Talk:Jaysuma Saidy Ndure/GA1

GA Review
This review is transcluded from Talk:Jaysuma Saidy Ndure/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Lead
"Jaysuma Saidy Ndure (born 1 January 1984 in Bakau) is a Gambian-Norwegian sprinter. Having changed nationality from the Gambia to Norway in 2006, he holds both the Gambian and Norwegian records in both the 100 and 200 metres, and is the seventh and fourth fastest European of all times on the two distances."

OK, problems: first off, it might be better to say "Jaysuma Saidy Ndure (born 1 January 1984 in Bakau) is a Gambian-born sprinter who changed his nationality to Norway."

Secondly, saying "Having changed nationality from the Gambia to Norway in 2006" is not really grammatical."

Third, "and is the seventh and fourth fastest European of all times on the two distances" does not sound very good either. Also, which distances are you referring to with "seventh" and "fourth"? And saying he is X fastest...does that mean he has the X fastest time ever?

Finally, this lead is way too short. It needs to be a summary of the main article. So, there needs to be at the very least two, or maybe even three paragraphs.

Early and personal life
"Saidy was born and raised by his mother in Bakau. "

Bakau, where?

Also, you say that, and then skip to when he was 17. Is there nothing notable in between?

"In June 2001 he ran the 200 metres in 21.27 seconds in a competition known as the West African Championships in Lagos, winning the event. Moreover, the result was a new Gambian record time."

"Moreover" is not really a good conjunction to use. Try to reword something like this: "In June of 2001, he ran in the West African Championships in Lagos, and won the 200 metres in a time of 21.27 seconds, which set a new Gambian record."

"Still, he would rather play basketball and volleyball for fun with his schoolmates."

Is this really necessary?

"In 2002 Saidy moved to Oslo in the Northern European country of Norway, joining his father who had lived in this country since the 1970s. Also, cousins and other relatives lived in the vicinity."

Comma needed after "2002" and "father". And is the second sentence necessary?

Also, this is the first time you mention his father. What happened to him and his mother? Why were they apart?

"Searching for a leisure activity, Saidy decided to take up athletics again and joined one of the athletics clubs in the Norwegian capital, IL i BUL, whose training sessions were held on the internationally known Bislett stadion."

Should be "in", not "on".

"Saidy currently lives in Blystadlia outside of Oslo, together with former 400 m hurdler Heidi Trollsås from Sandefjord."

What does "together with former 400 m hurdler Heidi Trollsås" mean? Like, in a relationship? It could mean that?

"Trollsås also functioned as his manager until 2008, when they hired noted Swedish athletics manager Daniel Westfeldt. Shortly thereafter he signed a lucrative five-year contract with Nike."

Try "until" instead of "when". Also, saying "he signed..." is unclear pronoun reference. Who signed the contract?

Now, in general, there are broadness concerns here. The early life is too skimpy, and the personal life is just two sentences. Both parts need to be expanded, and the personal life should be split from his early life (they're not really related).

More Comments Coming, but these concerns need to addressed first before I go on to review the rest of the article. Noble Story (talk • contributions)

First round of replies
To sum up, I first of all appreciate the copyedit as I am not a native English speaker. However, I do not agree unequivocally on the concerns about broadness; see "general" section below.

Lead

 * Agree, will thoroughly rewrite and expand the lead.

Early and personal life

 * Addressed the comment Bakau, where?.
 * Haven't found anything notable in childhood. What kinds of notable things do children do?
 * Addressed complaint about West African Championships.
 * I'd reckon it's interesting that a newly-created national record holder and future world-level competitor did not have athletics as a primary interest as late as the age of 17.
 * Rewrote some. I haven't found any sources which go into detail about the relationship between his father and mother. Will search some more, but news media should perhaps not be expected to write about this.
 * Changed to "in".
 * Rewrote to reflect relationship.
 * Don't understand comment "until" instead of "when". Until is already used once in the sentence. Rewrote, anyway.
 * Fixed pronoun reference.

General
Punkmorten (talk) 10:10, 6 June 2008 (UTC)
 * As for the broadness concerns, I'd like to remind that this is not a featured article candidate. From WP:GACR: It is broad in its coverage: (a) it addresses the main aspects of the topic (...) note: This requirement is significantly weaker than the "comprehensiveness" required by WP:FAC; it allows shorter articles, articles that do not necessarily outline every part of the topic, and broad overviews of large topics. I do not see how the coverage scope of this article fails the above criterion?
 * As for the notion of early and personal life being unconnected, I'd say that someone's early life is personal by definition, i.e. not professional. The professional part, being the other main segment of someone's life, is covered in another section. Counter-arguments are anticipated.
 * The main concern at this point, really, would be the lead.

