Talk:Cyclone Hina/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: TropicalAnalystwx13 (talk · contribs) 19:42, 3 January 2014 (UTC)

Hi, JasonRees. I'll be reviewing this. TropicalAnalystwx13 (talk) 19:42, 3 January 2014 (UTC)
 * I'll be taking over this review, since TA13 said I could. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 04:54, 20 January 2014 (UTC)


 * You should link "monsoon trough" in the lead
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "as a weak shallow depression" - you don't link to any of this, so it makes me wonder what a "weak shallow depression" is. Is that whole thing one actual term? Or a vague description?
 * As far as i know a shallow depression is a proper term that i think is/was used to describe the tropical disturbance stage.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "within the vicinity of the Fijian Dependency: Rotuma" - this is just a summary of the article, so you can just link to Rotuma (just as you link to Tonga). If you want, you could say the "Fijian island of Rotuma", but the current wording is a bit awkward. Ditto later.
 * I dont think we can say Fijian Island since the way i view Rotuma, is that its Fijian but politically independent (eg Ireland or Guam).Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You should specify somewhere in the lead that the storm took place in the southern Pacific Ocean. That'd probably help most readers.
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Over the next two days the depression" - add comma
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "as it started to develop further within favorable conditions for further development." - I'm confused by the "as", which could imply "concurrent with", "while", or "because of". Which is it?
 * I dont see your problem here as to me "concurrent with" and "while" are the same thing and think that the sentence would explain it.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * No, but did it remain stationary because it developed further, or did it develop at the same time of the stationary movement? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "The system was subsequently named Hina on November 15" - is that four months before or eight months after?
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "to the southeast of Niulakita, Tuvalu." - if it was just passing southeast, why not only indicate "Tuvalu"? Is that not true then?
 * I feel that it is better to specify which island, since there are several and are stretched out.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You should mention peak winds in the lead, and ideally what "tropical cyclone intensity" is
 * Operationally or Post Analysis.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Either. That's an important part of the article. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "During the systems post analysis it was determined that the warning centers had underestimated Hina's intensity as it passed over Tonga, after damage had been greater than expected in the island nation." - this would be so much better if it wasn't in passive voice
 * Could you do this? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "caused a severe amount of coastal erosion, on all of the country’s nine atolls with about 6.7% of land washed into the sea" - move that comma to after "atolls"
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "destroyed parts of the road" - which road?
 * The source doesnt specify which road, when writing the article i did wonder if this is because there is only 1 road on the island but i dont know.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You misread the source. It says "Hina was also blamed for destroying parts of the road on the northern and eastern coasts of Futuna", which basically just means there was general road damage. You'd say the same thing if Hina damaged a bunch of apple orchards, and you could say "Hina damaged the apple crop." ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "As Hina affected Tonga, there were no casualties reported as the system affected the island nation" - you don't mention a lack of deaths elsewhere, and technically, there were casualties, since that word means killed or injured.
 * Keywords: as the system affected the island nation and yes i do in the Tongan section.Jason Rees (talk) 00:55, 21 January 2014 (UTC)
 * No, but "casualty" means death or injury, so the sentence is false. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Is "Vaiola" a thing?
 * Its the name of the hospital.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * That doesn't mean anything to the reader. Where is the hospital located? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "after a sea captain suffered a heart attack while evacuating from his home" - was the home his boat? If not, you don't need to say "sea captain", since it's extraneous detail for the lead
 * Reworked.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Extensive damage to utilities, vegetation and agriculture was reported on Tongatapu, with trees uprooted or broken and more than 12,000 tonnes (26,000,000 lb) of fruit and food crops including banana trees and coconut palms destroyed. - a bit long. Did all of this occur on Tongatapu? If so, you could write it simpler with active voice... "The cyclone left extensive damage to utilities and agriculture on Tongatapu, where trees were uprooted and more than 12,000 tonnes (26,000,000 lb) of fruit and food crops were destroyed, mostly to banana and coconut trees."
