Talk:Cyclone Favio/GA2

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.'' Reviewer: TheAustinMan (talk · contribs) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Hello again, YE. I will be reviewing Cyclone Favio, which at first glance is quite an interesting tropical cyclone. As I've said before, please do not dismiss my more meticulous, minor qualms as "outside the scope of WP:WIAGA." I like to give as many suggestions as possible to help and improve the article. As you've said this yourself, treat this like a mini-WP:FAC. I'll be only slightly more lenient with this review than I was with the last, but that won't stop me from failing the review if it does not meet the larger qualms within a week. You said that you'd "hire" User:Hylian Auree to copyedit, but instead you went ahead and fired up another GAN, so I hope you made a decision that you thought was wise. I'll sort this review by section, with the content in question, from the article, in italics. Below is my review, and thanks in advance for your cooperation.  TheAustinMan (Talk·Works) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

General Reminders

 * Please use non-breaking spaces between numbers and their identifiers, and monetary values.
 * Know where to place hyphens (-) and en dashes (–) in the appropriate locations.
 * These two issues really are not important. I'm not gonna waste time making myself blind when I could spend that same time adding new content to another article. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Lead

 * "Early on February 11, 2007, a zone of disturbed weather first formed east of Madagascar." → Since "formed" is already used as a 'first instance of such event occurring,' you don't need the word 'first' in the sentence.
 * Good call TAM. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Four days later, Favio intensified to a moderate tropical storm while moving southwest. " → This is the first time you've used the word Favio in a synoptic context, so you leave the reader to guess when the previously mentioned 'zone of disturbed weather' was named, or became a depression for that matter. You should add a sentence beforehand indicating when this 'zone of disturbed weather' became Favio.
 * Nah, it could have been added in two words. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "The storm further intensified early on February 18 and was thus upgraded into a severe tropical storm." → The way you add 'storm further intensified early...' makes it seem like Favio intensified only early on that day and then stopped for a period of time before some other future intensification event. I'd recommend this wording - "The storm was upgraded into a severe tropical storm early on February 18 as it continued to intensify." That way, you erase any confusion and you don't need the 'continuing to intensify' two sentences later. Remember you don't need to indicate what the storm was doing at every intensity change.
 * I just removed the continued to intensify part altogether. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "...the small tropical cyclone reached intense tropical cyclone status the next day while peaking in intensity." → Two issues here. One, you should change the first 'tropical cyclone' to a synonym so you don't have two 'tropical cyclone' texts. Second, it didn't reach that status while peaking in intensity, it reached that status and then peaked in intensity.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane
 * "However, the cyclone had weakened somewhat prior to making landfall on February 22 in the Inhambane Province in Mozambique." → Since you have two 'in's, change the first instance of 'in' to on.
 * I use "on" later on though. I think we use "on" to much in WPTC fail. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Around 130,00 0homes suffered damage..." → You shifted the zero over to the home to make an 0home.
 * That is a space fail, don't you know me by now. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "In Zimbabwe, 400 electricity poles were downed." → This is the first time you've mentioned Zimbabwe, so you should link it.  TheAustinMan (Talk·Works) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Meteorological history

