Talk:Consulate General of France, Jerusalem

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Peer Review: tlogan
Overall, very strong article. I think that you should try and cut out a lot of the repetition. Assume that in some of the paragraphs the reader has a knowledge of information that you presented earlier in the article. Or, briefly include some of the same information in a short phrase…For example, “The Consulate General is responsible for diplomatic relations with the Palestinian Authority.” This information is repeated many times. In some paragraphs, you could adjust the sentence by saying, “In addition to its diplomatic responsibilities…” Rephrasing the information makes it sound less repetitious.

“Louis XIII sent the French diplomat Louis Deshayes de Cormenin who achieved a certain success”…with what exactly? You could clarify with “success in gaining new rights for the Latins” etc.

The below sentence is very long. Try breaking it up because it gets hard to follow.

“Later, when a Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem was re-established in 1847, despite France's prior reluctance to the appointment of Giuseppe Valerga as a Patriarch (mostly because he was a citizen of the rival Kingdom of Sardinia and the Grand Master of the Order of the Holy Sepulchre, a Franciscan Order), the Consul General of France Helouis-Jorelle recognized Giuseppe Valerga's high distinction when he arrived in Jerusalem on January 17, 1848.”

The word “state” in “State of Israel” should be capitalized

Maybe you should use a different word than “tumultuous” in the introduction?

I suggest that you remove the following sentences from the intro…they are mentioned later and are not necessary “intro” material.

“The presence of consuls in Jerusalem remained interrupted until 1843. Amidst the growing competition between European powers over the exclusive protectorate that France was entitled to exercise over Christians, the rank of the Consul in Jerusalem was raised to that of a Consul General in 1893. Despite the abolition of France's protectorate over the Latins and the Turkish-ruled Holy Places in 1914, the Consulate General tried to maintain and expand its influence in Palestine. Since the creation of the state of Israel in 1948, the Consulate General of France in Jerusalem has held the status of a quasi-embassy.” Log24 (talk) 00:13, 18 November 2010 (UTC)

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