Talk:Corbin Sharun/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Ikhtiar H (talk · contribs) 07:55, 9 January 2016 (UTC)

I will review this article. Ikhtiar H (talk) 07:53, 9 January 2016 (UTC)

Checklist
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria 
 * 1) Is it reasonably well written?
 * A. Prose is "clear and concise", without copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors:
 * B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
 * 1) Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
 * A. Has an appropriate reference section:
 * B. Cites reliable sources, where necessary:
 * C. No original research:
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. Major aspects:
 * B. Focused (see summary style):
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content: (no images)
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions: (no images)
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content: (no images)
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions: (no images)
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions: (no images)
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Pass or Fail:

Comments
When I quote things, you can use ctrl+f to search the page for the specific line I quoted.
 * 1) Change "drafted by" to "drafted in".
 * Could you explain why you'd like to see this change? The grammar as it exists is correct, and your proposed change would make it incorrect. "Drafted by" is also the typical wording used in existing GAs, such as Jackie Slater. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "Sharun was born in Edmonton, Alberta." - a reference needs to be added even if that already exists. See WP:WPBIO.
 * ✅ ~ RobTalk 15:03, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) Why isn't the province Alberta linked? Even if the page does not exists, it can be kept. For more information, see WP:RL.
 * See WP:OVERLINKING. A link to Alberta is accessible via Edmonton if necessary, but it's highly unlikely that anyone will want to make the jump from Corbin Sharun to Alberta. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) I had to visit St Francis Xavier University to find what "X-Men" is. Again, X-Men should be linked. Mentioning that it is an athlete team of the University will be more helpful for unfamiliar reader like me. For further understanding, see WP:LINKS.
 * ✅ It is already linked in the lead. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) The Early career section is quite messy. It is a series of similarly structured declarative sentences. It reads more like a list of things than it does a biographical story. Reconstruction needed.
 * I re-read the section and made a few copy-edits, but I'm not really sure what specific improvements you'd like to see. In most early career sections, including those of existing sports bio GAs, a repetitive list of accomplishments is somewhat inevitable. Reliable sources rarely cover much of the biographical story from years prior to a player becoming notable. There is some color in the section, including his father's cancer diagnosis and the rationale for him switching positions. Could you suggest a more specific improvement? ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * that will be enough. If you want to go for FA, then more ce needed.
 * 1) What is "all-Canadian"? If it an award, why not describe it elaborately?
 * ✅ It is an award. Link added which leads to a description. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) 2010 season has a repetitive use of the word "roster". Various Sharun(s) (nouns) should be replaced with pronouns.
 * ✅ Yikes! Fixed. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "Sharun recorded 16 special teams tackles while playing in 15 regular season games during his first season, along with one defensive tackle." - Since it is an ending sentence of the season, it should be reworded. A better way of starting this is: "Until the end of his first season...(his records)."
 * ✅ Reworded. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "Sharun's second year performance also came second in the CFL" What came second? I got that when I saw the reference site. The whole sentence should start like this: "Sharun's second year performance of special teams tackle...", swapping "for special teams tackle" from the last part to make it clearer.
 * ✅ Also fixed some repetitive use of the word "record" in the section. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "with a record of 11–7 and finished second in the West division." add "winning before "record" to make readers what exactly it is about. There are many alternative words present.
 * ✅ ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "Sharun played in a victory over the Calgary Stampeders in the West Semi-Finals as well as a 40–23 loss to eventual Grey Cup champions, the BC Lions, in the West Final." - It should be compressed. Also a more 'matured' use of words is required.
 * ✅ Reworded. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) The 2011 contains a lot of his records which isn't a problem. But the repetition of "Sharun/His records" varies.
 * ✅ Fixed this when addressing something above. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "He missed games after being placed on the six-game injured list in October." - a more precise way of writing is needed.
 * ✅ Removed reference to missing games to condense. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "In a September 7 game against the Stampeders, Sharun caught a pass from third-string quarterback and holder Matt Nichols following a failed field goal snap and ran 35 yards for both players' first career touchdown." - The importance and significance of this event should be noted.
 * The relevance is that the pass was incredibly unlikely, given that failed field goal snaps almost never happen and a holder typically can't pass well at all. Additionally, the play was the first career touchdown for both players (already noted). This can't really be spelled out in the article more without going on a tangent about how field goals work, and I believe we can assume the reader of an article on football knows the basics of the game or can follow the link to field goal to learn about it. I added the phrase "an unlikely pass" to attempt to highlight how odd this play was, but I have serious concerns over whether that is neutral. Thought about this more and I think it's neutral, given that the source expresses the fact that it's unlikely. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "including three total tackles in the September 6 game against the Stampeders" - If it is his highest number of tackles in a single match, why not mention it?
 * No source identifies it as his highest number of tackles in a single match. It may be his highest total, but I'm bound by WP:V. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "Following the 2014 season, Sharun was signed to a contract extension by the Eskimos, but he was released prior to the start of the regular season in 2015" - "he" after but not required.
 * ✅ Both are valid grammatical constructions (compound sentence vs. linking verbs), but done. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) "In a loss at the West Final, Sharun recorded three special-teams tackles against the Eskimos, his former team" - replace this with: "The Stampeders lost that match against Sharun's former team, the Eskimos dispute he put on a descent performance of three-special teams tackles." (Note: Use this as an example to change all the sentences that need to be improved per GA criteria.)
 * ✅ Your example has major grammatical errors ("despite he put on a decent performance" is not correct), but I've reworded the sentence slightly. Are you okay with the new version? ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) I just feel that all the season sub-section titles should be removed. All of them are large enough to fit in Edmonton Eskimos section.
 * ✅ ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * 1) Season statistics section should be altered as a corresponding section of Early career and Professional career. I mean change to a level 2 to header . See WP:LAYOUT for more help.
 * ✅ It was originally underneath his professional career heading because the stats were related only to his professional career, but I don't mind if it's a level 2 instead. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)

Result
On hold for 14 days. The article is long away from the criteria. A lot of errors has to be fixed. Ikhtiar H (talk) 13:15, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * Please see my responses/corrections above. There were a few comments I did not agree with, which I'm happy to discuss further. ~ RobTalk 14:59, 23 January 2016 (UTC)
 * Passing this to GA. The nominator deserves a credit for all this. Ikhtiar H (talk) 13:04, 24 January 2016 (UTC)