Talk:Cyclone Taylor/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Kosack (talk · contribs) 12:24, 3 September 2019 (UTC)

I'll take this one on, will post review as soon as possible. Kosack (talk) 12:24, 3 September 2019 (UTC)

Initial review

Early life

 * "The exact date of Taylor's birth is unknown", unknown is possibly the wrong word given that we have options. Perhaps disputed would be more suitable?
 * Changed


 * "which had raised to $75 a month", if you use raise I think you'll need to change to "had been raised" or you could simply drop raised for increased? Either way, I don't think it quite works as it is.
 * Changed it to "risen to $75" hopefully that makes it clearer


 * "though initially a couple years younger" > couple of years younger.
 * Fixed


 * "who had expected Taylor to follow his instructions", follow his instructions sounds a bit odd. How about simply "expected Taylor to accept his invitation"?
 * Changed

Portage la Prairie and Portage Lakes (1906–1907)

 * "As hockey was strictly professional in Canada", should this be strictly amateur?
 * Yes, thanks for catching that.


 * "and impressing his opponents with his skilled play", either the "and" should be dropped or this needs to be changed to impressed rather than impressing.
 * Dropped the "and"


 * "the first openly professional hockey league", openly suggests that there were leagues trying to hide the fact they were professional. Is that what's meant to be implied?
 * It is. I added a note to clarify this.


 * "back in the 1902–03 season", drop back from this sentence, it doesn't really add anything.
 * Done


 * Eastern Canada Amateur Hockey Association, add the abbreviation in brackets afterwards to explain fuhrer usage of ECAHA.
 * Done


 * The last sentence is a little lengthy and could be split between the offers and his preference for Cobalt perhaps.
 * Changed the wording around and split it up.

Ottawa Senators (1907–1909)

 * "a high salary for was not extravagant", this doesn't make sense.
 * Fixed the wording.


 * "promised job security for after his hockey career ended", either "for him" or drop for entirely.
 * Fixed


 * "Taylor was made offers to leave the Senators", made offers sounds a little clunky, simply received?
 * Changed


 * "after the series ended made their own offer to Taylor", should there be an and after ended?
 * Yes, and added


 * "with the highly-sought Lester and Frank Patrick", worth adding brothers after highly-sought?
 * Added


 * "let alone score goals" > let alone scored goals whilst doing so
 * Done


 * "With the Patrick brothers had moved west", grammar is off here.
 * Changed word

Vancouver Millionaires (1912–1922)

 * "from Eastern Canada to come join the league", drop come from this sentence.
 * Done


 * "He barely made it to the game, but made it", slightly repetitive use of made it here.
 * Changed wording to be clearer


 * "being named the most valuable player of the league", link most valuable player.
 * Done


 * "recording twelve points and far behind the scoring leaders", finishing far behind...?
 * Indeed, added

Immigration officer

 * "As the ship reached Vancouver on May 23, 1914, and Taylor was the first immigration officer to board the ship", this sentence doesn't work with As at the start. Drop that and it should be fine.
 * Done


 * Might be worth mention why the Komagata Maru incident was frowned upon. Reading the text here just sounds like a ship arrived and was then turned away.
 * Added a note they weren't allowed into Canada. If you think it needs a bit more let me know.

Legacy

 * "Taylor was regarded as one of the best hockey players". Best hockey players of what? The era, all-time, in Canada?
 * I moved the sentence around to clarify it was during his career.

Further comments

 * Where are his height and weight sourced from? Could probably do with a citation the infobox if it's not mentioned in the prose.
 * Same with his career statistics.
 * The first image in the Hockey career section is not a complete sentence so doesn't require a full stop.
 * From the Marriage and family section, "John the second oldest", son or child?
 * Fixed all of the above.

I think that's probably it from me. Kosack (talk) 11:52, 6 September 2019 (UTC)
 * And done these now. Kaiser matias (talk) 15:53, 7 September 2019 (UTC)
 * Nice work, a fine article. Probably got a decent chance at FA too. Happy to promote, meets the GA criteria. Kosack (talk) 16:45, 7 September 2019 (UTC)
 * Thanks for reviewing, glad you enjoyed it. And definitely planning on going to FAC when I can (have another article there now). Kaiser matias (talk) 17:08, 7 September 2019 (UTC)