Talk:Ivan Jones (Emmerdale)/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Glimmer721 (talk · contribs) 19:41, 9 June 2012 (UTC)

Will review soon. Glimmer721 talk  19:41, 9 June 2012 (UTC)

Comments:
 * "The character is a Geordie and the actor had to put the accent on." → "The character is a Geordie, which required the actor to adopt the accent."
 * "Brocklebank has praised his storyline and spoke of his hopes that it would remove the social stigma attached to bisexuality." Change to bolded word.
 * "She lies that Ivan has been having an affair with her; ruining his relationship with Paul." Comma, not semicolon
 * "The character caused controversy when 126 viewers complained to television watch dog Ofcom; about Ivan and Paul's intimacy." No semicolon or other punctuation mark there.
 * "Although, he also had letters from young lesbian and gay people who claimed that Ivan gave them the courage to be themselves." Although → However
 * Lead: linke camp
 * "One such moment is a flirtation with Jasmine Thomas (Jenna-Louise Coleman); as they bond over her liking of the Brontë novels Wuthering Heights and Shirley." Either replace the semicolon with a common, or remove "as".
 * "Although the actor did think it was "great" to be given "such a meaty storyline"." → "However, the actor did think it was "great" to be given "such a meaty storyline"."
 * Link monogamist
 * "Though Paul attempts to come to terms with the situation and attempts to dump him." Sentence fragment; I would just remove "Though", which is making it a subordinate clause. Also, "attempts" is used twice in the sentence.
 * "Ivan later has to decide if he is ready for a gay relationship; while Paul weighs up the risks of getting hurt by Ivan." Semicolon should be a comma.
 * "When Paul is set upon by a group of homophobic men..." "Set upon" is kind of ambiguous. Something more specific would be "attacked" or "tormented", depending on what happened. Also, consider linking homophobic.
 * "Paul then invites Ivan out for dinner with his father, but he is not ready to come out." I assume the "he" refers to Ivan, but as Paul is the subject of the sentence the "he" is ambiguous. Also, I would link come out.
 * "Brocklebank explained the dynamic between the two characters, Paul finds it "extremely difficult" to be in a secretive relationship because he wants different things in a relationship." The comma would work better as a colon.
 * Link drag
 * "Brocklebank said that Ivan feels "upset and betrayed"; and..." No semicolon needed
 * "Ivan arrives in the village working as a binman for "King & Sons"; just after he has separated from his wife." No semicolon
 * "However, when Nicola arranges a meal that they both attend; they get drunk and flirt." Semicolon should be a comma. Also, is "they" refering to Paul and Ivan, or Ivan and Nicola (or all three)?
 * "When Paul does his drag queen act, Thelma Louise in the Woolpack,..." → "When Paul does his drag queen act "Thelma Louise" at the Wolpack,..." (Is there a link for "Wolpack"?)
 * "Rodney thinks that Ivan and Paul should get back together and at a seventies themes night and lets the whole pub know." → "Rodney thinks that Ivan and Paul should get back together and lets the whole pub know at a seventies-themed night." (Is the fact that it's a seventies-themed night really relevant?)

Putting on hold for 7 days while issues are addressed. They are pretty minor; the article is pretty impressive. Glimmer721 talk  17:05, 11 June 2012 (UTC)
 * I have addressed each point made in the review. I have linked each word suggested. I removed the reference to a seventies-themed night taking place at the time. I am not sure why I used a semicolon so frequently. That will be one to watch out for from now on. Rain  the 1  23:35, 13 June 2012 (UTC)
 * Passing now. A general tip is to make sure whatever comes after the semicolon can stand on its own as a sentence. Glimmer721  talk  00:54, 14 June 2012 (UTC)