Talk:CaptainSparklez/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: ElijahPepe (talk · contribs) 22:08, 20 July 2023 (UTC)


 * @ElijahPepe In your review of the lead section, you mention that Maron is much more well known as "CaptainSparklez", as opposed to "Jordan Maron". Would you be in favour of the requested move, mentioned at Talk:Jordan Maron? Strugglehouse (talk) 14:21, 22 July 2023 (UTC)

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

(Criteria marked are unassessed)
 * 1) It is reasonably well written.
 * a. (prose, spelling, and grammar):
 * b. (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
 * 1) It is factually accurate and verifiable.
 * a. (reference section):
 * b. (citations to reliable sources):
 * c. (OR):
 * d. (copyvio and plagiarism):
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a. (major aspects):
 * b. (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
 * a. (images are tagged and non-free content have non-free use rationales):
 * b. (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/fail:
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a. (major aspects):
 * b. (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
 * a. (images are tagged and non-free content have non-free use rationales):
 * b. (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/fail:
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
 * a. (images are tagged and non-free content have non-free use rationales):
 * b. (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/fail:
 * b. (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/fail:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/fail:
 * Pass/fail:

Comments
Not familiar with the topic or his material but I'll try my best. elijahpepe@wikipedia (he/him) 22:08, 20 July 2023 (UTC)


 * @ElijahPepe: I've responded to all your below comments. Note that I did decide to make some significant prose revisions to the second lead paragraph and the first "Internet career" paragraph, so you could glance over them to see if you're happy with it. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:15, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * @ElijahPepe: All but one of the second comments done. I'm not sure how to deal with the parenthesis, should I just remove them and add "or Let's Plays"? — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 04:45, 7 August 2023 (UTC)
 * Does ...upload Call of Duty gameplay Let's Plays work? elijahpepe@wikipedia (he/him) 04:58, 7 August 2023 (UTC)
 * Don't know, but I don't have any better phrasing. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 08:39, 7 August 2023 (UTC)

Prose and layout

 * In general, this article is far too short. If you can expand it, I would highly suggest doing so.
 * The sources in this article are all of the usable one I could find while working on this over the course of several weeks, so I'm unable to expand it further. I found three articles while filtering Google News for the period between 2010 and 2014, but only CNBC offered new information. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:01, 26 July 2023 (UTC)

Lead section

 * Google Trends suggests that "CaptainSparklez" is the dominant search term and thus dominant name for Maron. Using terminology such as better known as rather than known online reflects what the reader is looking for. Note that I replaced online with as because Maron is better known as CaptainSparklez in general; the March 2016 issue of Harvard Business Review uses CaptainSparklez in a physical sense, as do other publications.
 * I still think known online is more appropriate. It would be pretty obvious to readers that this is the CaptainSparklez they were looking for. Pseudonymous streamers are often referred to as their screen names, like Markiplier, online. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 12:43, 25 July 2023 (UTC)
 * It took me a few seconds to realize that channel is referring to a YouTube channel. Although the reader may be familiar with channel in this context, what is Maron's main channel? Is it his Twitch channel?
 * ✅. It is referring to his main YouTube channel. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 12:43, 25 July 2023 (UTC)
 * The second paragraph needs significant revisions.
 * The first sentence is a combination of several clauses that are conjoined improperly. A better starter could be, In 2010, while still a high school senior, Maron created his first YouTube channel. made Call of Duty videos lacks specificity; the pronoun use of the sentence begins with created his, followed by when he was, but made lacks a pronoun, suggested that when he was a high school senior, he made Call of Duty videos, leading him to create a YouTube channel. This may be what you mean, but it certainly shouldn't be how that's conveyed. Additionally, when referring to someone "making" something, Maron may have recorded his Call of Duty gameplay, but made is slightly deceptive. I would use the word uploaded instead.
 * The second sentence is incredibly vague as to the temporal relationship of when these events occurred. I interpreted the sentence as Maron creating another YouTube channel, CaptainSparklez, and playing Minecraft shortly thereafter and streaming his gameplay onto justin.tv. The sentence could also mean that he was playing Minecraft when he created another YouTube channel and started streaming other games onto justin.tv. There are several ways of switching around the clauses that would be more clear. I don't want to write this article for you, so I'll leave you to find the best way of doing that. I also question whether it's relevant to mention that justin.tv "merged" into Twitch. If Maron continued streaming on justin.tv, perhaps it could be better to state that much.
 * The third sentence, again, is full of clauses that don't work well with each other. While reading, I identified that you were attempting to elaborate on his fanbase, but the relationship isn't entirely there. As a reader, I understood what a Let's Play was, but not every reader may understand that. Unfortunately, Let's Play is terminology that can't be easily replaced. That is a challenge I leave to the author to figure out. I also note stating that Maron had one million subscribers in 2012. As someone who was alive in that time period, one million subscribers was a achievement—in spite of channels such as RayWilliamJohnson achieving that number in a fraction of the time. Younger readers may be used to channels with ten times that number; MrBeast has hundreds of millions of subscribers according to a New York Times article I read. I'm not suggesting that you elaborate on why this is a milestone for the time, but it may be something to consider.
 * I revised the entire second paragraph. I also question whether it's relevant to mention that justin.tv "merged" into Twitch. This means that justin.tv ceased to exist after it merged into Twitch (service). Most of its streamers also moved to Twitch, including Maron. I'm not suggesting that you elaborate on why this is a milestone for the time, but it may be something to consider. I checked some of the sources on YouTube dating from the early 2010s, but I couldn't find any RS covering this context. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 12:43, 25 July 2023 (UTC)
 * The first sentence of the third paragraph repeats what is already stated previously. for a time needs either an em dash or a comma. The article the suggests a descriptor after the superlative title. Either remove the the or—and this is probably what I would do—go with something like, ...including the award for the most watched Minecraft YouTube video. The note is not necessary and the sentence could end with ...as of July 2016. If Guinness updated the record, that may also be of note.
 * The note offers the exact date and clarifies that Guinness has not updated the record. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 12:43, 25 July 2023 (UTC)

