Talk:Joseph H. Allen

Not a copyvio
This article is not a copyvio of http://www.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~nyrensse/bio3.htm. That website contains excerpts from the main source of this article, verbatim, which was published in 1880. It is therefore in the public domain.  upstate NYer  00:51, 16 March 2010 (UTC)
 * This point is now moot since I rewrote the article in my own words.  upstate NYer  01:57, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

Review
Per Upstatenyer's request I read the article, here are my suggestions-
 * Expand what the "legal difficulties" were that required Allen to suspend manufactoring chains, etc
 * Unfortunately, that is the extent to which it's described. I actually took the term verbatim (maybe I'll put quotes around it).  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * brevetted is not linked to anything, I would imagine there must be at least a section of an article on this.
 * Should be linked now.  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Since his title was a brevet I'm not sure if its appropriate to list him in the lead as being a lt col; technically by military procedure Im THINKING that his official title should still be major but with the additional mention that he had that brevet title of lt col. Not positive on that but at least in the Mexican-American War (almost 20 years earlier) there were serious arguments over whether a brevet rank gave that person that authority and it had to be decided by the sec of state (or war? pretty sure it was state... anyways!)
 * Not sure; don't know the technicalities of rank in the military, however I will point out that his gravestone says "Col. Joseph H. Allen" and the article in Sylvester starts off with "Col. Joseph H. Allen", so it seems to be accepted that he's been referred to as Col. once he attained the title.  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * the article states that he was in NY recruiting while recuperating from wounds and then goes on to list wounds from various battles... perhaps reversing that order of presentation? And was it an accumalation of all those wounds that sent him packing up north or was there one in particular?
 * I'll change the order. Detail is lacking in the sources and I've used every source out there that refers to him (again, he was a small town guy so not much info is out there).  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Will reread article to check for more mundane things like grammar and spelling, but see no particular glaring problems.Camelbinky (talk) 03:01, 25 March 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a nice short biography of someone of local importance. I've done a couple of these myself recently, and the beard on McKay is very like the beard on Frank Dekum. Handsome. Here are my other comments:


 * I ran a script to change hyphens to en dashes in page ranges.
 * I ran another script to add metadata called "persondata" near the bottom of the article. The persondata is only visible in edit mode, so most readers won't notice it, but it's useful to researchers. You should check it to make sure it's correct.

Lead
 * "Upon the beginning of the Civil War... " - Maybe "at" rather than "upon"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

Before the war
 * "In January 1851, he purchased the Eagle flour mills, the mills that eventually gave the hamlet of Eagle Mills its current name." - Tighten to "In January 1851, he purchased the Eagle flour mills that eventually gave the hamlet of Eagle Mills its name"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "After a short stint of success, the business ended up closing and the building sat idle for some time. ". - Tighten to "After brief success, the business closed and the building sat idle"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "... sold the property to Allen in 1851 because he later decided that he preferred to keep his mills consolidated in Cropseyville." - It might head off confusion to replace "he" with "Smith".
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "Allen named his enterprise the Millville Manufacturing Company[a] and transitioned the mill into an auger and bit factory." - I think "transitioned" is not a real verb. Converted? Modified? Re-organized?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "At one point, Allen experimented in producing cable chains and files... " - "experimented with" rather than "experimented in"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

Public and armed service
 * "Allen's presence was noticeable within Brunswick." - I think you mean this as a kind of introduction, but it strikes me as a bit odd. Would it be better to simply begin with "In March 1853, Allen presided... "? Also, I think this is the first time (aside from the lead) that Brunswick is mentioned in the article. It's not clear from anything in the article what the relationship of Millville to Brunswick is. How did Allen get from Millville to Brunswick? Outsiders will probably not know anything about how towns and villages and similar entities are set up in New York. An explanation of either in the main text or in a footnote would be very helpful. I don't think links to other articles are enough by themselves.
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "At that meeting, three men were elected to make up the board of trustees, however Allen was not one of them." - This seems a bit odd too. If he wasn't one of them, why mention it? Could the beginning of this section be compressed to: In March 1853, Allen presided over a meeting to incorporate the "Church of the Disciples of Christ at the village of Millville"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "however he did not finish his term due to the fact that he decided to serve in the Civil War" - Tighten by changing "due to the fact that" to "because"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "Most of the infantrymen ended up coming from Brunswick... ". - Tighten by changing "ended up coming" with "came"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * "Residents of the town helped raise all the money necessary to cover various "bounties and expenses" seen by Allen's soldiers while en route to war." - "Incurred" rather than "seen"?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

Post-war and personal life
 * "A prosperous trade was reignited and was still strong at least until the 1880s." - "Reignited" doesn't strike me as quite the right word. Perhaps "A prosperous trade resumed... "?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

Other Hope this helps. If you find these comments helpful, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the backlog at WP:PR. Finetooth (talk) 02:29, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Six of the nine sentences at the end of the "Before the war" section start with "Allen". Varying the sentence types (or at least the first words) a bit would probably be good.
 * I'll look into it.  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)
 * In addition to explaining what a "town" is in New York, you might also briefly explain what a "supervisor" is. Is a town supervisor like a mayor? A city manager? A commissioner?
 * ✅  upstate NYer  21:18, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

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