Talk:Masrour Barzani

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 * Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG) 9th cabinet - Group Photo.jpg

Proposed changes to lead
Hi, I’m replacing my original post here to try to make it clearer. I've drafted a proposed updated lead in my sandbox. The changes I'm proposing are to: Let me know if these suggestions are acceptable. Thank you. Halgurd1 (talk) 10:49, 4 December 2019 (UTC)
 * 1) Start with his role as Prime Minister rather than his Kurdistan Democratic Party membership
 * 2) Include the terms "autonomous federal" to describe the Kurdistan Region, as designated by the 2005 Iraqi constitution – see timeline at the bottom of this BBC article
 * 3) Correct "former Chancellor of the Kurdistan Region Security Council" – he's still the Chancellor of the KRSC (see this Kurdistan 24 article)
 * 4) Correct the June 2019 vote count, which was 87 not 88 (see same K24 article above)
 * 5) Correct "President Masoud Barzani" – Masoud Barzani is the former President
 * 6) Include a short career summary sentence – Peshmerga, UK and US education, return to the Kurdistan Region

Reply 04-DEC-2019

 * Thank you for your request. Unfortunately, needed information is missing from the request. In particular, the exact verbatim description of the text and/or references to be removed (if any) needs to be given.
 * Reasons should also be provided for each change — particularly, for numbers #1 and #6 from your proposal.
 * In the section of text below titled Sample edit request, I've shown how one example sentence should be requested to be removed and replaced with its successor:

 1. Please remove the third sentence from the second paragraph of the Sun section:
 * "The Sun's diameter is estimated to be approximately 25 miles in length."

2. Please add the following claim as the third sentence of the second paragraph of the Sun section:
 * "The Sun's diameter is estimated to be approximately 864,337 miles in length."

3. Using as the reference:

4. Reason for change being made:
 * "The previously given diameter was incorrect."

Regards, Spintendo  11:05, 4 December 2019 (UTC)
 * Kindly open a new edit request at your earliest convenience when ready to proceed with the missing elements of your request. Thank you!

Proposed changes to lead – updated request
Hi and thanks for your reply – here’s a new request in the recommended format:


 * 1) Change the current first sentence:
 * 2) Please remove from the current first sentence “is a member of the Kurdistan Democratic Party leadership, son of Kurdistan Region President Masoud Barzani, and former Chancellor of the Kurdistan Region Security Council in Kurdistan Region. ”
 * 3) And replace with: “is a Kurdish politician who has served as Prime Minister of the Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG), the official ruling body of the autonomous federal Kurdistan Region, since June 2019.”
 * 4) References:
 * 5) Reasons:
 * 6) Prime Minister is his primary political role and therefore the first one which should be stated. First sentences in other articles on prime ministers (e.g. Justin Trudeau, Boris Johnson, Scott Morrison) typically follow this sequence i.e. [name] is a [nationality] politician who has served as Prime Minister of [country] since [date].
 * 7) A concise description of the KRG and status of the Kurdistan Region is useful for readers here in my view.
 * 8) The secondary political roles removed from this first sentence can then be stated in a second sentence (see below).
 * 9) Add a new second sentence:
 * 10) Please add a new second sentence: “He is also the Chancellor of the Kurdistan Region Security Council and a leading member of the Kurdistan Democratic Party.”
 * 11) Reference:
 * 12) Reasons:
 * 13) These two political roles are secondary in importance to his role as Prime Minister, so it makes sense for them to be together in a second sentence.
 * 14) He is still the Chancellor of the Kurdistan Regional Security Council (the Kurdistan 24 article calls him the ‘incumbent’).
 * 15) Add a new third sentence:
 * 16) Please add a new third sentence summarizing his early career and education: “A Peshmerga soldier at the age of 16, he studied in the UK and the US before returning to the Kurdistan Region to enter politics.”
 * 17) Reference:
 * 18) Reason: A lead should ideally include some kind of summary of an article’s most important contents (MOS:LEAD). A short sentence like this, briefly charting his career trajectory, seems a reasonable way to follow that convention in a BLP of this size.
 * 19) Change the current second sentence:
 * 20) In the current second sentence, please
 * 21) Replace “On 10 July 2019, he sworn in as Prime Minister of Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG) 9th cabinet” with “He was sworn in as Prime Minister of the KRG’s ninth cabinet on 10 July 2019,”
 * 22) Replace “by 88 votes out of 97 legislators in the Kurdistan Parliament. ” with “after receiving 87 votes out of 97 legislators in the Kurdistan Parliament. ”
 * 23) References:
 * 24) Reasons:
 * 25) Fix typos: “He sworn in”, “of Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG) 9th cabinet”.
 * 26) The previous mention of the Kurdistan Regional Government and its abbreviation means just “KRG“ on its own is needed here.
 * 27) It flows better from the proposed career summary sentence to have the date in the middle of this sentence rather than the start.
 * 28) “after receiving” is a more accurate use of language than “by”.
 * 29) The correct vote count is 87, as per the Kurdistan 24 article.
 * 30) The existing Jerusalem Post source is from December 2018, so it cannot be a source for his inauguration in June 2019.
 * 31) Add a new fifth sentence:
 * 32) Please add a new fifth sentence: “He is the son of former President of the Kurdistan Region Masoud Barzani.”
 * 33) Reasons:
 * 34) Stating this family relationship in a standalone sentence rather than together with his roles as in the current first sentence.
 * 35) Clarifying that Masoud Barzani is the former President.
 * 1) Please add a new fifth sentence: “He is the son of former President of the Kurdistan Region Masoud Barzani.”
 * 2) Reasons:
 * 3) Stating this family relationship in a standalone sentence rather than together with his roles as in the current first sentence.
 * 4) Clarifying that Masoud Barzani is the former President.
 * In case it’s useful, the whole lead as I’m proposing it here is also in my sandbox (note the Kurdistan 24 article is the source for each of sentences 1–4, but I've included it as a single citation at the end of the fourth sentence here and in my sandbox.)

Halgurd1 (talk) 17:36, 4 December 2019 (UTC)

Reply 5-DEC-2019
Regards, Spintendo  08:56, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
 * The claim regarding being the son of the former president was not added, as the reference which accompanies this claim was not included — either here on the talk page, or in the COI editor's sandbox.
 * Thanks very much. Halgurd1 (talk) 10:15, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
 * Ah just noticed the comma's missing between "Kurdistan Region" and "since June 2019" Halgurd1 (talk) 11:20, 5 December 2019 (UTC)