Talk:Des Corcoran

Comments by JennyOz
Hi , I've finished having a look. I notced the GA review has been picked up in meantime so hope my comments don't confuse the issue. I've included typos as well as comments on flow etc. One day you'll be sorry you asked! What a shame he doesn't have an ADB entry! Please move ― or remove:) or hat ― my comments to elsewhere if necessary.

Lede
 * Following his discharge in 1961, Corcoran 1962 state election was elected - something amiss in wording here
 * succeeding his father Jim Corcoran as the member - Jim needs dab. Maybe put 'retiring' before "father"? (looks like he knocked his father off at the election?)
 * but the formed a strong and - they
 * he gained the environment portfolio, retaining marine and works. As premier, Corcoran - That's a sudden unexplained jump from being Dunstan's deputy to premier, maybe a word or two about Dunstan's resignation
 * All done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 06:50, 7 July 2023 (UTC)

Early life and military service
 * attended Tantanoola Primary School,[4] but left school at 13 - did he make it to high school?
 * Haven't been able to find any reference to it. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * He joined the Australian Labor Party in 1941, aged 15 - Add (ALP) here. Maths doesn't work. The SA gov ref is wrong? Was there a minimum age to join ALP, 15? That would make year 1943. Maybe just leave year out?
 * Have left year out. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * "In the meantime, following [through to] again in the 1950 state election." - I think this could be a separate para? (just a flow suggestion.) Then, I think the bit "Robert [through to] 1952,[11] and Des was allocated" would read better as '1952 [11]. Des was allocated the service number 23934, and was allotted as... (because it sounds like Des was already in Korea)
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * After further training, 1 RAR were transported to Korea - 1 RAR was or were?
 * Was... ooops. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * Des married Carmel Campbell and they had eight children - placement looks odd at end of a para about father's elections. (I see you've added a little here since I first read it - more later*) When did he get back from PNG?
 * I was just putting it as close to chronologically as I could. I could just move it to the Death and Legacy section? No idea about PNG, can't find anything in Trove, I'm ordering a copy of his service record to look at before pushing this along to FAC. It should add a bit of detail about his service career. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * When the ALP won government - acronym not yet defined, add it to He joined the Australian Labor Party in 1941
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * Army Education Service - link Australian Army Education Service?
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 7 July 2023 (UTC)

Politics
 * Corcoran's father Jim died in May 1965 - out of place?
 * Changed to "had". OK? Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * Coinciding with the septuagenarian Walsh's retirement in May 1967 - septuagenarian means between 70-79 - clarify?
 * Coinciding with the septuagenarian Walsh's retirement in May 1967 - so he retired as premier that month but remained a member til 68? Was it just an announcement in May 1967?
 * Clarified this whole issue. They effectively pushed Walsh out as premier to give someone else a crack before the term ended. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * "with Corcoran receiving 52.5 per cent of the votes, leaving the new Steele Hall LCL government to rely on the casting vote of independent Speaker Tom Stott." - I couldn't understand why someone with 52.5 per cent of the votes needed a casting vote. Is there a bit missing ie explaining that with Corcoran winning the by-election, seats were even? The para started with "Labor lost government at the 2 March 1968 state election," maybe restructure this para? start it with At the 2 March 1968 state election, the LCL and Labor won the same number of seats	or 	Corc nearly lost his seat at ...byelection... However his win meant that the LCL and Labor had won the same no of seats and it was left to Stott... and so Labor had lost the election.
 * Yes, thanks. Doh! Reworded and added a bit. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * the renamed Liberal Party. - with the LCL being renamed the Liberal Party
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:20, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * while retaining the rest of his portfolios - while retaining his other portfolios
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * achieving his dream of becoming premier on 15 February. - dream? ambition?Add comma after premier
 * Changed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * The future premier Mike Rann served - Mike Rann, who later became premier
 * Changed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * he was much closer to Dunstan - means much closer in style to Dunstan? (as Dunstan not still a member)
 * Yes, changed. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 09:47, 16 July 2023 (UTC)


 * but Corcoran did not contest his seat of Hartley - had decided to retire from politics? do we know why, when?
 * was retained for Labor by Terry Groom - Corocran's vacated seat was retained for Labor by Terry Groom
 * re marriage etc - all I can think of is to change last section to Personal life, death and legacy and add kids, arthritis (often doubled in pain in parliament), sports these from trove 8th in newspapers refs
 * Heggen, Belinda - link Belinda Heggen
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:20, 7 July 2023 (UTC)


 * Jory, Rex - link Rex Jory
 * Done. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:20, 7 July 2023 (UTC)

As you know I sometimes have trouble verbalising my confusion so pls ask for clarifications where needed. Best wishes JennyOz (talk) 13:58, 6 July 2023 (UTC)