Talk:Ayumi Hamasaki/GA1

GA Review
This review is transcluded from Talk:Ayumi Hamasaki/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Lead
"Since her 1998 debut with the single "Poker Face", she has sold around 50 million records[7] with the releases of her nine full-length studio albums, one mini-album, four compilation albums, forty-four singles, and numerous non-studio albums."

The part after the reference is a fragment. What does it mean?
 * I suppose it's redundant, since the types of records she released (albums, singles, vinyls, etc.) are mentioned in the article. Replaced. Thanatous (talk) 04:49, 6 June 2008 (UTC)

Childhood and early endeavors
"She did not meet with much success in these endeavors: she was deemed by her talent agency as too short to be a model, and the projects she acted in were not well-received by the general public."

Should be a semicolon, not a colon.
 * Fixed, thanks. Thanatous (talk) 04:46, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Moreover, Hamasaki did not do well in school. Although she originally got good grades, she eventually decided that subjects she was taking were of no use to her; consequently, her grades dropped drastically and she became a delinquent."

The first sentence is too short, so maybe you can re-mix the sentences. Also, "Moreover" is not really used in modern English a lot.
 * Should I just remove the first sentence? Or would it be too much of a stretch to assume that the "consequently, her grades dropped drastically" would already convey the message (that she did not do well in school)? Thanatous (talk) 05:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * I think taking out the first sentence would be fine. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 05:53, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. Thanatous (talk) 16:23, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"When the album failed to chart on the Oricon, the label dropped her.[14] Shortly afterwards, Hamasaki left high school. A high school dropout with no job, she spent much of her time shopping at Shibuya boutiques and dancing at Velfarre, an Avex-owned disco club."

First of all, you repeat "...left high school. A high school dropout...". That's redundant. Also, how important is is that she "spent much of her time shopping at Shibuya boutiques and dancing at Velfarre, an Avex-owned disco club."?
 * Which part in the second sentence is redundant? Just the "high school" part or the whole part about being a dropout? Thanatous (talk) 04:46, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * You say she left high school, and then say it again; that is redundant. Also, again: how important is is that she "spent much of her time shopping at Shibuya boutiques and dancing at Velfarre, an Avex-owned disco club."? Noble Story (talk • contributions) 05:53, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * I changed it to "Shortly afterwards, Hamasaki left high school; with no job, she spent much of her time shopping at Shibuya boutiques and dancing at Velfarre, an Avex-owned disco club." Also, I just thought that Velfarre might be significant, since that was where Hamasaki met her future producer. Thanatous (talk) 16:23, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"It was at Velfarre where Hamasaki was introduced to her future producer, Max Matsuura, through a mutual friend."

Might be better to reword: "At Velfarre, Hamasaki was introduced to her future producer, Max Matsuura, through a mutual friend."
 * Done, thanks Thanatous (talk) 04:46, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Matsuura offered Hamasaki a recording deal immediately after hearing her sing, but Hamasaki was suspicious of Matsuura and turned the offer down."

Suspicious of what?
 * The TIME article which I cite only quotes Hamasaki as saying "I thought the whole thing sounded fishy." Thanatous (talk) 04:56, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * It should either be elaborated upon if possible, if removed (if's there's nothing about it, then it probably can be removed. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 05:53, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Okay, among the reliable sources, the only thing I could find was that Hamasaki suspected Matsuura of "ulterior motives," so I guess I'll use that.Thanatous (talk) 16:32, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Nonetheless, Matsuura persisted until the following year, when Hamasaki agreed and began taking vocal training."

Persisted in what?
 * Propositioning a contract to Hamasaki. Would that be the best way to phrase it, or should I put it another way? Thanatous (talk) 04:56, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * I think you should make it clear what he persisted in. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 05:53, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 17:22, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

1998–1999: Rising popularity
"Hamasaki's debut album under Avex, A Song for XX (1999), was unpretentious."

