Talk:Halloween (Modern Family)/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Queenieacoustic (talk) 18:35, 29 April 2011 (UTC)

I'll review the article later today or tomorrow. Queenieacoustic (talk) 18:35, 29 April 2011 (UTC)

Sorry for taking so long! I'll comment on the Plot and Lead ssections tomorrow. Queenieacoustic (talk) 18:07, 2 May 2011 (UTC)

Lead

 * ✅ "Halloween" is the sixth episode of the second season of Modern Family. Write [...] the sixth episode of Modern Family's second season.
 * ✅ The episode originally aired October 27, 2010 on the American Broadcasting Company (ABC). Write: It originally aired on October 27, 2010 on the ABC network (link it to American Broadcasting Company).
 * ✅Cameron can't shake a traumatic childhood experience and hates the holiday, Mitchell has had a terrible day at work, and Gloria is acting weird after Jay and Manny teased her about her accent. Some tense and wording issues here. Write: Cameron can't shake a childhood trauma related to the holiday, Mitchell has a terrible day at work, and Gloria acts weird after Jay and Manny teases her about her accent.
 * ✅ [...] from critics with Donna Bowman...  Place a comma after "critics". Also, the sentence doesn't need a source, as it is mentioned in the article.
 * ✅ According to the Nielsen Media Research, the episode became the most viewed episode of the series and tied for the highest rated episode for the series in the 18-49 demographic. Remove "the" before "Nielsen...". "The episode" is used three times in the same sentence. Replace the first use with the episode's title. Write: ... and tied for the series' highest rated episode among adults between ages 18 and 49.
 * ✅ It later became the second highest rated show for the week and the highest rated scripted program of the week in the 18-49 demographic. You should probably drop the "later", replace "for" with "of", and put a comma after the first use of "week". Replace "and the highest rated scripted program of the week" with "as well as the week's highest rated scripted program".

Plot
While I appreciate that you haven't fallen into the usual pit-fall of over-explaining everything and including jokes that are irrelevant to the plot, this section seems to overall have too little detail. It's confusing to read and I encourage you to make some explanations based on the following tasks, though you can add more detail if it helps explain the story. Queenieacoustic (talk) 15:23, 3 May 2011 (UTC)


 * ✅ Why isn't the actor playing Gary mentioned?
 * I cannot find his name NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 23:13, 4 May 2011 (UTC)NoD'ohnuts
 * Me neither, I guess he's a one-time or very small character. Actor doesn't need mention. Queenieacoustic (talk) 08:11, 6 May 2011 (UTC)


 * ✅ [...] but soon fears that the same thing might happen to him and Claire Even though it might seem a bit redundant, I think you should mention that Claire is Phil's wife (for example, him and his wife Claire).
 * Phil soon assumes Claire's business with the haunted house is a sign she isn't loving him anymore. "Business" sounds a bit bland and doesn't actually say what she's doing; is she preparing the haunted house for the party? Queenieacoustic (talk) 08:11, 6 May 2011 (UTC)
 * He soon does the things Gary did wrong which fail. Poorly written, and you should probably explain what things Gary did wrong.
 * Still awkwardly written, and "which fail" seems redundant. Queenieacoustic (talk) 11:54, 4 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Done NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 00:12, 10 May 2011 (UTC)


 * ✅ Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) also gets excited learning that his [...] Replace "learning" with "when he learns".
 * ✅ Unfortunately he learns only two people wear costumes and they are called "tools" and "douches". Put a comma after "Unfortunately" and reword the sentence. For example: [...] he learns only "tools" and "douches" wear costumes.
 * ✅ He tries to get out of the costume, but is pulled into meeting after meeting not giving him the chance. Poorly worded. Write something like: [...] but he is pulled into several meetings and is not given the chance to take it off. (Don't write in italics, just wanted to point out what was changed.)
 * At the party [...] What party?
 * Now you've removed any mention of a party. Remember, I've never seen this episode, so I really don't know what is happening at this point.


 * After two failed attempts Attempts at what?
 * ✅ I think it's spelled "trick-or-treaters".


 * [...] Claire becomes furious and walks out of the haunted house Is the party in the haunted house?
 * ✅ Phil then asks her if she's tired of him. She then tells him that they're stuck together. Both sentences need more detail and explanation, and could probably made into one. What does she mean by "stuck together"?
 * Looks much better now, but change "Phil then asks her if she's tired of him with her responding..." to "Phil then asks her if she's tired of him, to which she responds..."


