Talk:Initiations (Star Trek: Voyager)/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 10:53, 7 March 2014 (UTC)

Comments A few issues to resolve, so I'll put it on hold for a week. The Rambling Man (talk) 15:33, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * Would prefer " is the second episode of the second season, and eighteenth episode overall"
 * Any reason Chakotay isn't linked in the lead?
 * Similarly Kazon, the first time around at least?
 * "from the pilot" link suitably.
 * Who are Taylor and Piller? Perhaps say "from screenwriters Taylor ...."?
 * "(63–70%) " not sure what this means, nor is it mentioned anywhere else in the article.
 * "the infamous shooting location" why infamous? And again, "infamous" isn't noted anywhere else in the article beside the lead.
 * Do we put association affiliations after people's names in episode info boxes? Looks very odd.
 * Plot is unreferenced, and I believe that to be commonplace, all besides the star date, why is that picked out?
 * "Kazon-Ogla" should be "Kazon–Ogla".
 * "he's attacked" avoid contractions, so "he is attacked"
 * "Chakotay beams the young Kar aboard" followed by "Captured by a Kazon vessel, Chakotay..." pretty quick turn around of events here.
 * "that he is scheduled for execution" who is? It's unclear with the preceding text.
 * "to the planet's surface to rescue Chakotay. On the moon" planet or moon?
 * "didn't care " again, avoid contractions.
 * "it should've" should have.
 * In the lead "street gang" was linked, in the body, just "gang" of street gang is linked. Be consistent.
 * "he was simply given the part because of his " -> "he was given the part simply because of his"
 * "couldn't find" could not.
 * No need to link acting coach, particularly as we don't have an article (nor should we probably, more of a dictionary definition).
 * "would fondly recall " why not just "fondly recalled"
 * "crew who'd " who had.
 * "to goof around" is not encyclopaedic unless you're quoting it, in which case it needs to be in quote marks.
 * "would call", "would praise"... why not "called", "praised"?
 * "Robert Beltran (Chakotay) said " you've already introduced both him and his character name before, stick to surnames only.
 * "would call the" -> "called the".
 * Ref 9, no need for the SHOUTING.
 * I'll go line-by-line if you don't mind.
 * Is there any reason you'd prefer it that way? I used the current format on "Tuvix" and received no similar feedback.  Just curious.
 * I happen to think the prose flows better without swiftly launching into parenthesised text. The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * The lede was written in piecemeal, so that's why Chakotay and Kazon weren't linked in the first paragraph.
 * linked "the pilot" to Caretaker (Star Trek: Voyager)
 * elaborated on the identities of Taylor and Pillar in the lede
 * 63–70% is derived from the ratings in the reception section. 2.5/4 stars – 7/10 rating.  I used the same tact on "Tuvix".
 * Close to synthesis, not really helpful given the very small sample of scores, I'd avoid this altogether. The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * I simply removed "infamous".
 * I don't know if there's an SOP for it or not. Again, I employed it at "Tuvix" and didn't receive any pushback on it.
 * I know if we're writing biographies we may list their honours, e.g. knighthoods, congressional medals of honour, etc, but this just means the individual is a member of a society, many of us could claim that, surely? The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * If I remember correctly, the stardate wasn't discussed in the episode, but instead comes from that source. Being Star Trek, I like giving the stardate because it's so tied into the public mythos and image of the franchise.
 * Should it be? I know to use n-dashes with ranges of numbers, but every source I looked up only hyphenated it.
 * Maybe not, I'm overkeen. I looked at the Austria-Hungarian Empire and discovered a hyphen...!  The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * contractions expanded
 * It really was, in the episode. He beams over the young man, and then is almost immediately found and captured by the larger mothership.  Without being superfluously wordy, I don't know what to change.
 * Maybe just a linking sentence, like "Almost immediately he is found and ...."? The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * clarified with "the young Kazon"
 * Good catch, it's a moon.
 * didn't and should've expanded
 * linked street gang
 * reworded
 * couldn't expanded
 * unlinked acting coach
 * just a verbose turn of phrase I lean on; I changed it
 * who'd expanded
 * No, it's not a quote, but I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase it. Do you have any suggestions?
 * What does the source say? The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * made concise
 * Is that a once-per-article rule? I duplicate such parentheticals when I feel it's been a while and the reader may've forgotten.
 * It tends to be once per article, but yes, I've also seen people re-using links when it's been a while. Not a big deal.  The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * called
 * For accuracy, I always copy titles and such exactly. Should that be "Taylor, J. MSS" or "Taylor, J. Mss" and is there an SOP for that?
 * Exactly isn't strictly required, and capitals for shouting is one thing we can improve, in this case I'd say it's the latter. The Rambling Man (talk) 16:18, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * I'm happy you took a look over this article for me, and please get back to me with any further corrections or questions! —   fourthords  &#124; =Λ= &#124;  16:05, 7 March 2014 (UTC)


 * Thanks for the quick response. I note a few of your answers relate to things not being picked up or not being mentioned in a previous GAN of yours.  I'm afraid I tend to review things as a blank page (in my mind) so all comments come from there.  If I can find SOPs for you, I'll let you know, otherwise in general most review comments come from my experiences at FAC and FLC.  I'll respond to your comments in-line shortly.  The Rambling Man (talk) 16:09, 7 March 2014 (UTC)
 * Following up.
 * I copied and pasted your phrasing into the article.
 * I removed the parentage ranking from the lede.
 * I removed the association letters from the info box.
 * I tweaked the wording in the second paragraph of the plot.
 * The source actually says to "just goofing around the whole time."
 * I used the capitalization you suggested for the capitalized citation.
 * It turns out I reused a citation when I actually should have inserted a new one from the same source, so I made that adjustment, too. Do you have any other suggestions or concerns?  —   fourthords  &#124; =Λ= &#124;  22:59, 10 March 2014 (UTC)