Talk:Beacon Park/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Folklore1 (talk · contribs) 00:16, 3 April 2012 (UTC)

As I perform the review, I will be updating the following table. Please look for my questions, comments and recommendations below the table. Folklore1 (talk) 00:23, 3 April 2012 (UTC)

Lead section
The "Early history" and "19th century" sections present information that seems interesting and significant. They also comprise a significant portion of the article's text. Yet the only mention of this park's rich history in the lead is that it "was originally laid out in 1859". There should be at least a brief mention in the lead section of the park's original use prior to 1859. Folklore1 (talk) 01:21, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

We need a citation for "its current size of 81 acres". Folklore1 (talk) 01:04, 4 April 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅ Corrected to 69 acres with reference. Folklore1 (talk) 20:26, 5 April 2012 (UTC)

Early history
"The area around Bishops Fish Pool in all directions was waterlogged marshland, this area south of Bird Street" is a bit awkward. Perhaps the comma should be replaced by a semicolon, or the sentence should be broken into two sentences at this point. Folklore1 (talk) 01:27, 3 April 2012 (UTC)


 * I reorganized the sentence about "Bishops Fish Pool" so that it wouldn't need a semicolon or have to be broken into two pieces to clarify its meaning. I also reorganized the first sentence of this section to reduce the occurence of "The". Too many consecutive sentences starting with "The" makes for dull reading. Please take a close look at the changes I applied to verify that I haven't inappropriately changed its meaning. Otherwise, we can consider the correction needed in this section to be ✅ Folklore1 (talk) 18:55, 13 April 2012 (UTC)

In the second paragraph of this section, I was puzzled by "Ownership of the birds passed to the corporation". What corporation? There was no previous mention of a corporation in the article. Bear in mind that I live in Baltimore and know little about the other side of the water, so I don't know of any special meaning "the corporation" might have on your side. Folklore1 (talk) 01:34, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅ The change to "Lichfield Corporation" has solved the confusion. Folklore1 (talk) 01:53, 5 April 2012 (UTC)

Should "Swan moggs" be "Swan Moggs"? Folklore1 (talk) 01:39, 3 April 2012 (UTC)


 * Okay, Swan Moggs. Folklore1 (talk) 18:43, 13 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

19th century
The meaning of "As the city water supply from Aldershawe was diminishing in the early 19th century money was spent" is unclear. Please insert a comma after "diminishing" or "century" to clarify. Folklore1 (talk) 01:45, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

The sentence beginning "The two streams across it" uses "and" twice. It would look more graceful if you replaced the first "and" with a semicolon. Folklore1 (talk) 01:51, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

There's another mention of the "Corporation" in this section, this time with an uppercase "C". So it would be really helpful to properly identify this entity in the previous section. Folklore1 (talk) 01:59, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

"SL Seckham" should be "S. L. Seckham" or "Samuel Liscomb Seckham" unless there's a good reason for the "SL". (If so, we need an explanation.) Folklore1 (talk) 02:21, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

I suggest changing "along the front of the house which linked the house" to "along the front of the house, linking it" for a little more variety in sentence structure, reducing the "which" count. This is purely optional, but I think it would give the article a more pleasing look. Folklore1 (talk) 02:27, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

20th century
In the first paragraph of this section, World War I is referred to as the "1st World War" and "First World War". A consistent label should be used for World War I. Folklore1 (talk) 12:35, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

The phrase, "parts of which were built from" should not follow "was built in 1930". This is awkward and confusing. Folklore1 (talk) 19:26, 3 April 2012 (UTC)


 * The revised sentence is still unclear. I suggest the following, although I am guessing about the intended meaning: "Some of the masonry from the demolished west range of the Friary was used in 1930 to build the timber framed public convenience at the northeast entrance." Does this do the job right? Folklore1 (talk) 19:06, 13 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

I noticed "Recreation Grounds" in the first paragraph and "recreation grounds" in the third paragraph of this section. Is "Recreation Grounds" a proper name or just a functional description? Folklore1 (talk) 19:37, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅ Recreation Grounds. Folklore1 (talk) 02:12, 5 April 2012 (UTC)

The sentence beginning with "The timber framed public convenience" needs a citation. Folklore1 (talk) 01:31, 4 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

21st century
I suggest removing "and is" from the sentence: "The transformation started in 2010 and is due for completion by the end of 2011". This can be done by simply adding two commas. This is optional, but I think it will make the text a little smoother and more pleasant to read. Folklore1 (talk) 19:46, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅ "and was completed in 2012" brings us up to date. Folklore1 (talk) 02:15, 5 April 2012 (UTC)

"new and improved" may look better with a comma instead of the "and". But I'm wondering, is it both "new" and "improved"? Maybe we need something else here to describe the improvements? Folklore1 (talk) 19:53, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅ Okay, both new and improved. Folklore1 (talk) 19:15, 13 April 2012 (UTC)

Perhaps "landscape to the gardens" should be "landscape in the gardens"? Folklore1 (talk) 19:56, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

Should "the space left" be "the remaining space"? With a quick read, I first thought this referred to some space on the left. Am I nitpicking a little too much here? Folklore1 (talk) 20:00, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

Monuments and sculpture
Placing three images together at the top of this section caused my browser to display the text in a tight, narrow gutter between the first two pictures. Later model computers and browsers may display this section more comfortably, but there are still plenty of folks like me working with old stuff. I suggest moving one of the images down a bit, possibly to the text describing it. Folklore1 (talk) 02:40, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

The first three sentences in this section begin with "The plaque". A little variety, in either the sentence structure or at least the first two words, would be welcome here. Folklore1 (talk) 20:05, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

I noticed only one comma in the sentence containing: "until, in 2010 during restoration works". It needs another somewhere to clarify what you want the sentence to tell us. Folklore1 (talk) 20:09, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

The sentence beginning with "The fountain was a gift" needs some punctuation, such as commas, or rearrangement to clarify its meaning. It should clearly distinguish between the contributions of the chancellor and the contributions of the fountain. Folklore1 (talk) 20:16, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

"King" occurs three times without the king's name attached. Perhaps this should be changed to "king"? Maybe one of the three uses of "King" should instead give the king's name? Folklore1 (talk) 20:21, 3 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

Does "with two bronze plaques either side" mean that there is a plaque attached to each side or located near each side? Folklore1 (talk) 00:12, 4 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

Recreational uses
In the second paragraph of this section, "young and older children's playground" is unclear. Does this mean there are two playgrounds? One for young children and another for older children? Or one playground for both age ranges? Also, it would help to be more specific than "young" and "older" children by mentioning the age ranges. Folklore1 (talk) 00:26, 4 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

Entertainment uses
"Some events" starts two consecutive sentences in this section. While this isn't a grammar error, it makes the paragraph a bit hard to read. Some of us tend to get the sentences confused when they start with identical words like this. I suggest altering the first occurrence of "Some events" be starting the sentence with something else. In the second occurrence, "Some events" is more important and should be left intact. Folklore1 (talk) 00:40, 4 April 2012 (UTC) ✅

I suggest taking the two sentences about "Cars in the Park" out of what is now the only paragraph in this section. Use them to create a second paragraph. Then rearrange the second sentence of the new paragraph from "The event, first held in 1997, showcases" to "First held in 1997, the event showcases". This radical suggestion is purely optional, but I think it would give the section a more pleasing read. Folklore1 (talk) 00:51, 4 April 2012 (UTC)


 * I applied a less radical reorganization of the second "Cars in the Park" sentence. If this looks alright, we can consider this section to be ✅ Folklore1 (talk) 19:39, 13 April 2012 (UTC)