 * ✅ While they talk the rest of the family finishes the haunted house perfectly, to Claire and Phil's happiness. Again, I haven't seen the episode, but their "talk" sounds more like an argument. I could be wrong though, I assume you know since you've seen it. Regardless of the word, a comma needs to follow it.

Production

 * ✅"Halloween" was written by Jeffrey Richman, his first writing for the series since joining the writing at the beginning of the second season. The episode was also directed by Michael Spiller, his fourth directing credit for the series. While I appreciate you mentioned that this is Richman's first episode, I don't think it's important to know that this is Spiller's fourth directing credit. Also, the first sentence is slightly awkward, and needs to be reworded. You could probably fit both into one sentence. For example, you could write: "Halloween" was directed by Michael Spiller and was the first episode Jeffrey Richman wrote for the series since joining the writing staff at the beginning of the second season.
 * ✅"Halloween" aired on October 27, 2010 as the series' first Halloween episode to air for the series and the 30th episode overall of the series. Again, this sentence is slightly awkward and needs to be reworded. For example, you could write: "Halloween" aired on October 27, 2010 as the first Halloween-themed episode and the 30th episode overall for the series.
 * ✅The episode was filmed on October 6, 2010, and October 8, 2010. Are you sure these were the only days the episode was filmed? Judging by the sources, my impression is that parts of the episode were filmed those days, but I find it highly unlikely that the whole thing was done in two days.
 * I can only find those dates so I put between those dates, I hope that is ok NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 21:56, 3 May 2011 (UTC)NoD'ohnuts
 * Then you should write that parts of the episode were filmed on those days, since I don't think the entire episode was filmed just between those days. Queenieacoustic (talk) 08:39, 6 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Should probably have been clearer on this: I mean literary write "Parts of the episode were" etc. Queenieacoustic (talk) 15:35, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * ✅The idea of an episode about Halloween was originally thought out by cast member, Eric Stonestreet which was later accepted by the producers. This sentence is awkwardly worded and needs to be rewritten. For example, you could write: The idea for the episode was pitched by cast member Eric Stonestreet. Stonestreet suggested that there should be a Modern Family episode about Halloween, and the series' producers liked the idea so muchthat they produced "Halloween".
 * ✅Many of the cast members costumes were revealed on the first day of filming through "Twitter" by script coordinator, Clint McCray. The sentence needs to be slightly reworded, and the comma seems unnecessary. You can change it to: Many of the cast members costumes were revealed on the first day of filming by script coordinator Clint McCray through "Twitter".

Reception

 * ✅[...]received a Nielsen rating of 7.8 rating/12% share meaning that[...] Put a comma after "share".
 * ✅5.1 rating/14% share among adults between the ages of 18 and 49 Remove "the" and "of".
 * ✅The episode marked a nine percent rise from the previous episode, "Unplugged" becoming the most viewed episode of the series in total viewers and also became the highest rated episode in the 18-49 demographic tying with "The Old Wagon". (1) Put a comma after "Unplugged" and "demographic". (2) Replace "and also became" with "as well as", and (3), is the "nine percent rise" in the 18-49 demographic or total viewers?
 * Donna Bowman positively compared "Halloween" to the highly praised episode, "Fizbo" saying " “Halloween” reminded me very much of season one’s “Fizbo,” especially in the chaotic climax where everyone contributes their particular insecurity or neurosis." Three problems here. ✅(1) It's unnecessary to point out that Bowman "positively" compares the episodes since the sentence later mentions that "Fizbo" is highly praised, ✅(2), you need to point out that Bowman is writing for The A.V. Club, and ✅ (3), put the comma after the first mention of "Fizbo" instead of before it. Also, remember that quotations (") inside quotations should be written with a single quotation mark ('), for example: Johnny said "'Halloween' is the best episode I've ever seen!"
 * ✅He named Gloria's storyline as his favorite,[...] Remove the "as(s)".
 * ✅Joel Keller of TV Squad praised the development of Claire. He felt that Claire losing it helped "soften her character". You could probably turn this into one sentence. "Losing it" should be in quotations. For example, you could write: Joel Keller of TV Squad praised the development of Claire, and felt that her "losing it" helped "soften her character."
 * Joye Eng of TV Guide named Gloria's storyline the best moment of the week the episode premiered. She named Gloria's "reaction shot when he inevitably unwraps a package of tiny Jesus figurines." and "Sofia Vergara's version of a typical American accent." the most "fun". Kara Klenc of TV Guide called it a "great episode". TV Guide later named it the eleventh best television episode of 2010. Three problems here. ✅(1) Instead of writing Tv Guide three times, you could probably use "the website" and such. Also, TV Guide only needs to be wiki-linked once. (2) They seem to be in disorder. Instead of placing them in order of which time the episode was reviewed, you have placed it in the order of week, day and year. I think you know which order they should be in. ✅ (3) In She named Gloria's "reaction shot when he inevitably unwraps a package of tiny Jesus figurines." and "Sofia Vergara's version of a typical American accent." the most "fun"., drop the first two punctuations.
 * U din't understand #2 NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 22:00, 3 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Could you explain why you put in that order then? Queenieacoustic (talk) 12:01, 4 May 2011(UTC)
 * Sorry typo I don't understand #2 NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 23:12, 4 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Nevermind, seems like they are placed in order of at which time were reviewed. Sorry for the inconvenience!
 * Also I believe I did #3 unless I'm missing something NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 23:20, 4 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Yup.


