Talk:Disneyland Railroad/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Bob1960evens (talk · contribs) 11:48, 16 June 2017 (UTC)

I will review. I will work through the article, making notes as I go, returning to the lead at the end. Please indicate when issues have been addressed with comments or possibly the ✅ template. I am not in favour of using strikethrough, as it makes the text difficult to read at a later date, and it is an important record of the GA process. Bob1960evens (talk) 11:48, 16 June 2017 (UTC)

History

 * Attraction concept origins
 * As a young boy, he began to have the desire to become a train engineer... This sounds cumbersome. Suggest "... he had a desire..."✅
 * Starting in late 1947, he began to develop an interest in model trains... Same issue. Suggest "...he developed an interest..." To avoid too many "developed"s, it might be better to change "he developed an interest in playing polo" in the previous sentence to "he started playing polo".✅
 * By 1948, Walt Disney's interest in model trains began to evolve... "Began" does not work with "By". Suggest "By 1948, Walt Disney's interest in model trains was evolving..."✅
 * was based directly off of copies of the blueprints for the Central Pacific No. 173 "off of" is poor grammar. Suggest "was based on blueprints..."✅
 * Prior to the incident that closed the Carolwood Pacific Railroad, Walt Disney... I am not convinced that we need the full name again. Suggest "Prior to the incident that closed his railroad, Walt Disney..."✅
 * ...in a potential backlot tour... Backlot is not a common term, and needs a little explanation here. It could also be linked to the article Backlot.✅
 * the idea of an amusement park across the street from the studio named Disneyland This reads as if the studio was named Disneyland, but I presume it was the amusement park. If so, suggest "the idea of an amusement park named Disneyland across the street from the studio"✅
 * During this time, Disney proposed that the narrow gauge Crystal Springs... This sentence is very long, with insufficent punctuation. (Try reading it, and only breathing where the punctuation is.) Suggest "During this time, Disney proposed that the narrow gauge Crystal Springs & Southwestern Railroad, which the nearby Travel Town Museum in Griffith Park were planning to build, be extended to run through Disneyland; however, due to the impending construction of the Ventura Freeway between the two sites, and the Burbank City Council..." or somesuch.✅


 * Planning and construction
 * a sponsorship deal was arranged with the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe Railway (AT&SF) Suggest wikilinking the Santa Fe.✅
 * The abbreviation DDR starts to be used without any proper introduction. It should be introduced on first occurrence, so "the triangular route for the future Disneyland Railroad (DDR)" and then you can use DDR subsequently.✅
 * nearly identical proportions as those of a conventional 4 ft 8 1⁄2 in (1,435 mm) standard gauge railroad Suggest removing "4 ft 8 1⁄2 in (1,435 mm)" as we already know that standard gauge is this size, because it was introduced in the previous sentence.✅


 * Additions in the late 1950s
 * when the It's a Small World attraction Suggest quotes or italics for "It's a Small World" or it reads awkwardly.✅
 * Joining the No. 3 locomotive when it went into service in early 1958 were... We know it went into service in early 1958 from the previous sentence. Suggest "The No. 3 locomotive ran with five new open-air Narragansett-style excursion cars, with front-facing bench seating," and joining the sentence to the previous paragraph, as it is currently a single sentence paragraph.✅
 * On March 31, 1958, the No. 3 locomotive participated in the inauguration ceremony ... This sentence is much too long. Suggest splitting and adding some punctuation.✅
 * allowing for superior views Sounds like real-estate speak. Suggest "better views"✅


 * Changes from the 1960s to present
 * The Lilly Belle was given a new exterior paint job... Suggest "new exterior livery" or "paint scheme", rather than "job".✅
 * In 1999, after Norred died the previous year, his family sold... This reads awkwardly. Suggest "Norred died two years later, and in 1999 his family sold..."✅
 * In spring 1966, a five-gondola train set with green-and-white-striped awnings... Another single sentence paragraph. Suggest joining to the following paragraph.✅
 * By the time ... the DRR's original roundhouse ... was replaced... Cannot use "was" with "By the time". Replace with "had been replaced".✅
 * It was then sent to the Walt Disney World Railroad... This sentence needs splitting into two, and the grammar improving. Have a go at reworking it.✅
 * to give Johnston, his mentor, an opportunity with which to reunite and drive his former locomotive. This doesn;t make sense. Suggest "...an opportunity to reunite with and drive..." or somesuch.✅

Ride experience

 * on the opposite side of the track from the station's depot building Should be "on the opposite side of the track to the station's depot building"✅
 * The DRR's otherwise-restricted roundhouse can be viewed by participants of specific runDisney events where the race course organized for the runners goes past the facility. This is a single sentence paragraph. What does "otherwise-restricted" mean? That you cannot go there, cannot enter it, or cannot see it? Suggest clarifying, adding a brief explanation of runDisney, and splitting into at least two sentences, with some punctuation.✅
 * Its a Small World is wikilinked here, but not in the history section. Should be wikilinked on first occurrence.✅


 * That is the text reviewed. Most of the issues are fairly trivial. There are a number of long, extended sentences, which would benefit from the addition of some more punctuation. You might like to address this in due course, or get a copy editor to do so, although they will not result in the article failing its GA assessment. I will move on to checking the references next. Back soon. Bob1960evens (talk) 13:31, 16 June 2017 (UTC)

Lead

 * The lead should introduce and summarise the main points of the article. As such, it is a little short. I would expect three or four good sized paragraphs for an article of this length. The final paragraph at the moment is a single sentence, and should be merged with the previous paragraph. Perhaps something on Disney's inspiration for the line, expansion from the two original stations, disposal of the original cars, bio-fuel, and maybe the 2005 event for Johnston would be appropriate.✅

The formal bit

 * GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)


 * 1) It is reasonably well written.
 * a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
 * See comments above
 * 1) It is factually accurate and verifiable.
 * a (references): b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a (major aspects): b (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * Pass/Fail:


 * I have now completed the review. Overall, a well-written article, with just a few minor tweaks, largely to improve the grammar. It is a while since I have reviewed an article where there were no issues with the references, so well done on that front. I will put the article on hold. If there is anything that is not clear, do let me know. Bob1960evens (talk) 15:03, 16 June 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for taking the time to review this article! I will go through and address all of the points above within the next 24 hours.  Jackdude 101  ( Talk ) 11:59, 18 June 2017 (UTC)
 * All recommendations below the lead section have been implemented. THe lead section will be tackled next.  Jackdude 101  ( Talk ) 02:00, 19 June 2017 (UTC)
 * The lead section has been expanded. Let me know if this is sufficient.  Jackdude 101  ( Talk ) 04:30, 19 June 2017 (UTC)
 * Yes, the lead now serves its purpose of summarising the main points of the article. I agree that all of the issues raised have been addressed, and am pleased to be able to award the article GA status. Congratulations, and keep up the good work! Bob1960evens (talk) 09:49, 19 June 2017 (UTC)