Talk:John U. Monro/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 11:35, 3 September 2021 (UTC)

Comments
 * "Massachusetts and educated at Phillips Academy" a lot of our readers may not know where these places are, consider linking Mass and telling us where Phillips is.
 * Linked Massachusetts and added "in Andover" to Phillips.


 * "journalist for a few years after graduating" I don't like "for a few years" in an encyclopedia, either say how long, or say nothing.
 * Removed "for a few years", added graduation date (1935) and specified that he joined the Navy when the US entered World War II in 1941. Should I link the war?


 * "the USS Enterprise" -> "the USS Enterprise"


 * "black students made him leave" maybe "saw him" rather than "made him"


 * We don't normally include death in the lead unless it's somehow notable.
 * Removed.


 * "Massachusetts to Claxton" comma after Mass.


 * "working at American" at the American...?
 * Added "the".


 * "not well-off family" any better way of saying this? Reads awkwardly to me.
 * Changed to "as his family was not well-off,...", added reference supporting the addition of the causal claim.


 * "at Andover on" is that the same as North Andover?
 * No, added wikilink to hopefully make it more clear.


 * "later admitted to Harvard College" you can link in the body first time as well as the lead.


 * "interested in Marx" I guess you mean Karl Marx so say that, rather than Richard Marx for instance.
 * Changed Marx to Karl Marx.


 * "male Crimson," italics for Crimson.


 * "graduated in 1935, a year late.[3] After graduating" repetitive.
 * Changed "After graduating" to "He then..."


 * "the Boston Transcript and" was it the Boston Evening Transcript when he worked there?
 * Sources are not clear about this, some just use Boston Transcript, others use Boston Evening Transcript and Boston Transcript interchangeably. Changed it to Boston Evening Transcript, as the bibliography of the Capossela book writes it that way, making me believe that Boston Transcript is just shorthand.


 * "damage control officer on the USS Enterprise" italics on ship name, and what's a "damage control officer"?
 * Done w.r.t. italics, added "His position put him in charge of machinists and other sailors repairing the ship in the event of an attack".


 * "during a Kamikaze attack" link Kamikaze.


 * travelling -> traveling surely for USEng?


 * "for Black colleges" you suddenly capitalise Black here?
 * Lowercased.


 * "September 4, 1963 coincided" comma after year.


 * "Shores' home" Shores's (sorry).


 * "non-profit organisation" link and organization one would have thought...


 * "schoolers in Birmingham, Alabama" link.


 * " on March 29, 2002 in La" comma after year.


 * "Carolina, Chapel Hill to pursue" comma after Chapel Hill.


 * "University.[23][21] He" ref order.


 * World War II vs Second World War, be consistent.
 * Changed all to World War II


 * "Church in Houston, Texas appointed" comma after Texas.


 * Some SHOUTING in the refs.
 * How should I capitalise headlines when they are in all caps in the original? Like as if they were running text, so just the first word and whatever else would normally be capitalised?
 * Sentence case, like capitalise the formal nouns but otherwise just regular writing. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 22:17, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
 * , fixed. 15 (talk) 22:33, 3 September 2021 (UTC)

That's my lot for now. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 21:00, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Thank you, responded inline. 15 (talk) 22:13, 3 September 2021 (UTC)