Talk:Arthur Blackburn/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 13:42, 1 January 2019 (UTC)

Prose

 * I've lightly copyedited, feel free to revert or change anything back
 * Thanks. All good. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Blackburn enlisted in the Australian Imperial Force in August 1914 maybe add a mention of what war it is here, like Upon the outbreak of World War I...
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Why would an army officer be made coroner?
 * Well, he was an experienced lawyer, which is consistent with it being a judicial-type appointment. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * They entered camp at Mena maybe say "The Australian Military Camp at Mena" and link to Mena House (per this) so the reader know where it is.
 * Not sure how helpful that is. I'd link Mena if there was a suburb article, but couldn't find one. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * in the shadow of the Great Pyramid of Giza on the following day,: Is that the best way to say it? Shadow seems very non wikipedia-esque.
 * Yes, waxing a little poetic there, wasn't I? Changed to "near the". Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * The 3rd Brigade had been chosen as the covering force why not "The 3rd Brigade was chosen as the covering force" unless this leads into something?
 * Good point. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Might be my American-ness slipping in, and feel free to revert, but I removed a few 'the's, 'that's, and 'was's that read as unnecessary or repetitive
 * In my experience, American English can be a little truncated in that respect, but I've left them out and will see what others think when this gets to Milhist ACR and FAC. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Sydney is dup-linked in the body
 * Fixed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Blackburn, as the senior Allied officer present, accepted the surrender of Damascus on 21 June. seems to be directly lifted from here and should be rephrased.
 * Quite. Fixed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * There seems to be inconsistency between "Gallipoli Campaign" and "Gallipoli campaign". I changed instances to a capital C per the page title, but I really cannot tell which is correct.
 * I think we follow the article, so capital C it is. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Blackburn went on leave in France from 29 April to 7 May,[18] and the battalion was committed to fighting on the Western Front in June not sure how these are related.
 * split sentence. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)


 * About 05:30, a am or pm? (or, if going for 24 hour time, convert the earlier time to that (began rowing ashore at about 4:30 am))
 * fixed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)

Thanks for the review so far. I think I've addressed all the above. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:01, 2 January 2019 (UTC)
 * Doesn't the VC citation say "Sargeant" not "Serjeant"? per this...
 * No, if you check out the linked gazette entry from the citation, it uses Serjeant (an obsolete form of Sergeant). Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Did he make it back into service before being discharged? If so, add mention. If not, it's fine as is.
 * No, he didn't, just back to Oz and medical discharge. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * On 6 April 1918 maybe say "In early 1918...and was elected on 6 April 1918" because as is it gives the impression that he only ran on 6 April 1918 (might just be my American english though...).
 * Good suggestion. Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Link Profit sharing?
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * he was elected president of the: later you say state president...
 * it says the was "elected the president... in South Australia", so state president is implied. If you think it needs to be explicitly stated (as some won't know South Australia is a state), I will. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)
 * , I added this one. Eddie891 Talk Work 23:56, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Vichy France is dupe linked
 * Fixed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * was also downplayed with the Vichy Forces maybe say "was also downplayed as the Vichy Forces" because downplaying wouldn't make the opposing forces have stronger force?
 * Better. Thanks. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Link Damascus.
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * SS Orcades, minus its machine guns and vehicles, and less one company I personally think that "SS Orcades, with one less company and no machine guns or vehicles" would read better, but its personal preference. Also this sentence could use a mention of where they went
 * Done. They didn't know where they were going, it was decided while they were en route. Do you think this needs to be stated explicitly? Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Shouldn't it be "Luitenant-generaal Hein ter Poorten"?
 * Self-administered uppercut. I usually use the non-English language rank, but slipped up this time. Fixed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)


 * Blackburn was briefly held at the Changi POW Camp. link to Changi_Prison?
 * Done.


 * That's it... Happy to promote after and support for A-class if you nominate. Eddie891 Talk Work 00:09, 3 January 2019 (UTC)
 * Thanks for your comments and review, . I think I've addressed everything, but had a couple of queries above about explicitly stating things. Cheers, Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:03, 3 January 2019 (UTC)
 * , Added state president, but the other ones are fine by me as is. Eddie891 Talk Work 23:58, 3 January 2019 (UTC)

Categories

 * Is Category:Australian Army officers necessary because he's in a subcat? Eddie891 Talk Work 00:10, 3 January 2019 (UTC)
 * Very good point, Australian brigadiers is a subcat. Removed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 08:39, 3 January 2019 (UTC)

Overview

 * I just wanted to say how much of a genuine pleasure it has been for me to read over and review this article, to the point that I had to pull out my magnifying glass and really pick apart the article to find any faults. Keep up the great work! I'd be greatly indebted if you could take a look at my first ever A-class nomination, but by no means do not feel like you have to. Eddie891 Talk Work 00:17, 3 January 2019 (UTC)