What do you mean by "unpretentious" mean? And do you have a source?
 * The source uses "unassuming," so I suppose I'll just use that. Thanatous (talk) 05:12, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * But what exactly does it mean? The way she made it? Her songs? Her style? It's not really clear. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 05:53, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * I guess I really did not phrase that sentence (or the entire paragraph, really) correctly. I meant that the style of the album was "unassuming," not the accomplishments of the album. Re-phrased the paragraph. Thanatous (talk) 17:38, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"The singles from the album—"Poker Face", "You", "Trust", "Depend on You", and "For My Dear..."—were not major hits, although the last three singles peaked in the top ten of the Oricon weekly charts."

If they weren't popular, why did hit the top ten? Doesn't seem logical.
 * In Japan at least, high chart positions don't necessarily denote a "major hit"; sales figures are more important. Thanatous (talk) 05:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"The album itself was composed of pop-rock tracks, not quite the dance tunes and ballads she would later churn out."

"not quite the dance tunes and ballads she would later churn out" is rather slangy, no?
 * Removed that part; the next section mentions that already. Thanatous (talk) 17:38, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Additionally, Hamasaki earned a Japan Gold Disc Award (an award somewhat similar to the American Grammy) for "Best New Artist of the Year."

I don't think you need that qualifier "an award somewhat similar to the American Grammy". Maybe just "one of Japan's major music awards", or something like that (if that's true).
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 05:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"With the release of ayu-mi-x (1999), the first of a set of remix albums, Hamasaki began moving beyond the pop-rock styles that had defined A Song for XX and began to incorporate various styles into her music, including trance, dance, and orchestra."

Source?
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 05:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Most of the singles released later that year contained dance tunes; it proved to be a sagacious decision, as Hamasaki earned her first number-one single and her first million-selling single."

What in the world does "sagacious" mean?
 * "Shrewd" or "wise." Would one of those (or perhaps a synonym) be a better choice? Thanatous (talk) 05:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * That word is definitely not very common. It's good to be varied, but it's probably better to use something more common.

"Owing to the success of its singles, Loveppears (1999), Hamasaki's second studio album, became even more of a commercial success than its predecessor: it held the top position on the Oricon charts and went on to sell nearly 3 million copies."
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 17:38, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

Semicolon, not colon.
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 05:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

2000–2002: Commercial peak
"The creative process behind Duty was not a happy one for Hamasaki, who described the her feelings following the production of the album as "unnatural", "nervous",[11] and "heart-pounding.""

The reference should go at the end of the sentence, if it covers all the quotes.
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"The album resonated with fans: Duty became Hamasaki's best-selling studio album to date[16] and spawned a trio of hit singles—"Vogue", "Far Away", and "SEASONS"—the last of which put another million-selling single under Hamasaki's belt."

If you have a reference mid-sentence, then it needs to be after punctuation of some sort. Also, should be a semicolon. And "...the last of which put another million-selling single under Hamasaki's belt." is rather informal. Maybe something more encylopediac?
 * Fixed the citation. Changed the phrase to "[...]the last of which added another million-selling single to Hamasaki's repertoire." Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"Hamasaki's personal life underwent changes as well: she and Tomoya Nagase, her boyfriend since her acting days,[22] went public with their relationship in the fall."

Maybe it would just be shorter to say something like: "At the same time, she also publicly announced her relationship with Tomoya Nagase, whom she had been dating since (?)."
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"(In fact, of the singles that I am... spawned—"M," "evolution," "Never Ever," "Endless Sorrow," "Unite!," "Dearest," "Daybreak," and "a song is born"—all save for "a song is born" were composed by Hamasaki herself.)"

First of all, I don't think parentheses are really right to use. Also, exactly how did the song spawn the others? And is there a source for that?
 * I am... is the album, not a single song. Removed the parentheses. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"I am... was also an evolution in Hamasaki's lyrical style: the album was a retreat from the themes of "loneliness and confusion" which had characterized some of her earlier songs."

Semicolon.
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

''"...the single, a duet with Keiko Yamada, was released in December of the previous year..."