 * "Cyclone Favio originated from a zone of that Météo-France office on Réunion (MFR),which is the official Regional Specialized Meteorological Center for the south-west Indian Ocean, first classified as a zone of disturbed weather at 1200 UTC February 11, 2007." → This sentence is built with misaligned bolts and riveting. Since there are a number of issues here, I'll provide you the suggested wording - "Cyclone Favio originated from a zone of disturbed weather at 1200 UTC on February 11, 2007 within the area of responsibility of the Météo-France office on Réunion (MFR).[nb 1]" And with that note explain how that is the official RSMC of the southwest Indian Ocean, kind of like we do explaining how JMA and JTWC are as notes.
 * Your suggestion does not work "a zone of disturbed weather at" is so weird. Eh, the wikilink can explain that. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Twelve hours later, the JTWC issued their first advisory of the system, designating it as 14S." First thing, you say JTWC but never explain what JTWC stands for until the next paragraph. That should be swapped. Second, it should be the first advisory on the system, and not of . Third and most important thing, according to the sources you provided, the JTWC designated the system as 14S on February 14 – the JTWC does not assign tropical cyclone-type designations to invests, and according to the agency, Favio was an INVEST at the time.
 * Did the first two, just removed the JTWC designation crap. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Midday on February 12, MFR upgraded the system into a tropical disturbance and noted that its rating at that time on the Dvorak Technique was 2.0." → Technique should not be capitalized.
 * KK. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "According to the Joint Typhoon Warning Center (JTWC), an area of convection developed 340 mi south-southwest of Diego Garcia." → Again, like I said earlier the abbreviation-explanation for JTWC should've been in the other paragraph. Secondly, the main issue is that the reference that cites this source (#2) is a MFR site that has nothing to do with the JTWC, so you should get a JTWC best track instead, which also explains that it was an area of convection in the first place.
 * My brain goes into a lot of funks and this was one of them. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Initially, however, the convection was not very concentrated near the center. However,sea surface temperatures in the area were somewhat warm so gradual intensification was predicted and the storm was projected to become a severe tropical storm within 48 hours." → You should axe out the first use of 'however' since 'Initially' already takes care of the meaning there.
 * Disagreed. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "as the system; according to MWR, had intensified into a moderate tropical storm." → I'm pretty sure the MFR upgrades storms and not the Monthly Weather Review :P.
 * Another reason why GC should do work on my brain. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "After intensifying slightly (based on JTWC data) that evening, the storm briefly weakened overnight, only to re-intensify that morning." → Since the morning is on the following day you should say the 'next morning' or the 'following morning' or some other derivative of 'the morning of the next day'.
 * Good call TAM. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "On February 16, Favio turned southeast in response to a large subtropical ridge." → According to the storm path picture you have there, there's never a turn to the southeast so I don't know what you're looking at. I assume you meant southwest.
 * It's a directional fail :P YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Subsequently, the storm turned west as the ridge merged with another one centered over South Africa. Two days later, the agency then upgraded the system into cyclone status." → I don't have any problems with the sentence itself, but the reference that follows (#2), says nothing about two ridges merging. You probably forgot a Gary Padgett source in the sentence.
 * You're learning my fails, TAM. Fixed. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "At 0000 UTC that day, on February 19, the JTWC upgraded the system into a Category 1 hurricane-equivalent on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale (SHWS)..." → Based off of texts and the linked article itself, "hurricane wind scale" should not be capitalized. Secondly, it's SSHWS, not SHWS.
 * Disagreed on SSHWS, but I disagree with the title change as well. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "...though not much addition intensification was predicted." → 'Addition' is a noun. Since it's placed before a noun, it should be 'additional' - a verb.
 * Every heard of "additional" :P YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Filao turned west-northwest, traversing the Mozambique Channel while beginning to deepen." → Huh? When did we start talking about Cyclone Filao?
 * Brain mistake. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "At 000 UTC February 20, the JTWC declared that Favio had intensified into a Category 2 hurricane-equivalent on the SSHWS." → You got 'SSHWS' right this time around but you're missing a zero in '0000 UTC'.
 * Yep, another one of YE's zillion mistakes. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Several hours later, Favio was then upgraded into an intense tropical cyclone by MF..." → Since you specified earlier and for consistency reasons, 'MF' should be 'MFR'. This also occurs several times throughout the meteorological history so you'll have to fix those too.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "...becoming the most intense South-West Indian Ocean north of the 25th parallel since the satellite era began." → Since it's not linked, or specified in the source, you should research when this 'satellite era' began and put it in the article to give a sense in how much the satellite era spanned. Otherwise the reader, if they aren't knowledgeable on space science, might be confused as to what this satellite era spanned.
 * I added a wikilink which means the history of satellites. Satellite era itself is a term that can be some disagreement over the start off, if what I am saying makes sense, which probably does not, and I deserve to have a shoe thrown at by CB. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Six hours later, the JTWC announced that Favio had peak in intensity, with 140 mph winds. This made Favio equal to a Category 4 hurricane on the SSHWS." → First thing - it's 'peaked', not 'peak', since you have 'had' beforehand. Also, you don't need to specify what it was equivalent to - you already stated it had intensified to a C4 two sentences prior. There wasn't another classification change, so this is redundant and not needed. It's in the infobox, too.
 * I meant to say mid-level. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "The JTWC excepted Favio to continuing to weaken, and dissipate within 48 hours over land." → 'Continuing' should be changed to 'continue'.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "The eye disappeared off of satellite imagery..." → You need a comma after imagery.
 * I guess. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "On the other hand, MF estimated winds of 105 mph." → You give the intensity-equivalent for the JTWC estimate on the SSHWS scale (C1), but you don't give the intensity-equivalent of the MFR estimate on the MFR scale. Be sure to balance both agencies.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Upon making landfall, it did so on the seven years anniversary of the last intense tropical cyclone, Eline, to strike Mozambique," → Three issues. You should change 'seven years anniversary' to 'seventh anniversary'. By definition provided by the Oxford Dictionary, an 'anniversary' is a date on which an event took place in a previous year, so its meaning should already be implied. Secondly, the reference which cites this (#15) has nothing to do with Eline or Favio, but Cyclone Gelane from 2010. Please find an actual source. Third and lastly, since the next sentence is on a different topic, change the comma after Mozambique to a full stop.
 * Huh? The layman does not think about that, but okay. And replaced the ref. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Favio was also the first tropical cyclone to hit the country since Cyclone Japhet did during the 2002-03 South-West Indian Ocean cyclone season." → There's a double space between 'country' and 'since'. It doesn't show up on read-format but it is there.
 * Done. And does this matter if it's not on read-format? YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Preparations