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "After the cyclone the Tongan Government requested and received emergency aid, from the governments of several countries including France, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and the United Kingdom. " - weird comma placement
 * Not really the one after emergency aid seems naturally right while ive always been told to place a comma between list items or in this case countries.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Yea, the comma is fine with the lists, but the one after the aid shouldn't be there. And there should be one after "After the cyclone". ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "On March 11, 1997, the Fiji Meteorological Service's Regional Specialized Meteorological Center in Nadi, Fiji (RSMC Nadi)" - do you have a source detailing why you use RSMC Nadi instead of FMS for "Fiji Meteorological Service"?
 * Eh? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Isn't "windshear" two words?
 * Fixed.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "as the system moved northwards RSMC Nadi relocated the depression to within 110 km (70 mi) to the northwest of Rotuma" - add a comma toward the beginning, and why "to within"? Why not just say "to about 110..."? Much cleaner, easier to read.
 * Fixed.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Later that day the United States" - you really need to work on your comma placement :P
 * Fixed.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Is " the United States Joint Typhoon Warning Center" really the title? I thought it was just JTWC, not USJTWC.
 * It is better to note the country here since i note it for FMS.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Perhaps have it as an actual note, instead of via prose? Ditto FMS? I usually clarify what the warning centers do when I do SWIO articles. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "subsequently initiated advisories on the system and designated it as Tropical Cyclone 33P" - learn how shorter sentences can be better
 * I dont feel that sentence is better, in fact i think its worse than the example.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * There's no need for the extra words though. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "During that day" - in general, it isn't good practice to refer to "that day", when "that" refers to a date two sentences prior.
 * I think we can make an exception here since there is a date later in the sentence :P.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Not that sentence. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "the system continued its northwards movement until it curved eastwards and later south-eastwards during March 14, before it passed about 55 km (35 mi) to the southeast of Niulakita the southernmost island of Tuvalu" - it did all three movements in one day? Add a comma after "Niulakita" and after "northwards movement" (which should be northward)
 * Reworked.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * It's worse now. Please shorten it. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You mention "NPMOC" without saying what it stands for
 * Forgot to abbreviate it on first usage.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * :P ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Early on March 16, RSMC Nadi reported that based on satellite imagery and guidance from other meteorological centres, the system had 10-minute sustained wind speeds of 85 km/h (55 mph) as it passed over Southern Tonga" - why no mention of the name "Hina" here? And you might wanna rewrite the end to clarify that Hina passed over southern Tonga (notice capitalization), not RSMC Nadi moving over Southern Tonga.
 * Reworked sentence.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Over the next few days the system continued to move towards the south-southeast and gradually weakened before the NPMOC issued its final advisory later that day " - what day?! And again, comma
 * Reworked sentence.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You need UTC consistency. You use both "08:30 UTC" and "0830 UTC"
 * should be :
 * What does "(21:30 UTC+13)" mean?
 * Seriously? Its Tongas and others timezone.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * You should link it though. It's not explained. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "The systems worst impact" - multiple systems?
 * Added an Apostrophe.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Over the next two days the warning was kept in force while Tuvalu experienced strong to gale force winds because of a convergence zone located over the islands and Hina which passed about 55 km (35 mi) to the southeast of Niulakita, Tuvalu" - could this be simpler/shorter?
 * Not sure.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Could you try? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Cyclone Gavin and Hina's wave, storm surge and strong winds" - only one combined wave?
 * changed to waves.Jason Rees (talk) 22:51, 22 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "and subsequently accelerated, towards the south-southeast and passed near the island during the next day." - why comma?
 * Because it feels natural to be there.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Not to me... ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "winds of 76 km/h (47 mph) and 115 km/h (71 mph) were recorded at Hihifo on Wallis and Maopoopo on Futuna" - add "respectively" or "respective" somewhere in there
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Are you sure there isn't any more impact on Futuna Island? Winds of over 70 mph tend to cause more damage than just a bit of road damage
 * There was a bit of crop damage which is noted in the article - but other than that i dont have anything else that ive found.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Alright, thanks. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "During the next day Hina" - comma again
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * " and took less than 2 hours to inflict considerable damage on the Tongan islands." - you should emphasize this was Hina doing the damage in two hours (notice writing out the 2), since right now it implies Isaac took two hours.
