Talk:Black Focus/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: K. Peake (talk · contribs) K. Peake 17:07, 13 December 2020 (UTC)

Taking another GAN on for review; will easily have this done by tomorrow! --K. Peake 17:07, 13 December 2020 (UTC)

thanks for giving it a look 👍 웃 O  O  17:30, 13 December 2020 (UTC)
 * It is my pleasure, I have made my initial comments below! --K. Peake 21:44, 13 December 2020 (UTC)

Infobox and lead

 * Release date is not sourced in the body; mention it in the section and add a source
 * Quartermass Studios → Quartermass, as we do not use the term studios when referencing them in an infobox and write this out in the first section because it is advised not to have refs in the infobox
 * Replace hlist with bullet points
 * "by the English duo Yussef Kamaal, who consist of" → "by English duo Yussef Kamaal, composed of drummer"
 * "spontaneity and flow" can remain in the lead and so can the ref since they are allowed for quotes in the lead, but it should be written out in the body too and comma should be inside for consistency
 * Target electronic to Electronic music
 * "The album was universally acclaimed by critics who described it as" → "It received universal acclaim from music critics, being described as" with the target
 * "soon followed by" → "with the barring soon being followed by"
 * "Black Focus had moderate success in the UK," → "The album experienced moderate success in the United Kingdom," since it makes more sense to state the title only later since two is too many times in a para and the other one is more important because of the label name
 * "in the Jazz & Blues chart." → "on the Jazz & Blues Albums chart.
 * "It earned the duo" → "It earned Yussef Kamaal"
 * You can keep the award here but it should be mentioned in the body too and the ref should only be there; accolades section, preferably
 * Mention it was the 2017 Jazz FM Awards
 * The prominence info can be kept, but source it in the body
 * "William's 2018 debut solo album The Return was" → "William's debut solo studio album, The Return (2018), was"
 * "to Black Focus, in which William's" → "to Black Focus, the latter of which William's"
 * You should write the above info out in the body while keeping it in the lead though; release section, maybe?
 * All done. I had to go with November 2016 for the release date in the background section, because I didn't want to go with a source that bullet-listed it. 웃 O  O  22:45, 13 December 2020 (UTC)
 * This is a perfectly reliable source for the release date, as it needs to be sourced exact, and move to the appropriate section too. --K. Peake 08:47, 14 December 2020 (UTC)

Background

 * Retitle to Background and development
 * "Kamaal Williams met" → "keyboardist Kamaal Williams met"
 * "first event and booked the band United Vibrations where Dayes played." → "first event, where the band United Vibrations were booked and Dayes played."
 * "In 2016, they performed" → "In 2016, the band performed"
 * "Worldwide Awards in which" → "Worldwide Awards, after which"
 * "his Brownswood Recordings label." → "his Brownswood Recordings record label." with the wikilink
 * "The duo recruited additional musicians for the album," → "Yussef Kamaal recruited additional musicians for Black Focus,"
 * Target programmed to Programming (music)
 * "recorded in Quartermass studios" → "recorded at Quartermass Studios"
 * [7][3] should be put in numerical order if they both remain here
 * "Regarding the album title," → "Regarding the title Black Focus,"
 * Wikilink jazz

Composition

 * Title of the sampled song should have speech marks around it
 * You need to add the appropriate ref(s) to back up the info on the main text
 * "classified the album as" → "classified Black Focus as"
 * "global sounds,"" → "global sounds"," per MOS:QUOTE; there are other examples of this in the article which also include full-stops
 * Target hip-hop to Hip hop music
 * "of underground radio."" example of what I said about MOS:QUOTE with full-stops
 * "Williams’ synths, all whilst Dayes’" → "Williams' synths, all whilst Dayes'" with the target
 * "He continued that" → "He continued, saying that"
 * "also compared the album" → "also compared Black Focus"
 * "of opening title track has spoken word accompanied" → "of the opening title track features spoken word, accompanied" with the wikilink
 * Target Rhodes to Rhodes piano
 * Wikilink hand percussion
 * Target kit drums to Drum kit
 * Wikilink bassline
 * "a post-bop frontline"" → "a post-bop frontline"."
 * [4][1] put in numerical order
 * "Rhodes line" paired" → "Rhodes line", paired"
 * Target snare to Snare drum
 * Target kick drum to Bass drum
 * "funk track topped by" → "funk track that is topped by" with the wikilink
 * Wikilink guitar chords
 * "The final track "Joint 17" showcases the band's" → "The final track, "Joint 17", showcases Yussef Kamaal's"

