Talk:Jessica Gomes/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: MusikAnimal (talk · contribs) 22:45, 5 December 2013 (UTC)

I think this sounds like a good deal :) This will be either my 2nd or 3rd review, first BLP. It's brevity makes me confident that I will be thorough enough, but obviously let me know if you disagree with anything I have to say. I'll start reading through it this weekend with comments soon to follow. &mdash; MusikAnimal talk 22:45, 5 December 2013 (UTC)

Issues
My concerns are as follows, organized by section.

Lead

 * All but the first sentence begins with the words "She is". I feel improvement could be done to make the lead flow nicer and sound less repetitive. What are your thoughts?
 * fixed--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:27, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;She has strong followings in ... the East Coast hip hop community&rdquo;
 * While not likely to be challenged, I was unable to find references elsewhere in the article that support this claim.
 * Since she has worked for Sean Combs, Jay-Z and Rick Ross it should not be challenged. Current citation number 6 includes a paragraph that begins "A major hip-hop fan, she also became something of a mascot for the closeknit A-list East Coast hip-hop community through a combination of serendipity and professional bookings." How would you suggest this issue be addressed?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:11, 9 December 2013 (UTC)
 * I'm content your justification. Being the reviewer I just wanted to be thorough and inquire. Per WP:CITELEAD the absence of a reference in this case is acceptable given there is sourced content to support it in the body of the article, which is the case, so I think we're fine :) &mdash; MusikAnimal talk 17:14, 9 December 2013 (UTC)

Modeling career

 * &ldquo;For promotional use, she played baseball with the Korean baseball team LG Twins which led to celebrity-status in South Korea.&rdquo;
 * Link rot is a bitch. The official website now contains no biographical content, perhaps we could locate a new source?
 * Found.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 08:39, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;Between her spokesmanships and Korean television show appearances, she had reached iconic status in Korea by 2013.&rdquo;
 * I think iconic may be too strong of a word here given the provided reference. How about a more generic, perhaps neutral word like "celebrity"?
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:31, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;In the industry, she is regarded as a "nontraditional" beauty&rdquo;
 * I don't consider this required, but I do wish there was an additional source to support describing Gomes' as "nontraditional" to help attribute it as an "industry"-wide interpretation. Oceandrive quotes this word choice from a single editor of Sports Illustrated.
 * I have clarified the attribution.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:35, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * I have made changes throughout this section that I hope you agree with – namely moving info on Korean ad campaigns to the Campaigns section, and adding some clarification. I still think there is a lot of repetition here, as with "she is" and "she has" etc, but I think it certainly meets GA criteria on prose, so I'm going to calm down and stop being so picky for once. &mdash; MusikAnimal talk 01:51, 11 December 2013 (UTC)

Campaigns

 * &ldquo;She has appeared in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Glamour, American Glamour, Italian GQ and Victoria’s Secret catalogue&rdquo;
 * I hate to be nitpicky, but the provided source does not mention anything about Gomes' being in Italian GQ.
 * Removed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:39, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * Much like the lead section, some of this section reads like it may have been reformatted from a list into sentences without adding prose. That is, each fact is simply prepended with "she is," "she signed," etc. Maybe some sentences could be concatenated to avoid word repetition.
 * I have mixed things up a bit.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:45, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;In 2013, she was listed at number 6 [on Maxim Australia's Hot 100], making her the only person from Western Australia ranked above number 30.&rdquo;
 * Maybe I'm blind, but I'm not seeing anything in the reference supporting that she is the only person from Western Australia to break the top 30 in Maxim.
 * The source must have been revised. I have removed the now-unsourced content.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:53, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;That year, she was featured in a bodypainting layout as a canvas for bodypaint artist Joanne Gair, who was in her tenth year of producing bodypaint art for the Swimsuit Issue.&rdquo;
 * Again with the gosh-darned link rot – however I must question the relevance of noting Gair's tenure at Sports Illustrated.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:06, 9 December 2013 (UTC)

Other

 * Same issue as with lead and campaigns sections involving potential need for improvement in prose.
 * I have made a minor change that I hope makes a difference.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:00, 9 December 2013 (UTC)


 * &ldquo;She was featured in a Yoga video entitled Body Art.&rdquo;
 * More link rot
 * Removed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:00, 9 December 2013 (UTC)

Personal

 * &ldquo;Her brother is named Nathan.&rdquo;
 * In my opinion this may be considered off-topic, or perhaps more information could be added about her brother to make it more relevant.
 * Typically in a GA, we want to include as much information about a persons family as possible. I.e., we want to name them all and give basic identification whenever possible.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:55, 9 December 2013 (UTC)
 * You would know more than me! WP:BLPNAME states mention of non-notable family members should be omitted if not properly sourced, which it is, so no qualms. &mdash; MusikAnimal talk 02:12, 11 December 2013 (UTC)

And that's all I've got. Again please let me know if you disagree about anything. &mdash; MusikAnimal talk 05:44, 9 December 2013 (UTC)

Looks good! The article, I mean, not just the subject's picture Congrats! &mdash; MusikAnimal</b> <sup style="color:green;">talk 02:12, 11 December 2013 (UTC)