Talk:Florence (video game)/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Argento Surfer (talk · contribs) 14:00, 13 April 2018 (UTC)

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria It may take a day or two for me to complete the review. You do NOT need to wait until the review is complete to start responding to my comments. If you disagree with any of my suggestions, please feel free to discuss the issue. Once complete, I will be claiming this review for points in the 2018 Wikicup. Argento Surfer (talk) 14:00, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * 1) Is it well written?
 * A. The prose is clear and concise, and the spelling and grammar are correct:
 * Lead
 * Because "Mountains" isn't a descriptive name for the studio and there's no link, the opening sentence reads a little oddly at first glance. Could you add a brief descriptor to it? Something like "developed by the Austrailian studio Mountains" (per this source)?
 * please link cellist.
 * "dialogue, and tells " comma not needed
 * "as they progress " - suggest "as players progress "
 * "favorable reviews who praised " - should be "favorable reviews that praised" or "favorable reviews and was praised for"
 * Made all of these changes.  Nomader  ( talk ) 15:21, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * Gameplay
 * Florence's age is specified 3 times in the article (lead, gameplay, and plot). I think the one in this section could be removed.
 * Made the change, removed it from Gameplay.
 * "following the sound music to find " - there's a word missing here
 * Changed to "the sound of a cello" per the source as well.
 * "giving them back when he leaves" - I'm not sure what this means in context. Them refers to her things that she packed. Is she unpacking her own stuff, or giving Krish different things?
 * Giving Krish back his things. Changed wording to reflect that.
 * Plot
 * "sees Krish" - I think meets would be a better verb here.
 * So weird thing here-- it's actually "sees", not "meets" (see the part of it on YouTube here: ). She sees him at a park and basically fantasizes back at home about him-- and then they actually meet in the next chapter. So I kept it, but feel free to ping if you think it should really definitely be changed.
 * Development
 * "as accessible as possible to more people" - awkward phrasing. I think it should be "as possible" or "to more people", but not both.
 * Fixed.
 * "The team's goal was to create..." I'm not sure the quote works in this sentence. It sounds like the developers had no goals for the game. I recommend "create a game where players focus on exploring emotions instead of achieving goals."
 * Changed, like this edit a lot especially.
 * The last sentence of the third paragraph uses the word specifically twice. I suggest removing the first instance, but it could be reworded other ways as well.
 * Changed, like your wording here.
 * The sentences in the last paragraph are kind of choppy. Combining some of them would help a lot. I specifically suggest combining the first two ("The developers decided..." and "One of the main...") and the two about music substituting dialogue ("The team decided to..." and "The cello represents...")
 * Combined em.
 * "Mountains decided to use the musical themes after accidentally creating it..." it does not agree with themes
 * Edited for it.
 * This section uses the verb decided six times in four paragraphs. I suggest rewriting some sentences to avoid it or replacing it with synonyms like chose, picked, opted, settled on, selected. The last sentence uses the verb chose twice, and the same suggestions apply to it.
 * Made some word changes here per your suggestions.
 * Reception
 * I made this copy edit to the first couple sentences.
 * I don't require a full overhaul of the section to pass GA, but I suggest reading the tips for reception sections in this essay. It'll help alleviate some of the "Critic A said B" repetition.
 * Got it, thanks. I'll CE after this is done-- it's a bad habit of my writing.  Nomader  ( talk ) 16:25, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * I think it happens to everyone. I've been pointed to that essay in more than one FAC. Argento Surfer (talk) 16:33, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * B. It complies with the manual of style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation:
 * no concern
 * 1) Is it verifiable with no original research?
 * A. It contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline:
 * Most of the references contain a wikilink to the source, but some (1, 3, 9, 10, 15) don't. Was this intentional? I couldn't locate an article for App Trigger (ref 12). Is it worth a redlink?
 * Definitely isn't worth the redlink here-- it's not a target to be created. Only reason why it's being used in this article is as a primary source from the developer (it was an interview).  Nomader  ( talk ) 15:21, 13 April 2018 (UTC)


 * B. All in-line citations are from reliable sources, including those for direct quotations, statistics, published opinion, counter-intuitive or controversial statements that are challenged or likely to be challenged, and contentious material relating to living persons&mdash;science-based articles should follow the scientific citation guidelines:
 * no concern
 * C. It contains no original research:
 * no concern
 * D. It contains no copyright violations nor plagiarism:
 * no concern
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. It addresses the main aspects of the topic:
 * no concern
 * B. It stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style):
 * no concern
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * It represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each:
 * no concern
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * It does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute:
 * no concern
 * 1) Is it illustrated, if possible, by images?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
 * no concern
 * B. Images are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
 * no concern. I believe the caption for the screenshot is sufficient, but you might consider adding some alt text that describes the image more clearly.
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Pass pending some minor adjustments. Argento Surfer (talk) 16:01, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * Made some edits per your responses.
 * Thanks so much for the swift review. I've responded to your concerns above, let me know if you have further comments!  Nomader  ( talk ) 16:25, 13 April 2018 (UTC)
 * And thank you for the swift replies! Happy to pass this one.