Talk:Margaret (singer)/Archive 1

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Requested comments

 * In general, looks pretty good. A number of minor usage quibbles, mostly.
 * I do not think the first paragraph of the lede says much about who she is other than that she is a singer. The first paragraph should have more bang for the buck. The first paragraph is all the reader may see, especially in this era when we are often the #1 Google result.  Give us the career highlights, say why the reader should care.
 * "Ińsko, Poland" link? In general, I think the places where she lived are worth links, as a reader might want to see what sort of place she grew up in, for example. Warsaw probably does not need a link.
 * "Małgorzata Jamroży was born on 30 June 1991 in Stargard Szczeciński, Poland, to teachers Ryszard and Elżbieta.[1] She has an older brother Tomasz, with whom she grew up in Ińsko, Poland.[1] She adopted the name "Julita" as her confirmation name." I would not repeat Poland, but I would give the last name of the parents. I imagine it's the same but often it isn't. I would not repeat Poland, and I would cut the words "the name" as duplicative.
 * "she would usually lose in most of them" I would cut the last four words as unneeded; "usually" has covered the field.
 * "She is also a graduate of Ignacy Jan Paderewski first degree State Music School " The shift to the present tense is a bit jarring. I would put it in the past tense, "She graduated from ..."
 * "Shortly after finishing school her nasal septum was damaged in a bike accident which temporarily prevented her from playing the instrument." the link on "bike" is possibly not necessary, but not a big deal. I would put a comma after "accident".
 * "however she resigned after three semesters." I might say "left" rather than "resigned".
 * "Career beginnings", well, "Beginnings" is probably enough as a heading
 * "with whom she performed the sung poetry genre" possibly "with whom she performed sung poetry"?
 * "Whilst a blogger Margaret was approached by her future manager, Sławomir Berdowski, who was interested in working with her, after discovering her cover of Adele's "Right as Rain"" comma after "blogger", I think, and remove the one after "working with her". I might say "became interested" rather than "was interested".
 * "Her market value was estimated at 235 238 zł" I think you must put a comma in there, thus: 235,238. I might say the dollar equivalent, or possibly euros.
 * "Don't You Worry 'bout Me" this is, I assume a translation, so why the 'bout?
 * "That same month she released a notebook called Notebook by Margaret" It's not clear what the notebook is. Can this be clarified, and possibly avoid the repetition?--Wehwalt (talk) 16:19, 23 April 2017 (UTC)

A few more comments. This is based off the diff left on my talk:


 * Thank You Very Much is linked multiple times in lede
 * " Ignacy Jan Paderewski first degree State Music School in Choszczno." I'm not convinced it's necessary to link Paderewski. If an American went to George Washington Middle School, you probably wouldn't link the George Washington ...
 * "However, shortly after the release of the music video, it has been banned by YouTube as it violated their no nudity and sexual content policy. " "has been" should be "was"
 * "which debuted and peaked at number fifty in Poland." I read this to say the debut was at #50 and it thereafter declined.
 * "Both, the single and the EP, were released only in the singer's native country." I might suggest, "Both, single and EP, were ..."
 * "Margaret was nominated for several awards at the 2013 Eska Music Awards," to avoid the repetition, I might say she was nominated "in several categories".
 * You use "peaked" a number of times with regards to the singles etc. Consider using as an alternative now and then, "reached number xxx", just for variety.
 * "released only into Polish market" needs a "the" before Polish. Same with "released in December only into Polish market."
 * If Melody Smurf has an article, that would be a useful link, otherwise I would link Smurf.
 * "she became the face and the ambassador of the nail products brand Semilac in Poland" this reads like a press release. She was a paid endorser.
 * "Her market value was estimated at 235,238 zł, which resulted in the singer being ranked sixty-seventh on the list." I would add "as a performer" after the word "value". Also, I still think there should be a dollar or euro equivalent to the zloty.  Few people minded to consult the English version will think in zloty.

In general, it's better than most articles about performers I've read. Keep alert for the sort of minor English irregularity I've targeted. Good luck with it.--Wehwalt (talk) 04:28, 26 April 2017 (UTC)