Talk:Johannes Latuharhary/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Vami IV (talk · contribs) 16:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)

Opening statement
Hello, and come what may from this review, thank you for your contributions to Wikipedia. During the review, I may make copyedits, which I will limit to spelling correction and minor changes to punctuation (removal of double spaces and such). I will only make substantive edits that change the flow and structure of the prose if I previously suggested and it is necessary. The Nominator(s) should understand that I am a grammar pedant, and I will nitpick in the interest of prose quality. For responding to my comments, please use ✅,, , ❌, , or , followed by any comment you'd like to make. I will be crossing out my comments as they are redressed, and only mine. A detailed, section-by-section review will follow. – ♠Vami _IV†♠  16:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)

Lead

 * Per MOS:HON, do not include honorifics or titles that precede the subject's name.


 * An early proponent of Moluccan inclusion in the Indonesian state This would be better in the first paragraph of the lead, rather than the start of the second.


 * Sarekat Ambon Describe?

Early life and education

 * Latuharhary was the first Moluccan to achieve a Meester in de Rechten (Master of Law) degree from Leiden when he received it in June 1927. Condense, a la: Latuharhary became the first Moluccan to receive a Meester in de Rechten (Master of Law) degree from Leiden in June 1927.


 * with PI's leaders Use either "the PI's leaders", or "PI leaders".

Dutch East Indies

 * editor of SA's [...] applied for SA [...] and SA did not join [...] in SA's third congress the SA


 * formed trade cooperative for Moluccans Should be plural.
 * It was a single cooperative, but by adding an "a"


 * participated in PPPKI's congress the PPKI


 * setup or restores "set up", and "restored"


 * What's Parindra?

Japanese occupation and early independence

 * Following the Japanese invasion and takeover, Add "of the Dutch East Indies" or something to that effect.


 * Latuharhary alongside other Parindra leaders were arrested and imprisoned. Reorder this, a la Latuharhary and other Parindra leaders were arrested and imprisoned.


 * Japanese Navy admiral Do you know who exactly (it's cool if you don't), and you can safely delete "Navy". The Army didn't have many Admirals.
 * No name in the source, unfortunately. Navy


 * On September 1942 In September 1942


 * In late 1944, he was again arrested after a Moluccan prisoner escaped from a prison, with the Japanese authorities being particularly suspicious of Ambonese after the Battle of Morotai and the strategic bombing of Ambon in 1944, further fueled by Allied espionage operations in the Moluccas led by Ambonese Julius Tahija. Too long.
 * Split into two sentences


 * the Japanese began giving out promises of Indonesian independence Condense.


 * meeting of Ambonese leaders in Java on May 1945 Got a specific date?
 * Source only mentioned "May 1945", sorry


 * passing over statements Passing out statements?
 * Poor wording, but reworded.


 * Japanese authorities wanted the Ambonese to stop resistance activities and participate in the independence movement. Did the Japanese want the Ambonese to not participate in the independence movement? If they did want them to, add an "instead" before "participate".


 * He was also opposed to the inclusion of the seven words dengan kewajiban menjalankan syariat Islam bagi pemeluknya (an obligation of sharia for Muslims) due to its consequences for non-Muslims and to its impact on customary laws, and later also opposed a proposition by Wahid Hasyim that only Muslims would be allowed to become President and/or Vice President, noting that the majority Christian regions in Indonesia would not be willing to be part of an Islamic state. Too long.
 * by splitting into 2 sentences


 * Furthermore, Latuharhary opposed Consider Latuharhary also opposed.


 * Eventually, the Protestant Latuharhary (alongside the other Christian representative Alexander Andries Maramis) yielded following Sukarno's request. "the Protestant Latuharhary" puts the cart before the horse. Reword? I'm seeing Eventually, Latuharhary and other Christian representatives yielded to Sukarno's request.
 * Singular other, so I kept the name. Otherwise.


 * Later on, Latuharhary was further appointed to BPUPKI's successor When? Do not be vague here.
 * date
 * Delete "Later on".


 * Later on, however, the clauses preferring Islam was removed Change to "The clauses preferring Islam were later removed". With this was one clause, change "were" to "was".
 * , and split the sentence as well, that's quite long in retrospect.

Revolution

 * Latuharhary was appointed as the Governor of Maluku By whom? And axe "as the".
 * . No names per se, but the organization.


 * alongside governors for 7 other formed provinces. Numbers smaller 10 need to be written (MOS:NUMERAL).


 * after him and after he and


 * After having earlier formed the Angkatan Pemuda Indonesia Ambon/API-Ambon (Ambonese Indonesian Youth Movement) on 5 September Split this from the sentence it's currently attached to; if it's relevant to Latuharhary calling a meeting of Moluccan leaders, I'm not aware of it.


 * but on 13 October one of the nationalist-affiliated groups Replace "one of the" with "a", and unpluralize "groups".


 * against Dutch, Eurasian and the Ambonese, Confusing. Reads as though the Ambonese are Dutch and equal to white Dutchpeople. Was that the perception of the nationalist group('s declaration)? Missing "the" before "Dutch", too.
 * grammar. Yeah, the Ambonese in this context were considered "Dutch henchmen", so to say.


 * Later on, however, Hatta came along and the request was granted Could you word this more clinically?
 * , changed to "intervened"


 * Sukarno abolished the post of the Governor of Maluku in July 1947,[52] due to the establishment of the United States of Indonesia in the Linggadjati Agreement.[53] Condense the first half and move it to the back.
 * , hopefully

Governorship

 * Latuharhary arrived in Ambon on 12 December 1950, with most of the city having been destroyed by the fighting between TNI and the RMS. Condense.
 * , added a link too
 * Excellent. – ♠Vami _IV†♠  06:44, 1 May 2020 (UTC)

Legacy

 * In 1965, the Johannes Latuharhary was briefly detained in the United States during a period of tensions with Indonesia. What sort of ship is/was this?
 * . Cargo vessel mentioned before.