Talk:Luke Cain/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Batard0 (talk · contribs) 17:39, 24 November 2012 (UTC)

I'll take this one on. It looks well-sourced and generally in good shape. I understand that you're away and may not be able to devote much time to this; given the circumstances, I'll list the issues to be resolved and leave this review open for however long is needed. --Batard0 (talk) 17:39, 24 November 2012 (UTC)

Lead


 * No comma needed after "shooter".
 * Corrected. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * It's Australian shooter, not Australia shooter, right?
 * Yes. Corrected. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * I think "SH2 classified" should be "SH2-classified" because it's a compound adjective modifying "Australian shooter"
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * I recommend moving this sentence to the very end of the lead: "His cousin is Travis Cloke, an AFL All-Australian full-forward." The article's about Cain, and I think mentioning Cloke in the second sentence gives Cloke too much prominence.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "he first started competing" --> "he started competing" ("first" here is redundant)
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * I recommend a rephrase of this sentence to: "He started competing in 2007, as the sport suited his disability, and has been a Victorian Institute of Sport scholarship holder since 2008". The reasoning is that this puts it in chronological order, which I think makes it easier to read and understand.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * Can we wikilink "World Cup" and "South Korea"?
 * Wiki-linked World Cup. I get in trouble for over linking when I link well-known countries like South Korea.
 * Is there an article for the 2010 Oceania Shooting Federation Continental Championship or the 2011 Great Britain International? Even if there aren't articles for the individual years, it might be worth linking to the general event articles if they exist.
 * No, they don't exist. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * Recommend rephrasing "and at the 2011 Great Britain International, finished second in the 10m air rifle prone event." to "and finished second in the 10m air rifle prone event at the 2011 Great Britain International." This to me reads a bit more clearly.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * Is there any way to wikilink terms in the following: "Mixed R5-10m Air Rifle Prone-SH2 and Mixed R4-10m Air Rifle Standing-SH2 shooting events,"?
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:40, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * Comma needed after "28th", I think.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:42, 24 November 2012 (UTC)


 * All done besides wikilinking the 2010 and 2011 championships, can't find either general or year articles. Buggie111 (talk) 19:34, 24 November 2012 (UTC)

Personal


 * In "Club, when" no comma is needed here.

More to come... --Batard0 (talk) 17:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)


 * "who requires" --> "and requires" reads more clearly, I think.
 * Couldn't find first, second done. Buggie111 (talk) 19:34, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * First refers to "a game against Hastings Football Club, when he broke his neck". I should've included more context. --Batard0 (talk) 19:39, 24 November 2012 (UTC)

Shooting


 * "SH2 classified" should be "SH2-classified" as a compound adjective, I think.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:42, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "as an individual, and when on the national team" : the comma after "individual" is not necessary here.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:42, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "As a youngster, he hunted" --> "As a youngster, Cain hunted" (we should use his name on first reference in a new paragraph)
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:42, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "few sports available to some one" --> "few available to people" (we don't need "sports" because it's used earlier, and "people" here is better than "some one" or "someone")


 * "he was sponsored by Frankston, Victoria's Miall's Gun Shop" --> "he was sponsored by Miall's Gun Shop of Frankston, Victoria" (eliminates possibility of confusion re: Frankston; readers might at first assume Frankston is a sponsor and the comma separates a second sponsor called Victoria's Miall's Gun Shop)


 * Any wikilinks for these? "individual 600-600 R4 prone event, and another in the R4 10-metre standing event"


 * "that same year" --> "the same year" for clarity and conciseness, though this is a nitpick. Batard0 (talk) 18:10, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * All done except wikilinking. Buggie111 (talk) 19:34, 24 November 2012 (UTC)


 * Could "Australia's 2009 domestic series, the Australia Cup" be explained a little further? Is this Australia's championship for paralympic sports, just for shooting or something else?
 * Added a bit. Hawkeye7 (talk) 20:16, 24 November 2012 (UTC)


 * "an international event when he represented Australia" --> "an international event, representing Australia" is more concise.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * A wikilink for "2009 World Cup in South Korea" would be great if possible.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "In early 2010" --> "By early 2010" flows with the narrative a little better, I think.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * I suggest a slight rephrase of the following sentence to: "He set a personal best of 598 out of 600 at the 2010 World Cup in Germany; not long after, he set a new personal best when he shot 599 at the 2010 World Cup in France". This fixes some grammatical issues and also adds "out of 600" to make clear how good a score this was. Also, are we talking about the standing or prone event? Does it matter?
 * Done. Was prone. Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "2010 Croatia-hosted world title event" : was this a world title event for shooting? I.e. this specific 10m event?
 * An IPC event. Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 20:07, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * "a world record of 600 points out of 600 points" --> "a world record of 600 points, a perfect score" (since we said out of 600 earlier if you think that change is good)
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * I'd put a period after "finished second in the 10m air rifle prone event" and then start a new sentence with "He". This sentence is pretty long as-is.
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 19:53, 24 November 2012 (UTC)

That's about it as far as prose concerns go. Looks good, really. Fix these things and I'll take a last glance and list it. --Batard0 (talk) 19:37, 24 November 2012 (UTC)
 * Ok, having looked back through the article, it looks like these have all been addressed to the extent that we can. I'd like to get a little more explanation in the article of what "R4" means (I assume it's a type of rifle), but it's not critical. Thanks for responding quickly. I think it meets the criteria and am listing it now. Well done. --Batard0 (talk) 20:06, 24 November 2012 (UTC)