Talk:Butterfly Soup 2/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Shooterwalker (talk · contribs) 17:25, 9 February 2023 (UTC)

I'll take this one on. Look for something within a few days. Shooterwalker (talk) 17:25, 9 February 2023 (UTC)


 * Doing a first pass on the body of the article.
 * Gameplay
 * I usually prefer a full-stop (.) to a semi-colon for readability. Admittedly, there's nothing grammatically wrong with what you're doing and the section is overall solid. I just think this will read more clearly.
 * Plot
 * "in turn" -> "one-by-one"
 * "Akarsha and Noelle, however, continually antagonize each other with Akarsha playing jokes and the two yelling at each other" -> "However, Akarsha plays pranks on Noelle, leading them to argue."
 * "Akarsha jokes around..." -> Akarsha uses humor..."
 * "Akarsha asks out Noelle over text, but plays it off as a joke by her brother when Noelle doesn't respond, and continues to play practical jokes on Noelle." -> "When Noelle doesn't respond to Akarsha's text asking for a date, Akarsha pretends this was a joke by her brother and continues to play pranks on Noelle."
 * "In Diya's section, in third grade " -> "Diya's chapter begins as a flashback to the third grade, when..."
 * "freak" -> I imagine this is the language used in the game, so maybe it should be used in quotation marks.
 * "In 2009, Diya is again picked up from school, but is hiding that she is dating Min and no longer talks much to her mother." -> "In 2009, Diya is once again picked up from school, but she is much less talkative around her mother, while hiding that she is dating Min."
 * "Diya thinks that it is because she is scared of her mother's reactions if what she says disagrees with the culture her mother had grown up in India." -> "Diya reveals that she is scared of her mother's reactions, particularly if she says something that disagrees with her mother's culture learned in India."
 * "In Min's section, she attacks her racist fourth grade classmates." -> "Min's section begins in the fourth grade, where she argues with her racist classmates."
 * "Her father yells at her while having road rage, saying that she needs to not outwardly react to racism;" -> "Soon after, she rides home with her father, who experiences road rage while lecturing her to stop reacting outwardly to racism." (full stop.)
 * " In the present day, while the baseball club is making a film project for class" -> "In the present day, the baseball club is making a film project for class." (group similar thoughts together, and start a new sentence for new ideas.)
 * " Min is unintentionally racist to Ester, a half-Black, half-Chinese girl. She gets upset that Ester gets angry with her," "When Min is unintentionally racist to Ester, a half-Black, half-Chinese girl, this leads to an argument between the two girls."
 * "in discussions with Diya and Noelle, realizes that it is because she is upset about racism towards her that she never receives apologies for." -> "Min talks about it with Diya and Noelle, and realizes that Min is upset that she experiences unapologetic racism from many people."
 * "The three discuss how much it is possible to change away from what they are taught as children." -> "The three discuss how much it is possible to change their beliefs from what they are taught as children."
 * "Her parents want her to continue to avoid looking bad to their friends, but let her quit anyway." -> "Although her parents insist that she continues to avoid embarrassing them to their family friends, they still allow her to quit."
 * "In an after-credits scene, adult Akarsha and Noelle have lost the key to their sex handcuffs and have to go to the fire department with Akarsha half-dressed, while antagonizing and flirting with each other." -> "In an after-credits scene, adult Akarsha and Noelle lose the key to their sex handcuffs, forcing them to go to the fire department with Akarsha half-dressed, as the two flirt antagonistically with each other."
 * This is off to a good start. Let's check back in after we work through some of these revisions. Shooterwalker (talk) 23:57, 12 February 2023 (UTC)
 * All done. -- Pres N  23:41, 13 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Good work so far. Let's try to work through the rest of it.
 * Development
 * "from the design" -> "from the original design"
 * "un-included" -> "unused"
 * "She said in November 2017 that she planned on starting on the sequel, and said a few months later in early 2018 that it was planned for release in mid-2019, though she suspected that might be too optimistic" -> "She announced plans to work on the sequel in late 2017, and in February 2018 she suggested the game might be completed by the following summer, while also warning that development could take longer."
 * "and some of the wording was the actual chat messages she had received" -> "using some of the actual wording from those real-life chat messages."
 * "show a relationship beginning that was less straightforward than" -> "the start of a relationship that was less straightforward than"
 * "Lei was hesitant about including the after-credits scene due to its implied sexual nature, but decided not to change it as she "was doing the same thing as Noelle's mom" in not treating sex as "just a normal part of life"." -> "Lei was hesitant about adding the after-credits scene due to its implied sexual nature, but decided to include it to avoid "doing the same thing as Noelle's mom" by not treating sex as "just a normal part of life"."
 * "In regards to the experience of being a second-generation immigrant, as Lei is, she found a great deal of commonality between her experience of being Chinese-American and that of her second-generation immigrant friends from other countries" -> Lei explored her experience as a second-generation immigrant, finding a great deal of commonality between her life as Chinese-American and that of other second-generation immigrant friends."