 * "A cyclone watch was issued on February 16, and three-hourly updates were commenced due to the threat to La Réunion. This was discontinued that day after Favio moved well to the south of the island." → The BBC source which follows (#21) says nothing about the cyclone watch or the three-hour watches, or anything in the sentences I just transcluded.
 * That's what I get for trusting the season article. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Authorities in the latter issued a flood warning." → Typically 'latter' is not used after a list of three. You should just specify the country instead, as in 'Authorities in Zimbabwe...'
 * No, latter is always the last. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Because of the topography of the region,meteorologists noted the potential for flooding in Zimabawe." If you fixed the issue in the last qualm bullet, then you can change the 'Zimbabwe' here to 'the country'.  TheAustinMan (Talk·Works) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Not gonna happen. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:13, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Impact

 * "Along the southeastern portion of the nation, road access was restricted." → The source says road access was reduced, not restricted. Restricted is too strong of a word and it will give readers the wrong meaning.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Moreover, the cyclone disrupted relief efforts during an aftermath of flood that killed three persons and displaced 33,000 people throughout the country." → You should add an 'a' before flood. Also, just to clarify, you should add 'had' before 'displaced', so the reader will know that the flood displaced 33,000 people for sure, and not Favio.
 * IT's clear. I'm not replying to these BS comments anymore. If there is no reply, I'm not addressing them. 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Overall, the cyclone was one of several storms to affect the nation during the season." → Since this isn't the lead, you should go into further detail and say that it was one of six storms specifically to affect the nation.
 * "In all, a total of 10 people were killed by the storm and nearly 100 others were injured." → Since '10' is a one syllable number it should be changed to ten per WP:MOS.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "About 64,000 people moved to tents during the storm, and[25] 33,000 people were displaced during the storm." → Not sure why you have the reference after 'and' and not after the coma.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Cyclone Favio destroyed 277,000 ha of crops primarily in Vilanculos, Inhassoro, Govuro, and Masinga districts in Inhambane Province." → Add a comma after crops.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Favio damaged the court in the resort town of Vilanculos in Southern Mozambique." → You should specify that it was the town court. Moreover, people could think that the court might be some old blacktop basketball court. You should flush out the details since this isn't the lead.
 * "Additionally, 600 prisoners escaped when the local jail was demolished." → There's no issue here, but were they found?
 * Idk or care. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Elsewhere, the storm unearthed trees and blew off rooftops in Pontagea" → By concise definition, 'unearth' is reserved for objects that are entirely within the ground, so find a synonym for 'uproot', or use 'uproot'.
 * Damaged works I guess. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Bazaruto Island, which is only normally reachable by boats and helicopters, was cut off from when the island's electricity grid was destroyed." → The only thing that source #1 says about Bazaruto Island is that it was struck first, so I don't know where you're getting all this information. Also, "only normally reachable by boats and helicopters" is not needed. We get it, it's an island. It's not like you drive a car there.
 * Removed. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "In Zimbabwe, the Bvumba Mountains received heavy winds and rain." → You can link Bvumba Mountains.
 * I can and did. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Throughout the country, damage was minimal and was most due to the uprooting of trees..." → Most should be mostly.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:29, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Furthermore, the remnants of the low struck southern Tanzania. Cyclone Favio also destroyed 56 houses in Hai." → You combine these two sentences, because Hai District is a part of Tanzania. That'll also get rid of the 'also' which isn't needed.

