Talk:Hadji Ali/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Crisco 1492 (talk · contribs) 08:59, 5 December 2011 (UTC)


 * Okay, you got me with that note. I'll take a look. Crisco 1492 (talk) 08:59, 5 December 2011 (UTC)

Comments

 * 1A
 * Overall
 * You tend to favour long sentences, which may disturb reader understanding. Many of the issues I bring up here will be related to this.
 * Many sentences have been broken up during the peer review rewrite.
 * This article is heavy on quotes. Paraphrasing some would be preferable, as many of them are still copyrighted.
 * There is only one long quote in the main text, which is now blockquoted.


 * Lead
 * "Hadji Ali (c. 1888[1][note 1] – November 5, 1937[2]), sometimes billed as "The Great Egyptian Miracle Man", "The Great Regurgitator", "The Egyptian Enigma", "The Human Aquarium", "The Human Volcano" and "The 9th Wonder of the Scientific World", was a vaudeville performance artist thought to be of Egyptian extraction, best known for a variety of feats of controlled regurgitation such as water spouting, nut and handkerchief swallowing followed by disgorgement in an order chosen by the audience and smoke swallowing." -- Could this be split? Perhaps something like "Hadji Ali (c. 1888[1][note 1] – November 5, 1937[2]), sometimes billed as "The Great Egyptian Miracle Man", "The Great Regurgitator", "The Egyptian Enigma", "The Human Aquarium", "The Human Volcano" and "The 9th Wonder of the Scientific World", was a vaudeville performance famous for his acts of regurgitation. Thought to be of Egyptian extraction, his best known feats included as water spouting, nut and handkerchief swallowing followed by disgorgement in an order chosen by the audience and smoke swallowing."
 * Done.
 * "Ali's most famous stunt, however, the highlight of his act, was drinking copious amounts of water followed by kerosene, and then acting by turns as a human flamethrower and extinguisher as the two liquids were expelled by him over a prop structure." -- I'd cut "however" through "act". Also, is it possible to make the fact that both came out of his mouth clearer? I was reading the lead and thought some of it went south.
 * "However" was removed during the peer review (which is almost fully addressed). The thing is, "regurgitation", which precedes the summary of tricks, pretty much forecloses um, "southward activity" (ha!)


 * "contemporary" -- This goes for the use later on. When I saw this I was thinking contemporary to Ali. As many of our readers aren't contemporary to the 1970s, perhaps another word or phrasing could be found?
 * Done. The ambiguity of the word has never been made so evident to me between your comments and similar at the peer review.


 * Not everyone knows what Johns Hopkins is; perhaps state that it's in the US
 * Done for its use in the body. I think it would be excessive detail for the lead, especially because it's linked.


 * Background
 * "Born in approximately 1888, according to his daughter, Almina Ali, her father became aware he had an unusual gastric ability at seven years of age,[note 2] when he inadvertently swallowed a fish and an ample volume of water while bathing in the Nile river." -- Flow is a little... hard to follow. Perhaps something like "According to his daughter Almina Ali, Hadji Ali was born in approximately 1888 and became aware he had an unusual gastric ability at seven years of age,[note 2] when he inadvertently swallowed a fish and an ample volume of water while bathing in the Nile river."
 * The whole section this appears in has been restructured.
 * "duodenal" -- Link to duodenum, preferably.
 * No longer in the article.
 * Perhaps a lead in to the quote in the second paragraph.
 * It's now a blockquote, following a lead in sentence and a colon.
 * "He has been described as a "large, barrel-chested and bearded man... [that cut] an imposing figure in his Arab costume." -- By whom?
 * It's from his entry in Vaudeville, old & new: an encyclopedia of variety performers in America. Attribution to this book would work better if I didn't already mention it in text at a later point. I think it would break up the flow placing it here and anyone can follow the reference.
 * "Once gaining some notoriety, he took on a manager, one Hubert Julian, a former colonel in the Abyssinian Air Force.[8]" -- Perhaps "He took one Hubert Julian, a former colonel in the Abyssinian Air Force, as his manager after gaining some notoriety.[8]"
 * The sentence has been tweaked. The gaining-some-notoriety part is the segue, so it feels like it needs to go up front.


