Talk:Mike Heath (swimmer)/GA2

GA Review
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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 08:14, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

Comments - by now I think you should be familiar with most of these topics!
 * The lead could be expanded a little to cover all aspects, not just the elite wins and records.
 * ✅ Expanded lead to include Texas origins and college career. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * Make sure all those x's are multiplication signs for the race titles.
 * ✅ Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "Heath was born in McAllen, Texas." tiny sentence, either expand or merge, probably the latter, to avoid saying "Heath did this. Heath did that."
 * ✅ Combined sentences to eliminate issue. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "Highland Park high school swim team" just my ignorance here: you called it Highland Park High School, yet then you decapitalise to "high school" for his team membership. Is that standard AmEng?
 * ✅ Highland Park High School is proper capitalization. The school mascot is the Fighting Scots, therefore the full team name is the Highland Park Fighting Scots, which can be described as the Highland Park Fighting Scots high school swim team.  I could not find a source for Heath's high school swimming that cited the school's mascot, so I deleted the mascot, leaving behind capitalization that no longer worked.  Dopey mistake, now fixed.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "and breaking his own " perhaps "going on to break his.."
 * ✅ Tweaked it -- please see if the revised sentence is clearer. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "edging Steve Lundquist of the SMU Mustangs" while this is interesting, to a non-expert there's no context, he could have edged Mickey Mouse from Disney University for all I know, what's the relevance of this "edging"?
 * ✅ Clumsy reference to a future teammate and fellow gold medalist on the 1984 U.S. Olympic team. Not directly relevant to the subject's narrative, so I deleted it.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * In other articles, the later honours, like the 1996 induction are captured in a "later life" or "life after competition swimming" section.
 * Heath has not been inducted into the ISHOF yet, nor received any other major honors I could find. Given that the UFHOF is a university honor, it seemed most appropriate to include the single HOF honor with his college career.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "and a silver in individual events" why not be precise and say "a silver in the 200 m freestyle"?
 * I'm distinguishing between the four-man relay team events and the individual events in which he competed. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * Oh, I see why, the first para is an intro para to the next two paras. It reads odd to me, why not deal with it in one go?
 * I seem to have been a little off my game in this article, with several awkward constructions sprinkled about the text. I'll ping you back on this -- sometimes when the meaning of a sentence or two of one's writing is not immediately clear to an editor or reader, it's just better to chuck it all and rewrite it from scratch.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * " behind Michael Gross's world" no need to repeat his first name.
 * ✅ Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "a controversial result" you can expand upon this as you did in the other article I recently reviewed, it's a good tale.
 * ✅ More relevant to Mark Stockwell's article than Heath's, because Stockwell finished second. Still it was a complete fuck-job by the starter.  The race should have been restarted: the bad start may have cost Heath a silver or bronze medal, and probably cost Stockwell the gold.  Expanded a bit with references frpm the Stockwell article per your suggestion.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * No need to repeat Biondi's first name.
 * ✅ Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * "Pan Pac " no need for such colloquial abbreviations (unless you announce the abbreivation beforehand).
 * ✅ Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * Per previous review, can you directly reference the tables with the world records?
 * ✅ Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)


 * Are seven See alsos really directly relevant to this individual's bio?
 * Well, I pared the linked articles from seven to five: two are world record progressions, including the subject (significant); two are lists of Olympic and FINA world championship medalists, including the subject (significant); and the fifth is a list of Olympic athletes produced by the subject's alma mater ("A small college. And yet there are those who love it.")

A few issues, easily resolved, so I'll put it on hold as usual. The Rambling Man (talk) 21:14, 12 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Well, this is getting to be routine, isn't it? I believe I have addressed all of your concerns except one, and I want to look at that again with fresh eyes again in a few hours.  Please let me know if you have any additional comments, questions or suggestions.  We live to serve.    Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 23:56, 12 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Ok, no worries, let me know when you'd like me to take another look. The Rambling Man (talk) 06:14, 13 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Please take a look at the intro paragraph of the "international career" section again, and see if the transition makes more sense to you now. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 06:29, 13 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Happy with that, so I'll promote, good work. The Rambling Man (talk) 06:32, 13 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Thank you, TRM. I don't have any more GA nominations currently pending, but I hope we have occasion to work together again in the near future.  It's been a pleasure.  Cheers.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 12:25, 13 July 2015 (UTC)
 * Likewise, feel free to ping me directly should you have anything you'd like me to review. The Rambling Man (talk) 12:32, 13 July 2015 (UTC)