Talk:Derek Bryson Park

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Request Edits June 2021
I believe the following requests improve the Derek Bryson Park article. As instructed on the Contact Us page of Wikipedia, I am submitting these proposals on the Talk page because I have a conflict of interest as someone with a personal connection to Park. Could an independent Wikipedia editor please review? I have tried to abide by Wikipedia policies including NPOV, Verify and RS and modeled after best practices in WP: GA articles for public servants such as Nellah Massey Bailey and Sylvia Mathews Burwell. Please let me know if I can answer any questions. I believe these improvements address all the issues in the template issues box on top of the article.

1. In the Infobox, please replace the following information under the heading of “President”: WITH: Background: Given that Park’s term as Director lasted until December 2002, it covered parts of both the Clinton and G.W. Bush presidential administrations. 2. Please remove the following reference, currently reference #3, from the first sentence of the Introduction section:
 * president = Bill Clinton
 * president = Bill Clinton, George W. Bush

United States, Federal Housing Finance Board. “Finance Board Completes Capital Plan Approvals, Commemorates 70th Anniversary of FHLBANK System.” FHFB Press Release, 18 July 2002.

Background: This press release is a primary source, and thus does not conform to Wikipedia policies on reliable secondary sources. The statement already has multiple secondary sources.

3. Please replace the second sentence in the Introduction section with the following: Park has held a number of public positions in his career, including director of the Federal Home Loan Banks, vice-chairman of the New York City Industrial Development Agency and director of the New York City Economic Development Corporation. Background: The sentence is identical but I have added reliable sources for everything.

Excerpt from Bond Buyer article (not online):

Previously he served on the board of the Federal Home Loan Bank of New York and as a managing director at Cohane Rafferty Securities, LLC which was acquired by Lehman Brothers in 2002. 4. At the end of the Introduction section, please add the following: Park has also worked in finance at several firms, including Cohane Rafferty Securities, Lehman Brothers and Wilmington Capital Securities. Background: The existing version only provides a summary of Park’s public service career, but does not mention his career in finance. Both are necessary in order to create a complete bio, as per model bio articles in WP:GA and WP:FA. Relevant excerpt from source (not online) in Request #3.

5. In the Early Life and Education section, in the third and final sentence, DELETE

While at NYU, Park was director of stadium operations of the US Open Tennis Championships at Flushing Meadows in 1979, and operations manager of the WCT Tournament of Champions in the early 1980s.

REPLACE IT WITH

While at NYU, Park was director of stadium operations of the US Open Tennis Championships at Flushing Meadows in 1979.

Background: The second clause of the sentence in the existing version about Park serving as the Operations Manager of the WCT Tournament of Champions in the early 1980s is based on primary sources that appear to be self-published. So it has been removed.

6. In the Career section, please replace the first paragraph:

During the 1980s, Park worked at California-based Callon Petroleum Company and Interpublic Group. In 1983, Park served as statewide campaign manager for the then-Attorney General of Mississippi William Allain during his election to Governor.

with the following: From 1982 to 1985, Park worked in the securities arm of Callon Petroleum Company. In 1983, Park served on the campaign staff for the then-Attorney General of Mississippi William Allain during his election to become governor. From 1985 to 1988, he was at The Interpublic Group of Companies, an advertising agency. In 1988, Park moved to Cohane Rafferty Securities, where he became managing director, and then worked at Lehman Brothers after the latter acquired Cohane Rafferty in 2002. He also served on the board of Southwest Security, the holding company of United Mississippi Bank. Explanation: This passage updates Park’s career between the early 1980s and the early 2000s. There are reliable sources available, so leaving big gaps of major career milestones, without any explanation, is not a Wikipedia best practice -- see any bio on WP: GA or WP: FA as a model. Including major milestones in a career to avoid gaps is not “intricate detail” under best practices. Proposal improves the citations; removes a primary source website. Changes “statewide campaign manager” to “campaign staff member” since the source only specifies he worked on the campaign.

Excerpts from Clarion-Ledger:

Before joining Cohane Rafferty, one of the nation’s largest mortgage-backed securities portfolio managers in 1988, Park worked with the nation’s largest advertising agency, Interpublic Group of Companies/SSC&B, starting in 1985, From 1982 to 1985, Park worked with Natchez-based Callon Petroleum’s securities arm, marketing tax-sheltered oil and gas limited partnership interests.

