Talk:Madeleine Sackler/Archive 1

Article Draft Feedback
Some revisions needed. Chronophoto (talk) 01:05, 20 February 2018 (UTC) (course instructor)
 * Need to add an introductory paragraph that establishes her importance.
 * Periods go before references.
 * Expand the career section.

Gvievy's Peer Review
This article is really well done! There was clearly a lot of work put in, especially in regards to the detail included in the descriptions of Sackler's films. I think that you mixed general encyclopedic information (facts, etc) with more personal insights very well (for example, sharing how Sackler didn't think her families background would affect her film-making.) The tone and way the information is conveyed also seems relatively neutral throughout, and doesn't appear to favour one view or bias anything in one way over another. In my opinion, there are no big overarching changes that need to be made to the article. Rather, some small changes grammar fixes and phrase adjustments that would make the language/sentence structure more formal. Some specific examples include: Gvievy (talk) 19:23, 19 February 2018 (UTC)
 * Citations are supposed to go after the period, not before.
 * Using what is written under the "Career" heading as the lead, but removing the learning to edit using computer software sentence, as you already mention it in the "Early Life and Education" section
 * In the OG and It's a Hard Truth.. section, you could start "This is the first time that a fiction and non-fiction..." as a new sentence after the word 'Indiana'.
 * I think you need a citation for her statement/belief that her families's background won't taint her film-making.
 * In subsection OG, were you trying to write "Carter has spoken out about the this role and the effect this opportunity had on him"?
 * Change around the sentence structure of the first sentence of the OG subsection - for example, you could write "OG is Sackler's first fictional film. In addition, she acted as both director and producer."

Vera Otter Peer Review
I really enjoyed reading your article! Here are a few suggestions:

This following sentence has a lot of information in it: “However, she was equally interested in reading, writing and taking pictures, and incorporated this into her time at Duke with a minor in English, a photography elective, and creating a documentary short as an independent study” I wonder if it could be split into more than one sentence for more clarity, for example: “However, she was equally interested in reading, writing, and taking pictures. This was incorporated into her time at Duke where she had a minor in English, took photography as an elective, and created a documentary short as part of an independent study.”

I also noticed that there are a few repeated points between early life and career. For example, “After learning to edit film using computer software, Sackler discovered a way to combine her passions, and continued to work as an editor “, from early life and education, the same points are brought up in the Career section. I would suggest picking which section this information suits the best.

Vera otter (talk) 03:47, 27 February 2018 (UTC)