Talk:Homesick (A Day to Remember album)/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Moswento (talk · contribs) 08:40, 16 September 2013 (UTC)


 * Hello there! I'll give this one a look in the next few days. Review will magically appear below soon. Moswento talky 08:40, 16 September 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for taking this one! Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 13:36, 16 September 2013 (UTC)

Initial comments

 * Before I do my detailed review, I think there are two broad issues that need to be addressed first to save time later on. Once these have been addressed, I'll do a more detailed review, which I'm certain will have a positive outcome. This is overall a very nice well-research article. Even though I hate metalcore. Moswento talky 08:07, 18 September 2013 (UTC)


 * Quotations
 * I like the fact that you include quotations from interviews in this article, as I really think it adds interest and depth. However, at points your quotations seem a bit excessive; some could very easily be paraphrased without losing any meaning. Frequent quotations can make the article harder to read and less clear. Rather than me going through them one-by-one, it's probably best for you to rework as you feel appropriate initially. As an example, I wouldn't use direct quotes for the "nothing that was finished", as Jeremy McKinnon said in an interview with Altpress." or "had to structure the songs and stuff like that" or "us when it came to making our songs flow in terms of structure and stuff." Equally, quotes like "wanted to make sure it was heavier and poppier at the same time" are really great, and should definitely stay in.


 * Detail
 * There were times in reading this that I felt there was too much detail. The background to "The Downfall of Us All" would be one example. Some of the release announcements would be another example. We don't need to know every date. Why, for example, is it important that "On March 5, 2010 the band announced via their Twitter account that the video was set for release, with a date of March 16. This was further confirmed on March 10"?
 * ✅ I think. The many release dates were added mainly so I could keep some form of chronology when expanding the article, I've removed some now. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 19:10, 23 September 2013 (UTC)
 * OK thanks, I'll have a look later and post "Phase 2" of my review below soon... Moswento talky 08:46, 24 September 2013 (UTC)
 * So, what's happening here? Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 11:57, 29 September 2013 (UTC)
 * Sorry for the delay here, got distracted by other things last week and then was busy over the weekend. This is on my list for lunchtime today. Thanks for your patience, Moswento talky 07:40, 30 September 2013 (UTC)

Phase 2
The second half of this review will come tomorrow, because I have quite a few comments. Moswento talky 13:16, 30 September 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for addressing these comments. I've added further comments below, although I still haven't tackled the lead, or had a look at your changes. Take care, Moswento talky 14:06, 1 October 2013 (UTC)


 * Background
 * Optionally, you could rename this section "Background and composition"
 * "A Day to Remember were pressed for a new album by their record label, Victory, in 2008;" - it would be worth clarifying that it was early 2008
 * "The album's material" - need to clarify that you're now talking about Homesick
 * "had been written" - no need for the "had been" here, "was" is fine. Likewise later in this section.
 * "were on Warped Tour and on tour with producer Chad Gilbert of New Found Glory. The songs had been finished while the band were on the Easycore Tour" - are these 3 separate tours? Some idea of chronology would be helpful here too
 * "The band's songs were structured thanks to the help of Gilbert" - "thanks to" is a bit informal here. "Gilbert helped to structure the band's songs [and also assisted with composing "a few really catchy parts"]" would be fine
 * "The album's lyrics were similar" - "are" rather than "were"?
 * ""which is to keep it as personal" - the "which is" doesn't follow on from the first half of the sentence. Instead, e.g., "The album's lyrics are similar to their previous efforts, with the band aiming to "keep it as personal and open at the same time"..."
 * You need to explain who McKinnon is when you first mention him
 * ""heavier and poppier at the same time" while at the same time" - remove the repetition of "at the same time". No need to replace with anything else
 * "McKinnon said that by having Andrew Wade..." - would this fit better in the Recording section?
 * "said that by having...was a way" - this sentence is currently a bit awkward. The grammar doesn't quite work here. Maybe paraphrasing rather than direct quoting would be preferable?
 * "Wade also recorded the band's demos" - wondering if this could go to the Recording section too?
 * ✅ all above. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 16:47, 30 September 2013 (UTC)


 * Music and lyrics
 * In the early hours of one morning, McKinnon was driving to his mom's house in Ocala, Florida when the chorus guitar riff to " - Excessive detail here. If you only cut one thing, cut the location of his mom's house
 * " he got an acoustic " - "an acoustic guitar"
 * "the album closer," - "closer" is a bit informal. E.g. "last track on the album" would be preferable
 * "He went on to say" - this is a bit of a cumbersome way of saying this. Why not e.g. "McKinnon described the closing track "If It Means a Lot to You" as a "great way to end" the album, describing it as one of their "biggest songs"?
 * ✅ all above. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 16:59, 30 September 2013 (UTC)


 * Recording
 * "after were finished touring with nfg [New Found Flory]. So Oct & Nov." As this interview disobeys the rules of grammar, I would go with a paraphrase here, rather than any direct quote. Plus "Glory", not "Flory"!!
 * "He classed the new styles of songs as "celine Deon [mixed] with on broken wings"" - In the interview, this reads to me as being slightly tongue-in-cheek, so I would cut
 * "so with video conferencing" - "but with video conferencing"
 * " on the band's MySpace" - "MySpace page"
 * "The webisodes came about, as guitarist Neil Westfall states:" - the quote doesn't really explain how the webisodes "came about"
 * "A Day to Remember released Old Record" - you should explain that this is a remastered version of their debut album
 * "from the 12th." - is this important?
 * "West West Side Studios" - is this correct, or a typo?
 * It's correct. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 17:22, 30 September 2013 (UTC)


