Talk:James H. McBirney

Original lead
James Hugh McBirney (1870-1944) was born in County Tipperary, Ireland and emigrated to the United States with his family when he was about five years old. The family settled in southern Kansas, where his father, Hugh McBirney, served as a Methodist minister. James grew up in Kansas and moved to Oklahoma Territory in time to participate in an 1883 land run, but failed to win the plot of his choice. Armed with only a public school education, he entered the banking business. In 1897, he was offered a job in the newly organized Bank of Tulsa, rising to  the position of Vice President. He organized his own Bank of Commerce in Tulsa in 1904, which he renamed in 1911 as the National Bank of Commerce.

Revised lead
James Hugh McBirney (1870-1944) an immigrant from County Tipperary, came to the [[Indian territory in 1893. Armed with only a public school education, he entered the banking business. In 1897, he obtained a job in the newly organized Bank of Tulsa, rising to the position of Vice President. He organized a rival Bank of Commerce in Tulsa in 1904, which he renamed in 1911 as the National Bank of Commerce.

Action needed
If the revised lead satisfies the intent of the rewrite message, please replace the Original lead with the Revised version on the main page and remove the banner. If not, please contact me. Bruin2 (talk) 02:31, 5 December 2016 (UTC)