 * "their parents' native cultures" -> " their native cultures" or "their ancestral cultures" or even "their heritage"
 * "she found similarities in how children from different cultures were alienated from both their birth and historical cultures" -> "she found similarities in how second-generation immigrants were alienated from both America and their ancestral culture"
 * "Noelle's story was the central pillar of exploring the concept of discovering oneself outside of parental and cultural expectations." -> "Noelle's story became the heart of this concept, as a journey of self-discovery outside of parental and cultural expectations."
 * "Lei used her story to show how her rejection of her parents' expectations had led her to reject their culture entirely, which she now regretted as it cut her off from her Taiwanese family; inversely, she was rejecting her own homosexuality because of her parents' expectations, and regretting that as well." -> "The story incorporated aspects of Lei's life, including the regret of rejecting her own sexuality because of her parents' expectations, as well as the tension between rejecting those expectations and losing her connection to her Taiwanese culture and family."
 * "but after spending two months trying to learn Mandarin as research and failing," -> "but after two months of trying and failing to learn Mandarin,"
 * "about the characters finding happiness regardless of the similar issues from her own life."
 * "write for her" -> "write"
 * "Lei allows players" -> Mixing the verb tense makes the paragraph a little confusing. I know the price hasn't changed, but I think it's best to keep a consistent past tense for readability.
 * Reception
 * "on the writing, particularly the themes and the complexity of the characters." -> "on the story and its complex characters and themes."
 * "race and heritage in addition to sexuality" -> "race, heritage, and sexuality"
 * "Similar sentiments were made by Jay Castello of Rock Paper Shotgun and Jade King of TheGamer, who both applauded the characterization and the game's willingness to sympathetically explore the flaws and strengths of the four main characters, and Carolyn Petit of Kotaku, who greatly liked the writing and the multi-dimensional characters." -> This one is a real mouthful and should probably be broken up into multiple sentences, and/or simplified.
 * "while Andrew King of TheGamer appreciated that Diya and Min's relationship was still interesting while also being stable instead of using tropes around relationship drama." -> same here. It's better to leave separate ideas in separate sentences, instead of trying to join unconnected ideas with "and".
 * "Unlike other critics," -> Maybe drop this. It's confusing and might start to be WP:OR if that's not strictly included in the source.
 * "Rock Paper Shotgun's review said that the game was deeper and more nuanced than its prequel, and Jess Lee of Digital Spy called it "just as good and perhaps more confidently written"" -> It might be better to include this near the start of the previous paragraph. There could also be an opportunity to improve the organization of this section, with a paragraph focusing on the characters, after a short paragraph about the writing more generally.
 * Once we get through those we can give it one last pass and wrap this up. Thanks for your work on this. Shooterwalker (talk) 16:03, 14 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Alright, done with these. Thanks for your reviewing! -- Pres N  20:02, 14 February 2023 (UTC)
 * We're good to wrap this up with a few more short comments, starting with the lead.
 * "the difficulties the four have with their parent's expectations for them and influence on their personalities" -> "their struggles with their parents' expectations and influence"
 * "since the release" -> "after"
 * "that were cut from the first game for length" -> "that she had cut from the first game"
 * "less straightforward relationship then in the first game" -> let's try something other than "first game" here. "prior release", "original story", etc.
 * "as well as the difficulties and commonalities of being a second-generation Asian-American immigrant, particularly an LGBT one." -> "as well as relating the characters to her personal experience as a LGBT, second-generation Asian-American". ("queer" would be appropriate here too, instead of LGBT, since that's how she describes herself.)
 * "It has no gameplay changes from the original Butterfly Soup." -> "Its gameplay follows the same template as the original Butterfly Soup."
 * "Although her parents insist that she continue to avoid embarrassing them to their family friends, they still allow her to quit." -> "Her parents insist that she continue classes to avoid embarrassing them to their family friends, but ultimately allow her to quit."
 * "Akarsha and Noelle say that their romantic style is less blatant than Diya and Min's, Akarsha admits that she was the one who asked out Noelle, and Noelle says that she likes her too." -> " Akarsha and Noelle realize that their romantic style is more subtle than Diya and Min's, with Akarsha admitting that she sent the texts asking out Noelle, and Noelle admitting she likes her back."
 * I'll say again that I'd rather see sentences with full stops than semi-colons. But once again, some of that is style, and not strictly wrong. Just consider what is more readable.
 * "particularly the interactions between the different personalities of the characters and" -> this sentence already mentions characters and might read better without this middle part. Or find some other way to rephrase for concision.
 * That should be everything. This is very close to WP:GA. Shooterwalker (talk) 16:36, 16 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Done. -- Pres N  16:54, 16 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks for that. Consider the article promoted. Great work. Shooterwalker (talk) 17:05, 16 February 2023 (UTC)