 * "A track was written for Homesick," - "One of the tracks written for Homesick..."
 * "overdub any vocals over:" - repetition of "over" is a bit awkward. Plus, the quote is needlessly long, given that you've already told us of his difficulties
 * ✅ all above. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 17:22, 30 September 2013 (UTC)


 * Release
 * (Optional) Would 'Release and promotion' be a better title? I've seen that work well for other music articles
 * 'Album and singles release and change to band line-up' - This is an unwieldy subheading. "Initial releases and line-up changes" is the alternative that comes to mind, you might think of something better
 * "In January 2009, the track list of the album was revealed,[39] on the 6th" - "On January 6 2009, the track list..." would be much clearer
 * "with pre-orders being taken the next day." - I don't think that we need to know this
 * "was put on the band's Myspace profile." - the repetition of this phrase is a bit awkward. Perhaps join with the previous sentence: "In mid-January, the song "Welcome to the Family" was put on the band's Myspace profile, with "The Downfall of Us All" being added on 26 January"?
 * "was meant to interpret different paths in a person's life, who one road can change your life." - this needs copyediting.
 * "in an episode of Victory's VicTorV" - I have no idea what this is, and a lot of other readers might not either
 * "It was included as a DVD trailer" - Does this mean that they added it to their MySpace profile as a DVD trailer?
 * "as mentioned by Westfall in an interview with Alter the Press!" - you don't need to mention the source if you have a footnote
 * "In the same interview, Westfall said the band's following music video might be for "Have Faith in Me" - This seems to be unnecessary detail. I would just cut.
 * "announced to be a single" - "announced as a single" would be better
 * "Around December" - "In December"?
 * "In an interview in the same month with Alter the Press!, Skaff said the next video that was being worked on was for "Have Faith in Me", which Westfall said would be filmed late-March." - It's confusing to have this sentence here when the following sentences go back to talking about the Wax Song. TBH, I would just cut this sentence as unnecessary detail
 * You don't need to repeat the name of The Wax Song every time here.
 * "came about based on" - "was based on"
 * "Westfall said that because " - The grammar here doesn't quite work. "Westfall said that they had chosen this song as the band's next music video because..." ?
 * "but this time for MTV," - there's not really a need for the "but this time"
 * "which was posted" - posted online?
 * "the band said that were asking fans to name their next tour," - "the band asked fans to name their next tour"
 * ✅ all above. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 16:54, 2 October 2013 (UTC)


 * Further releases
 * "Another vinyl reissue was announced a week prior,[93] for release on August 6, 2013." - A week prior to what? Also, if this has now been released, the article should say so.
 * ✅ Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 17:06, 2 October 2013 (UTC)


 * Reception
 * One problem with this section overall is that it doesn't have any kind of structure. You quote a selection of critics one after the other in no apparent order. This distorts the negative reviews (Monger, Hanson) and can almost make them appear positive. You also don't convey common threads in reviews that would be helpful to the reader to get an overall impression, i.e. the feeling that the record is a bit repetitive
 * ✅ I think. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 19:32, 6 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "which enlightens the "limitations of the genre"" - "enlightens" doesn't make sense here. "Shows" would work
 * "Monger called the backing vocals "exciting at first" that would get lost "into the waves of distortion mid-album", becoming an "audio equivalent of an energy drink crash"" - the "that would get lost" doesn't quite follow on from the beginning of the sentence.
 * "was difficult to detach from the preceding tracks, as they were "deafening, ultimately forgettable, over-compressed slabs of twentysomething angst"" - "difficult to detach" doesn't make sense here. The reviewer's point is that the final song is something a bit different, but not enough to make it stand out from the forgettable slab of angst that forms the album.
 * "Naming "The Downfall of Us All", "Welcome to the Family"..." - This is currently an incomplete sentence. For it to make sense, you could rephrase, e.g. to "He named "The Downfall of Us All...as examples of the band showing off their "wide range of talent while producing a harmonious album" that the band's fans "will instantly fall in love with""
 * "reviewer Elliot said the album had an "undeniable quality of [...] melodic competence"" - This is not quite accurate. He actually says that the album's "undeniable quality" is "melodic competence". The current wording doesn't convey the fact that he sees a number of potential negatives with the album
 * "With the a capella intro" - this is an incomplete sentence
 * ✅ all above, bar first issue. Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 17:06, 2 October 2013 (UTC)

Lead
Thanks for addressing these comments. Sorry again for the delay - been busy, then away, then sick. Anyway, all your changes seemed fine, I just tidied up a few minor things. I hadn't looked at the lead before, but have a few comments, and then we'll be good to finish this at last. Thanks for your patience. Moswento talky 13:07, 15 October 2013 (UTC)
 * "and was released in February 2009" - I don't think you need the "and" here
 * "but remains" - I think this would need to be "but remaining"
 * "selling 22,000 copies in the first week, and charting " - currently this sentence isn't a proper sentence. Easiest solution, change this to "the album sold 22,000 copies in the first week and charted..."
 * " Tom Denney on guitar; who was replaced" - the semi-colon and the "who" don't work here. "guitarist Tom Denney, who was replaced..." would work, though
 * "only the latter of which charted" - I would start a new sentence here. "Only the last of these charted..."
 * ✅ Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 21:24, 15 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for that. I am now delighted to promote this to GA status. Good work! Moswento talky 12:59, 17 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the review! Best, yeepsi (Talk tonight) 13:08, 17 October 2013 (UTC)