Talk:Aqua (Kingdom Hearts)/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: DragonZero (talk · contribs) 08:49, 4 August 2013 (UTC)

Issues must be addressed to pass, suggestions are suggestions. DragonZero ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 08:49, 4 August 2013 (UTC)

Issues

 * "as Keyblade-wielding warrior" a
 * "base for director Tetsuya Nomura to design," unclear awkward wording
 * "thus Nomura had pressure on how to make her appealing to gamers."
 * Ventus's ->Ventus' Multiple times
 * Link Kingdom Hearts II in the first mention
 * Link Terra and Ventus in the article
 * "Ventus until the χ-blade explodes" The general reader would be unsure if the explosion is significant
 * "However, Aqua saves Terra's by"
 * unlock his own heart in the internal struggle and fall into the Realm of Darkness" Accessibility issues with the term "unlock his own heart"
 * "at the shores of a dark ocean" Unnotable description of a location.
 * "in the ending where she is still at the shores of the dark ocean" You should probably remove the mention of that location.
 * "director Tetsuya Nomura stated he still did not design her appearance" Unclear. Link Tetsuya Nomura
 * "Her outfit was based on Terra's Japanese-inspired clothes which are meant to expand the student-and-teacher bond shown in the game." Contradicts what source 17 says. The source says the characters were given Japanese clothing to compound with the Japanese master and student relationship.
 * "In contrast to Terra and Ventus, Aqua did not have a base to design her, leading Nomura to call a completely new character." Clarify, expand if you need to. A base design? Call a completely new character?
 * In the develpment, either there are places that are unsourced or they need encasing.
 * "When designing her, Nomura was worried about her possible lack of popularity due to her lack of connections with other Kingdom Hearts characters unlike Terra and Ventus." -> "While designing Aqua, Nomura expressed concerns that the character would be unpopular due to her lack of connections with other Kingdom Hearts characters" or something.
 * "Therefore, he decided to make her a strong girl as he mentions he did the same with Xion for Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days but in a different way; while Xion was made a brave girl, Nomura wanted to keep her feminine despite her strength." It feels like there isn't a connection between ideas here. Strong girl is vague, was that the term he used? "As he mentions he did" At this point, I think it should be rewritten for accuracy and concision. Consider the same thing for the sentences after this one.
 * I don't think the voice actor's previous role needs to be mentioned.
 * "take some getting used to" reword
 * "and recommended them use her"
 * I won't go into further detail on the last paragraph in development, but there is too many words for few ideas. Try rewriting there. There are also grammar implosions. For example, the last sentence in development.
 * The whole first paragraph in reception isn't reception towards the character. If the first paragraph is removed, the second paragraph will to be rewritten.
 * Remove Aqua's gameplay reception from the second paragraph. I'll check again after the rewrite.

Suggestions

 * "However, she is also told by Eraqus to watch over Terra's development and bring back Ventus who left the Land of Departure." I suggest removing this from the lead. It breaks the flow and the wording is awkward. "However" suggests those two additional goals of hers contradict with her mission to find Xehanort. This is probably left better explained in the more in depth appearance section.
 * "As she travels across the worlds, Aqua starts doubting about Terra's actions in the worlds, while Ventus decides not to return home until Terra is safe." These two events don't sound very significant. If you do remove this, you'll have to change the sentence after this to fix the flow
 * "Since Nomura felt that the outfit she was wearing during the Tokyo Game Show 2009 was too revealing since her entire back is exposed when she jumps in the air, he modified her outfit to create a design that was neither too conservative nor too revealing." Should be rewritten due to awkward flow
 * Fix External link redirects


 * Thanks for the review! I will be addressing the critiques sunday/monday when I am free on vacation. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 23:56, 6 August 2013 (UTC)
 * The deadline will be near the end of August then. DragonZero  ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 22:17, 17 August 2013 (UTC)


 * Comment: "Ventus's ->Ventus' Multiple times", "Ventus's" should be fine -- some even prefer it. Generally, only plurals that end with an S are encouraged to go the lone apostrophe route. – Bellum (talk) (contribs) 22:25, 22 August 2013 (UTC)
 * Yes they are both grammatically correct. The possessions should match how they were localized in the game, and I assumed it was just the apostrophe since it's what I've seen from other games in the series. DragonZero  ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 04:50, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * Fair enough. Alas, I don't have a copy of the game on me, so I assume you're probably right. – Bellum (talk) (contribs) 09:42, 23 August 2013‎ (UTC)
 * Failing due to inactivity. DragonZero  ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 01:51, 26 August 2013 (UTC)