 * Performance
 * Water spouting was followed by Ali downing a quantity of one kind of unshelled nut, approximately 30 to 50 hazelnuts was typical (though one of Ali's posters advertised 40 pecans), and then one solo nut of another variety was taken in, such as an almond. -- I think the hazelnuts thing should either be in brackets or line-dashes.
 * The section was rewritten.
 * Do you intend paragraph one and two to be together? We should keep the nuts with the nuts.

The first sentence of the second has been moved the the first. But the division here is that the first paragraph is about what the three swallowing tricks are, and the second is about how they it is thought they were achieved.
 * "Ali would also partake of such delicacies as live goldfish, watches, coins, costume jewelry, paper money, peach pits, stones, live mice, buttons, pool balls and other oddments.[16] Another standard performance segment was swallowing the smoke of multiple cigarettes—eight or more at a time—then to issue forth the smoke like an erupting volcano." -- Perhaps you should keep the list of stunts together, then follow it by suggestions of how he did it.
 * I don't have a one to one list of how he did it so I couldn't do this.
 * Third paragraph: Too many "thus"'s.
 * Done.
 * "Once the volatile was exhausted, ... " -- Is volatile able to be used as a noun? Perhaps another synonym for kerosene.
 * No longer in the article (section was rewritten). Volatile is, however, a noun.


 * Film appearances
 * Contemporary, as above
 * Done.
 * "By contrast with Palmer's negative description, in episode 30 of the Sundance Channel television program Iconoclasts, featuring renowned magician David Blaine and artist Chuck Close, Blaine enthusiastically spoke of Al" -- Close is not really pertinent to this sentence. Why not have him linked in the next one?
 * Section was rewritten and this is no longer an issue,


 * Death
 * "It was rumored that the Rockefeller Institute offered $10,000 to obtain Ali's stomach.[3] Even before his death the ghoulish rumor had circulated that the Rockefeller Institute sought to procure Ali's stomach upon his death, and would pay as much as $50,000 for it. This claim appeared in a poster advertising Ali's impending appearance at a theater during his lifetime." -- Perhaps finding a way to arrange this chronologically?
 * Also, who calls it ghoulish? Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:28, 7 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Was removed during peer review


 * 2b
 * Billings need references. Crisco 1492 (talk) 09:08, 5 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Done.


 * 3A
 * When was Politiquerias released?
 * Added.


 * Hold for one week. Crisco 1492 (talk) 10:07, 5 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Thanks much for the review. My time is constrained right now and between this and the peer review there is a lot to do. It may take me more than one week, but I am working on it.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 13:02, 7 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Okay, I'm basically done with responding to the concerns in the peer review and above. Please take a second look and thank you for the review. I wasn't expecting the GA and the peer review to happen at the same time, mostly because every GA I've submitted has taken more than 40 days before review.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 14:52, 18 December 2011 (UTC)

Status?
If improvements are imminent after the completed review, please place this GAN "on hold" rather than leaving it open. AstroCog (talk) 15:04, 13 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Sorry about that, could have sworn I had marked it as being on hold. Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 19 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Question
 * Is there evidence that this Hubert Julian was his manager? It is not mentioned in the Hubert Julian article, nor any of the references there. MathewTownsend (talk) 14:10, 17 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Good catch. I'm sure I had this cited in a prior version (or in an open screen when I was working offline) but it got lost somewhere. Added now. I made many changes per above and the peer review working offline, and then found your copyedit in place. Much obliged. I've folded in most of those changes.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 14:52, 18 December 2011 (UTC)
 * The changes look good. Passing. Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 19 December 2011 (UTC)