 * Swapped the sentence around.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "worst affected" - probably should have a dash
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "The two worst affected Tongan islands were Tongatapu and 'Eua after major damages were reported on both islands" - obviously the two worst-affected islands had major damage on both islands. Cut the last bit
 * Not necessarily they could have had moderate damage and still be the worst affected Tongan islandsJason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * But that wasn't the case, and you then explain what happened there. It's redundant now. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * ", however, during a post disaster survey no evidence was found to prove or disprove this claim" - the however should be preceded by a semicolon, and post-disaster needs a dash
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "It was noted that several of the badly damaged houses had little or no cyclone protection and sat next to a house that was not damaged at all" - I don't know what the last portion of this sentence means... ._.
 * It means that out of two houses in a street - 1 was badly hit while the other wasnt.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "or a jet streak by a post disaster survey" the post-disaster (note the dash) caused the jet streak?
 * Read the sentence properly, it does not say that the post-disaster survey caused the jet streak.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * But therein lies the problem with passive voice. Could you swap the sentence around to start with "A post disaster durvey"...? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 23:19, 29 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "the systems aftermath" - does this mean Hina and Keli?
 * Added an apostrophe.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Within the islands severe damage to power lines and telecommunication systems was reported, while over 600 people were left homeless" - what does the damage to power lines have to do with the 600 people left homeless? Wouldn't that last bit be more appropriate next to the damaged houses?
 * Reworked.Jason Rees (talk) 03:58, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "On the main island of Tongatapu, extensive damages to utilities, vegetation and agriculture in places, with trees ether uprooted or broken and more than 12,000 tonnes (26,000,000 lb) of fruit and food crops including banana trees and coconut palms destroyed." - too long, grammatically incorrect
 * Fixed.Jason Rees (talk) 03:58, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Some of the coconut palms were snapped which suggested that wind gusts of between 165–185 km/h (105–115 mph) had been experienced on the island" - add a comma somewhere
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Wrong place :P Put the comma after "snapped" instead. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 23:19, 29 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Within Nukuʻalofa which was the capital city of Tonga, there wasn't a lot of structural damage reported" - is Nukualofa no longer the capital? Regardless, add a comma before which, and spell out "wasn't". Also, at the end little bit, add a semicolon before "however"
 * Eh? ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 23:19, 29 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "T$2.9 million" - USD conversion?
 * Is it really needed?Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * It's customary for damage totals. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)

All in all, decent article, just a lot of pretty small things to be done. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 04:54, 20 January 2014 (UTC) Rereview please.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * " with power lines brought down throughout Tongatapu and caused a complete blackout during March 16" - awkward writing
 * Better?Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Some of the power lines fell down after trees were uprooted and thrown at the power lines, while it seemed that there was a domino effect of one power pole going down and subsequently pulling down other power poles." - this whole sentence could be rewritten much simpler as.... - "Some of the uprooted trees knocked down power lines, sometimes causing a domino effect of bringing down additional power poles." This avoids you saying "power" four times
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * I'd add an aftermath sub-section for Tonga to help split up the structure a bit, but that's totally optional
 * The impression i have is that it would be a level 4 header - which i dont think is needed or look great.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Nah, it'd be a level 3 header. Doesn't matter much though. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "Within the systems aftermath insurance companies" - again, singular system or not? And add comma
 * Clarified.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Fix where the comma is. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Fixed.Jason Rees (talk) 23:19, 29 January 2014 (UTC)
 * " on both islands," - what islands? And remove comma, hah
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * " to act temporary shelters" - add "as" in there
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "the Tonga Electric Power Board had restored electricity, to several consumers" - remove comma
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 03:39, 27 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Any reason you list both USD and Tonga dollars for some items, but not all?
 * I only provided USD conversions where they were provided by the source since it is easier than trying to figure out dates etc.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "while the Chinese Government pledged T$36 thousand US$30 thousand" - eh?
 * Added a bracket.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "T$22 thousand and T$24 thousand were pledged by Germany and the United Nations Department of Humanitarian Affairs" - respectively?
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * "MMI insurance provided the Tonga Amateur Sports Association with T$384 thousand, to cover damages to the Teufaiva Grand Stand" - to cap off the GA review, remove the comma here, please!
 * Done.Jason Rees (talk) 01:37, 25 January 2014 (UTC)
 * Alright, made the replies. Looking better, but not quite there. ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 06:29, 27 January 2014 (UTC)