Talk:Clarence Jeffries/GA1

GA Review
Up to usual high standard thus far, well sourced, cited and illustrated; just placing on hold while awaiting response to a couple of points below. There's a space of seven days for these issues to be addressed. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 01:54, 6 October 2008 (UTC)


 * GA review (see here for criteria)


 * 1) It is reasonably well written.
 * a (prose): b (MoS):
 * In the intro, "He was posthumously decorated with the Victoria Cross following his actions in the Battle of Passchendaele, in which he led several parties of men that eventuated in the capture of six machine guns and sixty-five prisoners, before being killed himself by machine gun fire." Doesn't read right with "several parties of men that eventuated in the capture", how about "several parties of men in an attack that eventuated in the capture" or words to the eftect?
 * Under Early Life, "a keen horseman who took a particular interest in breeding thoroughbreds, although not racing them." is a bit close to the source phrasing; I'd simply take out "not racing them" as it's not that important.
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Under First world War, I'd change "Promoted to lieutenant in July 1915..." to "Promoted to lieutenant in the CMF in July 1915..." - you'd need to add "(CMF)" after "Citizens Military Forces" above - as I had to look twice when I saw him promoted to Lieutenant and then Second Lieutenant in the same sentence, even though the latter referred to the AIF.
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Under Victoria Cross, "...which he halted at the entrance to Broodseinde railway cutting as many of the direction tapes leading to the starting position had been destroyed or swallowed in the mud." Are you saying he halted B Company or the attack - militarily may be one and the same but grammatically it's the attack he halted here, is that what you meant? Also we need a comma after "cutting" so we can take a mental breath to hear the reason for the halt - I thought they were cutting the direction tapes first time I read it...
 * Halted B Company. I think I have now clarified this, if not I can have another look. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "Jeffries, realising the heavy causalities being inflicted upon his men..." Don't think you "realise" casualites or that they're "inflicted" on the men per se - how about simply "Jeffries, seeing the heavy casualities among his men..." or "Jeffries, realising his force was suffering heavy casualities..." or some such?
 * Substituted in favour of the second. Thanks, Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * All good, ta. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 03:51, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) It is factually accurate and verifiable.
 * a (references): b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a (major aspects): b (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:

Additional comments
These do not affect the GA but are included for consideration:
 * In the infobox, "1912 – 1917" could lose the spaces, plus not sure that the generic "Western Front" is necessary when we have specific battles following.
 * I typically place in the "Western Front" for those who served on it, and, IMHO, the space between the years makes it look a little less cluttered. I can change these, however, if you wish. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Not so fussed about spaces in the date range per se, more in keeping consistent with the other date ranges in the infobox. However neither of the above is a show-stopper. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 03:51, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * First World War
 * "Due to the outbreak of war, Jeffries was commissioned..." could become simply "Following the outbreak of war, Jeffries was commissioned...". I think the latter reads better and still suggests cause-and-effect without overdoing it.
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Can "when it played a part in the Battle of Messines" be the simpler "when it took part in the Battle of Messines"?
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Victoria Cross
 * Can "Jeffries was to be in command of B Company..." be simply "Jeffries was to command B Company..." or "Jeffries was in command of B Company..."?
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Do we normally put "no man's land" in quotes? Don't think it's necessary, especially when linked.
 * Done. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "With the second objective only partially captured, the remnants of the 9th Brigade, battered by artillery and machine gun fire, was forced to relinquish their position and retreat back to their own lines where they had originally started from." Grammatically, "was forced" should take "its position", not "their position" - or you could do "were forced" and "their position", not fussed as long as they agree.
 * Changed slightly to "were forced to relinquish their position and retreat back to their own lines" - does it read better now? Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Heh, would prefer "retreat to their own lines from where they had originally started" (losing redundant "back" and not finishing the sentence with "from")... Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 03:51, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "All that remained on the Passchendaele ridge of the 9th Brigade was the dead and wounded, among whom was Clarence Jeffries whom was later counted among those with no known grave." Can we get rid of the second "whom was" (should be "who was" anyway) and maybe go with "All that remained on the Passchendaele ridge of the 9th Brigade was the dead and wounded, among whom was Clarence Jeffries, later counted among those with no known grave."
 * I was meaning to change that, but was a little slack. Changed slightly to "among whom was Clarence Jeffries, who was later counted among those with no known grave". Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Looks okay. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 03:51, 6 October 2008 (UTC)

Thanks for the review, mate, I appreciate it. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
 * No prob, congrats on another Good Article! Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 03:51, 6 October 2008 (UTC)