Aftermath

 * "The disaster management minister of South Africa, flew in to Mozambique to survey the damage." → Comma is not needed.
 * Removed. Say goodbye to the comma. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Due to the concern via officials about the potential for outbreaks of diseases, such as malaria and cholera, health officials responded through public awareness such as radios and theaters." → There's a number of things I'd link to fix about this, but to shorten things up I'll just give you my recommended phrasing - "Due to the concern for potential disease epidemics including those of malaria and cholera, health officials raised public awareness through theaters and radio." This is much more concise on the meaning and doesn't go around in curves and turns.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "One agency provided $626,500, enabling transportation of 50,000 mosquito nets to the devastated area." → You say this in the lead, and here, but never specify the 'agency'. It's a joint coalition of the United States Agency for International Development and the Office of Foreign Disaster Assistance, by the way.
 * Added. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Oxfam International distributed 18,000 liters of clean water per day..." → Could use a customary conversion, probably to gallons.
 * So, could you be converted to gallos. Yeah, victims of Favio distributed 5 gallons of TAM's a day. Anyway, fixed YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "In Calia, Oxfam also distributed 1,400 nets and some." → And some what?
 * Brain issue. Fixed, BTW. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Marromeu was also supplied 900 mosquito nets via Calia." → Two problems. Since it's the first time you're mentioning Marromeu, and 900 mosquito nets weren't used before, you don't need 'also', so scratch that off. Secondly, you don't make clear what Calia is. In the last sentence you made it sound like a province - "In Calia, Oxfam..." Now, you're making it sound like some air service or distribution centre. Please clarify.
 * I don't know to be honest, and the first claim is really not needed. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Hundreds of local red cross staff and volunteers were utilized;..." Red Cross, or rather International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement, is an official organization, so 'red cross' should be capitalized.
 * "Thirty-one recovery centers opened, hosting 400 volunteers who are trained in first aid." → This can be made more concise be rewording to 'hosting 400 trained first aid volunteers.
 * ✅. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "The government was praised for how well and quickly they handled the crisis." → This was stated in the lead, but there's no clarification in the body of the article. Two words. (Hint: It's UNICEF)
 * I can;' without messing the whole article up, but I tried to tweak it a tad. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "On March 5, a plan was launched to provide victims for a total of US $71 million worth of aid, of which $773,000 was expected to be directed towards the health." → In the lead you say "(Money) (2007 USD)". Here, you say "US$Money" Be consistent, or add a note that all monetary values are in 2007 USDs.
 * I hate notes. IT's pretty clear now TAM. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * "Furthermore, concerns rose about the potential outbreak of diseases like HIV." → Didn't you say something about officials being concerned about disease outbreaks earlier? Merge this with that.  TheAustinMan (Talk·Works) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * In the lead IIRC. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:38, 27 July 2013 (UTC)

Miscellany and External Links & References

 * References #32 and #27 are dead.  TheAustinMan (Talk·Works) 02:15, 27 July 2013 (UTC)
 * They are not dead per this, which AFAIK is what is used to determine dead links. YE Pacific  Hurricane 03:40, 27 July 2013 (UTC)