"
 * "described the tone of An Empty Bliss Beyond This World as" → "felt An Empty Bliss was"
 * "other reviewers noted brighter vibes with the LP." → "others described the album in a brighter tone."
 * "wrote that An Empty Bliss Beyond This World" → "said the record"
 * "was different from the "dissonant and reverberated" past releases of the Caretaker" → "differs from the Caretaker's past "dissonant and reverberated" releases"
 * "it had a tone that was "subtle" → "it has a tone more "subtle"
 * "similarly noted" → "similarly remarked"
 * "of the LP" → "of the album"
 * "which he wrote" – add "in" before "which"
 * "D. M. Edwards, a critic for PopMatters, opined" → "PopMatters critic D. M. Edwards opined"
 * "An Empty Bliss Beyond This World also differs" → "An Empty Bliss also differs"
 * "whereas the audio sources were previously obscured" → "whereas samples were obscured"
 * "here there is a much clearer focus on the samples." → "samples are much clearer here."
 * "[8][18][14]" → "[8][14][18]
 * All ✅! Skyshifter   talk  15:50, 17 April 2022 (UTC)

Critical reception

 * Sputnikmusic should not be italicised
 * "He analyzed" → "He analysed"
 * "released yet" – remove to avoid redundancy
 * "labeled An Empty Bliss Beyond This World" → "labeled An Empty Bliss"
 * "analyzed," → "analysed,"
 * "the LP's ability" → "the album's ability"
 * "achieve a "perplexing and strenuous" task of inducing many emotions into the listener," → "achieve the "perplexing and strenuous" task of inducing many different emotions into the listener,"
 * "called An Empty Bliss Beyond This World" → "called An Empty Bliss"
 * "opined that it was far superior of most other" → "opined it was far superior to most other"
 * "describing the way the samples are edited on the LP" → "describing the edits done to the samples"
 * "described the album" → "described An Empty Bliss"
 * "the LP's unique" → "the album's unique"
 * "he also felt that the album was" → "he also felt it was"
 * "Reporter magazine's Alex Rogala" → "Reporter's Alex Rogala"
 * "called the LP" → "called the record"
 * "one of the best of 2011, explaining "While it may not be one of 2011's strongest albums," – pera, que? How did he call the album one of the best of 2011 and, at the same time, said it is not one of 2011's strongest albums?
 * Also, [25] is dead and has no links on the Wayback Machine
 * Removed and merged with next paragraph Skyshifter   talk  10:35, 18 April 2022 (UTC)
 * The first sentence of the penultimate paragraph is excessively detailed; maybe remove the article name?
 * "that the LP" → "that the album"
 * "compared the record"
 * All ✅! Skyshifter   talk  10:35, 18 April 2022 (UTC)

Accolades

 * For this section, I'd recommend to lay out the text of the first paragraph into a table, with the second paragraph appearing before that table (like on Everywhere at the End of Time). I can help you with that if you want, and you can also use EATEOT's table code as a template and attempt to understand things from there (which was how I did it, but with A Crow Looked at Me instead).
 * Skyshifter  talk  03:30, 21 April 2022 (UTC)
 * Don't really mind about this for now, but strongly consider it if you wish to work it up into FA status. Wetrorave please don't 26 April 2022 18:53, 26 April 2022 (UTC)


 * "and other forms of media" – ref mentions only films ("Cinema screens glowed with antique revisions,") so I'd suggest removing
 * ✅ Skyshifter   talk  03:30, 21 April 2022 (UTC)


 * "These films included Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), Midnight in Paris (2011), The Artist (2011), and Hugo (2011)." – it would be easier to remove all instances of "(2011)", since the reader would already know from the previous quote.
 * ✅ Skyshifter   talk  03:30, 21 April 2022 (UTC)

Track listing

 * I've added the Altered Zones bonus tracks, feel free to comment on that if you want
 * No problem Skyshifter   talk  02:48, 26 April 2022 (UTC)


 * I don't think "(1)" and "(2)" are necessary for the repeating tracks, since the reader would already know about that based on their track number
 * Removed Skyshifter   talk  02:48, 26 April 2022 (UTC)