Talk:Edgar Fernández/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Golden (talk · contribs) 18:37, 18 August 2023 (UTC)

Hello, I'll be reviewing this article. — Golden  talk 18:37, 18 August 2023 (UTC)

Lead

 * Wikilink "trade unionist" to Trade Union.
 * Check. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * from Santa Cruz - It is not clear from the sentence whether he is originally from Santa Cruz or if he resided there while serving as a party-list member.
 * I think the surrounding context makes it clear enough. It's style the same way many US representatives are (See: Barbara Lee, Brittany Pettersen, Anna Paulina Luna, etc.) Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Santa Cruz is linked for the second time in the second paragraph.
 * Linked to the city instead. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Throughout the article, you have used the names of departments instead of specific locations. I suggest using specific place names. For example, is it not known where in the Cochabamba Department he was born?
 * Linked to "Totora" instead. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * settled in the capital city - This could easily be misunderstood as the capital of Bolivia, which is not the case. I suggest rephrasing it to something like this: "..settled in Santa Cruz de la Sierra, the capital of Santa Cruz, where he.."
 * Rephrased. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * settled in the capital city's Plan 3,000 district - The inclusion of the district is unnecessary here since you don't mention anything else about it in the lead.
 * Its of some relevance as the central location of his career: "where he got his start"; "joined his local ..." Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * I would wikilink syndicate.
 * Done. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * align his sector - Is this referring to the taxi sector? It would be helpful to clarify that here.
 * Specified: "his sector's unions" Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * bore fruit in the form of -> resulted in
 * Fair. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * It would be useful to include information about how and when he became a member of the Movement for Socialism.
 * Added "since 2001". Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)

Early life and career

 * "himself" is unnecessary here.
 * Cut. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Simultaneously to that - "to that" is unnecessary.
 * Right. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Santa Cruz's Plan 3,000 -> "Santa Cruz's Plan 3,000 district"
 * Check. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)

Chamber of Deputies

 * in the department. -> "in Santa Cruz department."
 * Check. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)


 * only solidified - "only" is unnecessary.
 * Cut. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 22:45, 24 August 2023 (UTC)

General comments

 * Earwig's detector does not show any copyright violations.
 * The only image in the article is relevant and free.
 * This is an engaging article about an interesting person. I look forward to seeing your revisions in response to my suggestions. — Golden  talk 10:13, 19 August 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the replies, . I'm happy to pass this article. — Golden  talk 08:11, 25 August 2023 (UTC)