2002 to 2003
"In 2002, the year Saidy came to Norway, he started competing more seriously in more international competitions."

Rewording might be better: "After Saidy came to Norway in 2002, he started to compete (seriously?) in more international competitions". And just wondering, by seriously, do you mean he just participated in more competitions, or he actually ran harder? It's not really clear.

"Eighteen years of age, he was in the age group to compete at the World Junior Championships in Kingston, Jamaica. He competed in the 200 metres, but did not progress past the first round with a fifth place in his heat. With the time of 21.53 seconds he finished fifth in his heat, behind such athletes as eventual bronze medalist Wes Felix and Leigh Julius."

OK, I think this needs a big rewrite (the second and third sentences are redundant): "At eighteen years of age, he competed in the 200 metres at the World Junior Championships in Kingston, Jamaica. However, he did progress past the first round after running with a time of 21.53, which placed him fifth in his heat, behind such athletes as eventual bronze medalist Wes Felix and Leigh Julius." (wikilinks need to be included)

"He did exit in the next round after finishing fifth in the heat, the four best finishers in each heat progressing to the semi-finals."

Perhaps it would be best to add the explanation (the four best finishers in each heat progressing to the semi-finals) to the above sentence about finishing fifth in the Junior Championships, so it would be clearer to the reader.

"However, the quarter-final time of 21.20 seconds marked yet another Gambian record."

Reference?

"After arriving in Norway that summer, he tried the 100 metres and ran in 10.66 seconds in Drammen in August. In Norway alone, five athletes had better marks that season."

Didn't you already say he arrived in Norway? Also, what or where is Drammen? And did he run this in some sort of an event?

"The 2003 season turned out to be another season with steady progression, but still without achieving the major international breakthrough."

That sentence is somewhat of a fragment. I think it would be better to word like this: In 2003, Ndure progressed steadily, but he did not achieve any major international breakthrough.

"On another note, in May Saidy he tried the 400 metres for the first time, clocking in 48.76 seconds in a local meet in Oslo."

I don't think you need to say "on another note". Also, wikilink Oslo. And is there a reference for that?

"The next day he ran the 200 metres, and set his second Gambian record in two days with 21.18 seconds, this time in headwind."

Source?

"Saidy did however have the fastest reaction time in his heat with 0.128 seconds."

Reaction time to what? And is it really relevant?

2004 to 2005
"2004 would be the year when Saidy won his first international medal at senior level, and progressed significantly in both the short sprint events."

I really don't think you need to have that introduction. It should be obvious, so not really necessary.

"During the indoor season he lowered his personal best in the 60 metres to 6.77 seconds, achieved in a February meet in Gothenburg. "

What or where is Gothenburg?

"In late May he broke the 21-second barrier on the 200 metres, demolishing his own Gambian record with 20.69 seconds in Szombathely."

Wikilink "Szombathely"

"During the same meet he also broke the 100 metres record twice in as many days, with 10.46 on 29 May and then 10.37 on 30 May."

Is that the 100 meter record for the whole world? Or just Gambia?

"He showed great form by lowering the national 100 metres record yet again, first to 10.29 seconds in Malmö and then 10.27 seconds a week later in Lillehammer."

Wikilink the two places.

"The Olympic Games began three weeks later. The Gambian Olympic squad only consisting of two athletes, Saidy and female runner Adama Njie, Saidy was chosen as the Gambian flagbearer at the opening ceremony."

Source?

"He entered both the 100 and 200 metres, and for the first time he progressed from the first round in a global international competition. Moreover, he did so in both events."

I think it would be better to say "He entered both the 100 and 200 meters, and for the first time he progressed from the first round in a global international competition, after he advanced in both events."

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 04:04, 14 June 2008 (UTC)

Failed GA
I'm going to fail this, as more than a week has passed without a response. As it is, it still needs a lot more copyediting. Regards, Noble Story (talk • contributions) 11:26, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Hi, sorry for forgetting this. You were right to fail it. I will renominate it when the above concerns are adressed. Punkmorten (talk) 20:17, 22 June 2008 (UTC)