Early life section

 * This section includes elements of his education at the University of California, Santa Barbara, so titling this section "Early life and education" would be more poignant.
 * ✅. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:05, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * His parents were never married and split up when he was very young, and his mother later married his stepdad includes three clauses that are separated using and, leading to an awkward sentence. An apposition could work here: His parents, who were never married, split up when he was young. Maron's mother later married a man who would become his stepdad. The sentence here isn't perfect, but it's what I could come up with. I would workshop this and see what you can do with it.
 * ✅. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:05, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * In the last sentence, the cause-and-effect relationship could be better. The VentureBeat reference mentions that Maron dropped out while he was uncertain of what major he wanted to pursue, so something like, Uncertain of what he wanted to pursue in college and with a successful YouTube career, he dropped out in the first quarter of his sophomore year. Again, not perfect, but the foundation is there.
 * Revised. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:05, 26 July 2023 (UTC)

Internet career section

 * The first paragraph needs significant revisions.
 * The first sentence, again, has temporal relationship issues. I would experiment with an apposition: In February 2010, during his senior year of high school, Maron... The phrase show off is informal. Building off of the aforementioned sentence starter, I would use something like, In February 2010, during his senior year of high school, Maron created his first YouTube channel, ProsDONTtalkSHIT, to demonstrate his Call of Duty gameplay.
 * I changed during his senior year of high school to eighteen-year-old for conciseness after I found a CNBC article which directly mentioned his age. I mentioned at the start of the second paragraph that this was before university, so it should be okay. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:13, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * In the second sentence, the first clause is fine, but you could refine the second clause. I would see what you can do with using the second part as an aside parenthesis, like so, While the channel only earned around ten thousand views per video, Maron decided to find a less vulgar username, anticipating that it would grow and seeking to appeal to a wider audience.
 * Maron didn't anticipate that it would grow; he thought it was an unlikely scenario, but decided to do it just in case. Revised to reflect this information. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:13, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * The fourth sentence is understandable but could be improved. At a macro scale, I would start by questioning why SeaNanners introduced Maron to the game in the first place. break out is slang. A phrase like became popular on the Internet may work better. Maron is repeated in the next sentence.
 * ✅. Changed break out to see widespread success on the Internet. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 10:13, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * The last paragraph needs expansion. There's a section about Maron's appearances; I would build off of that.
 * Unfortunately, the few appearances there are mainly guest appearances. There is no information there outside of "he was in this for an episode" that would be suitable to include in the article body. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 09:53, 26 July 2023 (UTC)

Mobile games section

 * The note is not necessary and could easily be prose.
 * ✅. I copied the text to the body. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 09:53, 26 July 2023 (UTC)

Awards and recognition

 * The record titles do not need to be quoted.
 * ✅. Removed the quotes. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 09:53, 26 July 2023 (UTC)

Images

 * The overarching theme of the article is Minecraft. Having a picture of Minecraft or Maron's Minecraft music videos would be helpful.
 * I don't really think that would be fair use. Readers would get a sense of what his gameplay videos are like from the Let's Play page. — V ORTEX  3427 (Talk!) 09:53, 26 July 2023 (UTC)
 * Using a low-quality image of his music videos is acceptable. elijahpepe@wikipedia (he/him) 04:49, 3 August 2023 (UTC)

Second comments
Preliminary review. elijahpepe@wikipedia (he/him) 04:49, 3 August 2023 (UTC)


 * @ElijahPepe I see that you're asking for a second opinion, but I'm not seeing what prompted that? CaptainEek Edits Ho Cap'n!⚓ 06:21, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
 * I'm unsure of where to proceed. I'm both hesitant to fail this article and unwilling to pass it in its current state. elijahpepe@wikipedia (he/him) 06:23, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
 * Given that this has been in 2O state for over 3 months, I'm going to mark this review as abandoned, so a new reviewer can pick it up with a fresh start. That seems like the best way to make any forward progress. RoySmith (talk) 15:07, 24 November 2023 (UTC)

Lead section

 * YouTube is linked in the second paragraph but referenced in the first paragraph.
 * In the second paragraph, the parenthetical Let's Plays disrupts the first sentence. The second his in the first sentence breaks from the pronoun-antecedent agreement; Maron implicitly recorded himself playing Call of Duty, so the second his is unnecessary. That same year may work better than The same year as the former uses a demonstrative pronoun, which is probably what you're looking for. live streamed is more formal than streamed in the third sentence. In the same sentence, the em dash creates a pause that works for something along the lines of, "Seeing an illusive figure, the man opened the door—the figure was nowhere to be seen", because that pause creates suspense, but doesn't work in a formal setting. Between the fourth and fifth sentences, there's an abrupt shift that would benefit from a conjunction. The sixth sentence is crammed with clauses; experiment with this: By the end of 2011, he became a full-time YouTuber, and his channel garnered one million subscribers by early 2012.