Which year are we talking about here?
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

There is a long quote in the middle of the section. Couldn't you just paraphrase it?
 * I think the quote in its entirety should be left, as I think that best conveys Hamasaki's motivations behind her actions. Does the quote really affect the flow of the paragraphs, though? Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"The worldly outlook inspired by the September 11 attacks extended beyond I am...."

What exactly is meant by "worldly"?
 * I suppose it means "possessing a practical and often shrewd understanding of human affairs"; at least that definition by the Merriam-Webster seems to make the most sense. However, I just quoted from the source. Should I put "worldly" in quotations? Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"It was ascertained, however, that Hamasaki's status as a trendsetter extended outside of Japan as well:[30] at the MTV Asia music awards, Hamasaki received the award for "Most Influential Japanese Singer in Asia."

Semicolon. Also, it necessary to "it was ascertained, however, that Hamasaki's status as a trendsetter extended outside of Japan..."? Could you just say "At the MTV Asia music awards ..."?
 * Changed the colon to a semicolon. However, I thought it was worth mentioning that her influence extended outside of Japan; I mean, not all Japanese singers command such a large degree of influence. Thanatous (talk) 18:10, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

2003–2006: Decline in sales
"In August of 2004, a feud between Max Matsuura and Avex's then-chairman Tom Yoda, regarding Avex's business practices, created division that caused Matsuura and Ryuhei Chiba (president of talent-agency subsidiary Axev) to temporarily resign. However, when Hamasaki along with other Avex performers, including Koda Kumi and Exile, expressed their support for Matsuura, saying that they would follow Matsuura, fears arose that Avex would lose its top performers, fears that led to the sixteen-percent decline in Avex's stock prices by the end of August 2. Avex then immediately held a meeting with Matsuura and Chiba, and by August 3, Avex released a statement saying that Matsuura and Chiba had decided to withdraw their resignations. On the same day, Avex disclosed that Yoda had stepped down from his position as CEO"

Interesting, maybe, but does all of that really pertain to Hamasaki's life?
 * I guess it really is more of a matter that concerns Avex, not necessarily Hamasaki. Removed. Thanatous (talk) 18:18, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"By the end of her Arena Tour 2003-2004, Hamasaki had become dissatisfied with her position in Avex: she felt that the company was treating her as a product instead of a person."

Semicolon.
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:18, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"As a result, the album contained mostly autobiographical lyrics about the artist's emotions and “reminiscences” of earlier stages in her career; Hamasaki was so pleased with the result that she declared My Story "the first album [she] felt OK and excited about.""

The quotes need a reference.
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:18, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

"(miss)understood (2006), Hamasaki's seventh studio album, presented the singer taking new directions with her music. "

Source?
 * Fixed. Thanatous (talk) 18:18, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

General
There seem to be a lot of samples of her music. Do you really need all of them?
 * I guess at least two of them really do not add much to the article; I'll remove the unnecessary ones. Thanatous (talk) 18:23, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

Also, I see a lot of foreign-language references – Japanese, Chinese, German...I am presuming you know something of the languages, and so you know what you're quoting? Presuming you do, then I think it would be a good idea, because so many references are in foreign languages, to write out the at least the titles in English. That would make it a little easier, I think.
 * I can read Chinese and Japanese, so yes, the quotes are direct translations (save for quirks of the Japanese language, like postpositions); I'll translate the foreign language titles. The German article was translated by a native speaker of German, so that shouldn't be a problem. Thanatous (talk) 18:23, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 06:17, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

Final GA Review

 * 1) Is it reasonably well written?
 * A. Prose quality:
 * B. MoS compliance:
 * 1) Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
 * A. References to sources:
 * B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:
 * C. No original research:
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. Major aspects:
 * B. Focused:
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Pass or Fail:

This is a comprehensive, well-written (after being corrected), and well-sourced. So, I am passing this; congratulations. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 12:03, 9 June 2008 (UTC)