Who: Derek Bryson Park. New appointment: Federal Home Loan Bank of New York board member. Now a senior vice president at Cohane Rafferty Securities with responsibilities for marketing mortgage banks and mortgage securities to institutions[.]

Excerpt from Bond Buyer:

Previously he served on the board of the Federal Home Loan Bank of New York and as a managing director at Cohane Rafferty Securities, LLC which was acquired by Lehman Brothers in 2002. 7. In the Career section, please replace the current final sentence of the second paragraph:

He then went onto serve in other public positions in New York, including Commissioner of the New York City Commission on Human Rights.

REPLACE WITH: Park then went on to serve in other public positions in New York, including vice-chairman of the New York City Industrial Development Agency and as a Commissioner of the New York City Commission on Human Rights. Explanation: The previous version did not include Park’s approximately decade-long public service at the New York City Industrial Development Agency so this has been added along with a pertinent reference. The second source is primary but the statement is very straightforward, and the source is an official government publication, with his title not subject to interpretation or analysis. Thus it fits within the narrow uses permitted by WP: PRIMARY.

Excerpt from Bond Buyer

The longtime vice chairman of the New York City Industrial Development Agency's board announced his resignation last week. Derek Bryson Park was appointed to the board in 2000 by then-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and became its vice chairman in 2001. 8. In the Career section, in the third paragraph, he first sentence, please DELETE: Park worked with Randy Levine, president of the New York Yankees, and David Cohen, executive vice president of the New York Mets, to fund the construction of two new baseball stadiums in New York City. Both the Mets and Yankees received debt financing for their stadiums, totaling $1.6 billion. In 2006, The Bond Buyer recognized Park's achievements with the Bond Buyer of the Year award, alongside Levine and Cohen for their involvement.

REPLACE WITH:

During his time as vice-chairman of the New York City Industrial Development Agency, Park collaborated with Randy Levine, president of the New York Yankees, and David Cohen, executive vice president of the New York Mets, to fund the construction of two new baseball stadiums in New York City using a combined $1.6 billion in debt financing.

Explanation: The previous version did not add the context that Park’s collaboration with the presidents of the Yankees and Mets was undertaken in his capacity as the vice-chairman of the New York City Industrial Development Agency. Deleted reference to the award since it was given to IDA, the Yankees and the Mets, not Park personally.

Excerpt from Bond Buyer:

In 2006, Park gave the IDA's acceptance speech when it won The Bond Buyer's Deal of the Year Award for the sale of nearly $1.6 billion of bonds to finance new Major League Baseball stadiums for the Mets in Queens and the Yankees in the Bronx. 9. Please add the following sentence to the end of the third and final paragraph in the Career section: In 2010, Park stepped down from his roles as Vice Chair at the IDA and at the NYC Capital Resource Corporation.

Explanation: This sentence rounds out the major events in Park’s public service career since 2006, not present in the current version, in order to paint a complete biographical picture, as per models in WP: GA. Relevant excerpt from source is provided in Request #7.

10. Please remove the template atop the article:

Cleanup rewrite|date=July 2020

Like resume|date=July 2020

Overly detailed|date=July 2020

Autobiography|date=July 2020

Weasel|date=July 2020

The article is now modeled after best practices in WP:GA such as Nellah Massey Bailey and Sylvia Mathews Burwell, not a resume. Career details are reliably sourced. It is very concise -- no excessive detail. Language conforms to NPOV. All the requested fixes from the template are addressed.

Thank you for your consideration. Orenkramek (talk) 18:20, 17 June 2021 (UTC)


 * Hi. Given your list of requests is both comprehensive and complex, I will be looking at it over the coming days and hopefully providing some feedback and/or implementing a portion of them. Thank you for your patience. PK650 (talk) 02:10, 24 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Yellow check.svg Partly done: I've concluded my review, and implemented several changes in my own manner. Item 5 could not be done, given the sources are primary, yet their content is incontrovertible, e.g. you wouldn't say the White House website wouldn't be a reliable source for someone being the current President. Regarding item 8, I don't have access to the Bond Buyer issue cited, and therefore cannot attest to what exactly the award is recognizing. I will remove the bit under the rationale it is not notable, however. Finally, I have removed the tags as they are not intended to serve as badges of shame, and I deem the article to have made significant improvements since then; i.e. I see no glaring issues present. PK650 (talk) 03:41, 30 September 2021 (UTC)