 * ✅The A.V. Club later named it along with "Fifteen Percent" and "Truth Be Told" the best 2010 episodes of Modern Family. Put a comma after "named it" and "Truth Be Told".
 * ✅Other critics weren't as positive. Michael Slezak gave the episode a negative review. "Other critics" seems a tad unnecessary, seeing that there is only one negative review. Also, you need to point out which website or magazine Slezak is writing for. For example, you could write: On the other hand, Michael Slezak of [name] gave the episode a negative review.
 * ✅"The unimaginatively titled "Halloween" was probably the least hilarious installment to date of Modern Family's second season". Add "He wrote:" to the beginning of the sentence.
 * I already did that NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 22:00, 3 May 2011 (UTC)
 * You forgot the colon . Queenieacoustic (talk) 12:02, 4 May 2011 (UTC)


 * ✅He also criticized the ending to Cameron's story saying "while [...] Add a comma after "story".

Comment Lightmouse (talk) 19:00, 9 May 2011 (UTC)
 * It says "2010" with a link. Link to a solitary year articles are excessive
 * I don't quite understand your comment NoD&#39;ohnuts (talk) 21:08, 11 May 2011 (UTC)
 * It has a link to the year 2010. I don't know why. Have you considered removing it? Lightmouse (talk) 09:52, 14 May 2011 (UTC)

In Conclusion
It's been seven days and I'm now allowed to give this article my verdict. And... I'm actually not too sure. While the rest of the article looks great, and is certainly GA material, I feel that the Plot section is still not up to snuff. I think it's a bit too fragmented to pass, but since I haven't reviewed that many articles, I don't know how other reviewers feel about the section. I'll put the article up for a Second Opinion, so that another reviewer can have a look at it. Queenieacoustic (talk) 12:43, 12 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Just looking over the plot section, I still noticed a lot of grammatical mistakes despite the review being on hold for seven days. I might suggest failing the article and renominating it after it gets a copy edit. While I appreciate the nominator's contributions, many of his articles have similar grammatical/prose issues. I might suggest in the future having another user (not necessarily from the Copy Editor's Guild) having a look before beginning the GA process. The amount of simple corrections Queenieacoustic had to suggest above could easily have been fixed in advance by this second look. Also, having seen this particular episode, the plot leaves some major points out (like what happens to Mitchell at work; I don't think your description covers the whole storyline). Hope this helps,  R uby2010   comment!  00:56, 13 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Failing the article per Ruby2010's suggestion. Queenieacoustic (talk) 20:51, 13 May 2011 (UTC)


 * I just noticed that there are no images in the article. Until the second reviewer comes along, you could always add an image of, for example, Eric Stonestreet in the Production section, since he was vital for the episode's fruition. Queenieacoustic (talk) 12:46, 12 May 2011 (UTC)
 * I second the need for a screenshot (I bet the nominator could find a good one on the Halloween haunted house, or on Mitchell's costume at work, just to name a few).  R uby2010   comment!  00:57, 13 May 2011 (UTC)