Talk:Aqua (Kingdom Hearts)/GA2

GA Review
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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 03:25, 3 March 2016 (UTC)

As a big fan of Kingdom Hearts, I would love to review this page for GAN. I will have all of my comments posted within the next couple days (by the end of the week by the latest). Aoba47 (talk) 03:25, 3 March 2016 (UTC)

Lead

 * Change "disappearance from Master Xehanort" to either "disappearance of Master Xehanort" or "Master Xehanort's disappearance." Your sentence is implying Master Xehanort is a place and that someone is missing from there. This also applies to "a comrade from Eraqus" so change to either "a comrade of Eraqus" or "Eraqus' comrade."
 * Clarify/define the location “Land of Departure” in the Appearances section as it reappears throughout the page and would not be clear to someone unfamiliar with the games.
 * The use of “however” seems unnecessary and should be removed as it interrupts the flow of the lead. It suggests a large contrast with the prior sentence when such a contrast is not present or made clear.
 * The meaning of following sentence is unclear: "Unlike Terra and Ventus, Aqua was the only protagonist from Birth by Sleep who did not have a base for director Tetsuya Nomura to design, and thus Nomura had pressure on how to make her appealing to gamers." What exactly is the term "base" and "pressure" referring to? Also this is a long sentence containing a lot of content so I would advise breaking it up into smaller sentence to clarify the intended meaning and help the flow of the lead.
 * Replace Ventus's with Ventus' as that is the proper way of spelling the possessive. Replace throughout the entire page not just for the lead
 * ”mixed critics” should be “mixed criticism”
 * Briefly clarify what the critics are referencing about Aqua. What about her personality and role? Was she annoying? Did they believe she had too big of a part? Too little of a part? What about her gameplay? Was it too difficult? Too easy? Too inconsistent with the rest of the game? Be specific, but concise since this is for the lead.
 * Great work clarifying the meaning! Just as a minor note, make sure to put a comma between the phrase "With fans" and "Aqua". Otherwise, it is looking really good so far.

Appearances

 * For the first sentence, I would clarify "Before her introduction" as "Before her proper introduction" or something along those lines as it is somewhat of a contradiction to say a character is introduced in a game but was shown in games released earlier.
 * Unlink Kingdom Hearts II as it was already linked in the lead.
 * For this sentence ("When Xehanort goes missing, Eraqus instructs Terra and her to find him..."), say Terra and Aqua to clarify the "her" being identified.
 * "Aqua starts doubting about Terra's actions" should be ""Aqua starts doubting Terra's actions" (the about is not grammatically correct)
 * You identify a majority of the character through his or her relationship to Eraqus. It would be stronger to identify them by something that an unfamiliar reader may better understand or image, such as introducing Master Xehanort as a fellow Keyblade master or Yen Sid as a sorcerer. The constant repetition of Eraqus is unnecessary and somewhat distracting from the page's focus on Aqua.
 * Briefly clarify the importance of the x-blade. What makes it different from the other keyblades?
 * I understand what you mean by the phrase “unlock his own heart in the internal struggle and fall into the Realm of Darkness” but this would not make any sense to someone unfamiliar with the series. Make sure the meaning of this sentence is clear.
 * Clarify what Aqua is saving in the sentence “Aqua saves Terra's…”
 * Comma not necessary in “Upon hearing Sora's name, and recognizing it as…”
 * Clarify your mention of the dark ocean. Again, I know what you are referring to since I have played the games, but an unfamiliar reader may not understand its importance or meaning. This is important as the “dark ocean” is brought up multiple times in this section so the reader should have a clear understanding of what it is referring to. Same thing with “Realm of Darkness”

Creation and development

 * Link Testsuya Nomura
 * Clarify what it is meant by “wishing gamers to hint more about them”
 * Again, clarify what you mean by “did not have a base to design her”
 * The sentence about the exposed back needs to be reworded and shortened for clarity. You could do something like (Nomura felt the open back of Aqua’s outfit presented at the Tokyo Game Show 2009 was too revealing and modified the design to be more conservative)
 * Link Tokyo Game Show
 * If Nomura used the term "strong girl", then put it in quotes. If not, then clarify what this means exactly. Same goes for “brave girl.”
 * The sentence about Toyoguchi should be broken up as it’s convoluted. It could be done like so (Toyoguchi had already worked with Nomura when voicing Paine, one of Final Fantasy X-2’s protagonists. She used a lower tone when voicing Paine, but used one closer to her normal voice when voicing Aqua, which Nomura praised as better representing the character.)
 * The sentence (“Ever since the game started development, the staff decided it would be divided in three scenarios, with Aqua's being the last one written.”) is unclear and needs to be reworked. What do you mean by the three scenarios? Are you referring to Terra and Ventus?
 * Overuse of the word scenario in the last section; did the developers use this word?
 * The sentence (“The staff had in mind which when developing her movements, while her personality was described as a serious and dignified young woman.”) should be shortened. You could do (The staff developed her movements to reflect her personality as a serious and dignified young woman).

Reception

 * In the first line, remove the reference to Terra and Ventus to just "her brief appearance" to maintain the focus on her character.
 * Emily Gera's review seems unnecessary as it does not tie that much into the character and acts more as a broad statement about the three characters as a group. I would advise removing it.
 * "Prior to her initial" should be "Prior to Aqua's" since the sentence currently makes the subject Jeremy Parish. I would change the sentence to the following: "Prior to Aqua's appearance in Birth by Sleep's trailers, 1UP.com's Jeremy Parish stated that fans speculated the character would be male."
 * Change "a male" to "male" like I previously suggested or say "speculated that she would be a male character".