Release

 * Retitle to Release and reception
 * The release sentence should be the first one of this section
 * "enter the UK Album chart," → "enter the UK Albums Chart," with the wikilink
 * "in the Jazz & Blues album chart in that country. In the" → "on the Jazz & Blues Albums chart in the United Kingdom. On the"
 * Mention it was the Ultratop Flanders chart
 * The chart positions need citations next to them; preferably, use refnames from the chart table
 * Merge the second para with the first one
 * Remove wikilink on United States
 * "the duo announced their split," → "the band announced they had split,"
 * "The duo were scheduled" → "Yussef Kamaal were scheduled"
 * "on 4 May, but issued a statement that:" → "on 4 May 2017, but issued a statement that"
 * "Regarding the breakup," → "Regarding the breakup of the band," and this should be moved to being the beginning of the para below instead
 * "The album was said to contribute" → "Black Focus was said to have contributed"
 * "His debut solo studio album, The Return (2018), was considered as a sequel to Black Focus, he" → "His debut solo studio album The Return (2018) was considered as a sequel to the album, the"

Reception

 * Retitle to Critical reception
 * Austin Chronicle → The Austin Chronicle
 * "with "universal acclaim" from critics." → "with universal acclaim from music critics." with the target
 * "which assigns a weighted average rating out of 100 to reviews from mainstream publications, this release" → "which assigns a normalized rating out of 100 to reviews from mainstream publications, the album" with the target
 * Merge the second para with the first one
 * "Ryan B. Patrick of Exclaim! praised Yussef Kamaal who" → "Patrick praised how Yussef Kamaal"
 * "Brexit-era Britain" according" → "Brexit-era Britain", according" with the wikilink
 * "of the Austin Chronicle wrote that the duo:" → "of The Austin Chronicle wrote that the band"
 * "and improvisation…" where they "coalesc[ed]" → "and improvisation" where they "[c]oalesc[ed]"
 * Target Afrobeat to Afrobeats
 * "rhythmic percussions… through" → "rhythmic percussions[...] through"
 * "compared the record to" → "compared the album to"
 * "said the band" → "said Yussef Kamaal"
 * "felt that the album tracks were" → "felt that the tracks on Black Focus are"
 * Paraphrase for Anmar's review at parts, as there is too much quoting currently
 * Target grooves to Groove (music)
 * "Theo Koltz of Crack Magazine gave a light critique for the record" → "Theo Koltz of Crack Magazine gave a light critique for the album"
 * "and Shabaka Hutchings that" → "and Hutchings that"
 * "a review for Williams' 2018 solo album The Return, that" → "a review of The Return that"

Accolades

 * Remove the table and write out these accolades in prose, as there is only seven rankings. Obviously I do not classify the award as a ranking, but needing to write that out is another reason why this sub-section should consist of prose instead.
 * Jazz FM and Bandcamp should not be italicised, but XLR8R should be
 * Target Time Out London to Time Out (magazine)

Track listing

 * Add a source next to the writing info to back it up

Personnel

 * Credits for Black Focus adapted from album liner notes. → Credits adapted from the album's liner notes.
 * Are you sure the targets for terms like production and engineering are needed?
 * Well, you had me link music critics and musical instruments otherwise. 웃 O  O  00:39, 15 December 2020 (UTC)
 * But this is different, as it is a section listing out personnel, not one written out in prose; I have removed accordingly. --K. Peake 08:24, 15 December 2020 (UTC)


 * Any specific order here?
 * I had Dayes and Kamaal on top and the rest are in alphabetical order. Should it be anything other than that? 웃 O  O  00:39, 15 December 2020 (UTC)
 * No, this is totally fine. --K. Peake 08:24, 15 December 2020 (UTC)


 * Use div col to separate since the personnel goes down too far currently

Charts

 * Good

Final comments and verdict

 * until you have fixed all of the issues, that was a very quick review and good luck! --K. Peake 08:47, 14 December 2020 (UTC)
 * Almost all issues fixed, but I replied to the ones I need input from. 웃 O  O  00:39, 15 December 2020 (UTC)
 * I replied to you above for all of the questions, though I have done a good amount of copy editing and can now ✅ this article; your input got it there for the most part though! --K. Peake 08:24, 15 December 2020 (UTC)