Talk:Export-oriented employment/Archives/2014

Comment
I think that this is a well written article with a good neutral voice. The article is very informative on the subject and does a good job at educating the reader by including some very good sources. I think that this is a very good topic but it also might be a very broad topic. I think that by citing some specific examples helped this article and even some more would not be a bad idea. I think it would also be nice to see some specific country examples on their policies and just what those polices entail. I think that the Activism section was done really well and it was nice to be able to see what is being done about these factories in certain countries. An image would be nice to add to the article in order to add some illustration to the article and give it an inviting presence, but that may be difficult to capture export-oriented employment in one single image. Commodus Titus Antonius (talk) 01:58, 22 April 2014 (UTC)

I think you are correct in noting that this is a very broad topic, and it has made detailing certain sections very difficult. I also agree that examples of policies regarding specific countries would be helpful, and I will add them if I can find the time. I will also look to add an image. Thanks!CodyG123 (talk) 22:02, 26 April 2014 (UTC)

Comment
The article really needs to be linked to others as well as any relevant Wikiprojects etc., because that is what will attract people to your article. I linked the article to some possible relevant Wikiprojects. If those who work on those projects disagree, they'll take the links down, but they are likely relevant and will bring traffic to your page. Swaugaman (talk) 07:13, 22 April 2014 (UTC)

Thanks for your help! I will try to link the page to other projects as I think of them.CodyG123 (talk) 22:08, 26 April 2014 (UTC)

Feedback
You have improved the article from the earlier draft, but there are further improvements that are necessary: 1) You need to improve the writing for clarity, starting with the lead paragraph. Avoid passive voice. You can use "Standing argues..." etc. type of constructs (contrary to the peer comment made above), just do not overdo it. Drop the "Professor" from Pun Ngai. Start each paragraph with a clearly stated idea, which then you elaborate. 2) The history section paragraph (the labor dichotomy during colonialism idea) is unclear. Instead, I suggest relying on Elson and Pearson to describe the internationalization of production from the 1960s onwards, whereby manufacturing is relocated in developing countries (BTW, this term is better than "lesser developed"); initially developed country MNCs carried out production for export, but from the 1980s onward, at least in goods that have standardized production processes, such as apparel, textiles, shoes, MNCs have become buyers of export goods manufactured by other (local) suppliers, rather than organizing production themselves. After the 1980s, with trade liberalization and export promotion, export-oriented employment grows rapidly in developing countries... 3) Also, you need to reorganize parts of the article by theme (for example, on "wages" report on what your sources say (Dominguez, et al, Pun Ngai, Kabeer); on hours what do these authors say, etc. This way you can present systematically the differing viewpoints concerning wage levels, hours etc. in export-oriented employment. BTW, the first paragraph under "Control" belongs to the Safety section. 4) Wiki writing style is NOT to state scholarship as facts; rather, it is very much a scholarly writing style (undergrad and grad student writing), without the essay/opinion layer ("I argue that..."I think..."On the other hand,"  "However," etc). So, you can write about women as the preferred labor force because you are reporting on an analysis of how women workers help factories achieve low unit labor costs. 5) You have quite a few news sources, but not as much scholarly sources, which I had flagged earlier. If possible (in the next two days), I suggest you read and incorporate Berik and Rodgers (2010) article that presents working conditions in export-oriented employment in Bangladesh and Cambodia. I'll send it via Canvas. 6) There are some awkward phrases (e.g. "proprietor"--use "employer" instead; get rid of the subsection title below "Women as preferred labor force" section.) 7) You need to add links. Good luck!BerikG (talk) 06:11, 27 April 2014 (UTC)