Talk:Murder of James Bailey Cash Jr.

response to peer review
First of all, thank you all for the reviews, they are going to be quite useful. From what I can tell so far most of the are mostly focused on clarifications, grammer and expanding in certain areas (such as information on Hoover, who I am still gathering info on for the actual article for the 27th). I will begin to focus primarily on the first two, clarification and grammer as it will take a few more days to gather what I need in regards to hoover and the details of the investigation itself, but I feel the reviews you have done so far will be a great help for the earlier parts of the article for now, and for the bulk of it later on. This is a more general response for all of the peer reviews but I went into greater detail with each one. Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

Peer Review
1.What does the article do well? Is there anything from your review that impressed you? Your article does a good job of giving a detailed account of the incident. I was impressed by how much specific and useful information you were able to gather about the incident, and was genuinely intrigued about what happened.

2. What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article? Why would those changes be an improvement? I would suggest changing the title of the first section at the beginning of the article from “Murder of James Bailey Cash Jr.” to “Background.” This would improve the organization of the article and better reflect that in the section you are explaining the larger phenomenon of Ransom Kidnappings in the 1930s. You could maybe use “The Murder of James Bailey Cash Jr.” as the title for the current “Kidnapping” section. The sentence “With the discovery of the body, Hoover removed the restrictions on the media who quickly began to write on McCall and the murder, along with his confession.[12]” in the Trial and Execution section could be improved by clarifying who exactly “Hoover” is and more specifically what restrictions on the media were removed. This will keep the reader on track on knowing who was who. I would add more detail about who Franklin McCall was, if possible. Do we know his occupation? Any reasons why he became the kidnapper? How is it known that he was definitely the kidnapper? It might be hard to come by, but it would definitely give the reader better perspective.

Response: Thank you, I have some information gathered on who McCall was, and am doing the same for Hoover as well as the body of the investigation and I will also do the reorganization you suggested, I agree that it will most likely be a major help for the article. Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

3. What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article? The most important thing you can do to improve the article would be to make the “kidnapping” section more concise. You had detailed information, but it was a bit overwhelming to read all at once. I would suggest breaking up the paragraphs a little bit more and rearranging some of the wording to clarify what happened. For example, rearranging the sentence “Sometime after, McCall had entered into the family home and used a handkerchief to smother and kidnap the boy before taking him from the home, in the process accidentally murdering Cash Jr.[3]” into something like “McCall had entered into the family home and used a handkerchief to smother the boy, accidentally murdering James Bailey Cash Jr. in the process.” would make it flow more nicely. The sentence “By 10:10 PM, both parents returned home to find and began to search the surrounding areas once they discovered that Cash Jr. was missing, the search would also be joined by their neighbors. (Miller pg needed)” could be split into two separate sentences, one about how the parents began to search and another about how the neighbors later joined.

Response: I agree, I will try and edit the kidnapping section more for clarification of some details, maybe shorten it a bit more as well as suggested (I will try and find a way to keep the same level of detail if I can.) Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

4. Did you notice anything about the article you reviewed that could be applicable to your own article? Let them know! The article shows attention to detail which I will try to emulate in my article.

Ramizlf (talk) 22:27, 27 February 2020 (UTC)

1. What does the article do well? Is there anything from your review that impressed you? I was impressed with the information found out about the ransom note in connection with the murder.

2. What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article? Why would those changes be an improvement? Like Nicole suggested, I would also change the first title from “Murder of James Bailey Cash Jr.” to “Background.” Some long sentences that could be cut short, like the last sentence in the introduction section. Writing the n-word as n--. Certain phrases can be omitted to make the sentences smoother. For example, “Soon after the murder, by eleven of the same night,” could be shortened to “Later that night at 11 p.m.” There are other ways to shorten sentences to get rid of run-ons. There are some sentences that have commas separating sentences. To fix that, you can add semi-colons. For example, the sentence in the Trial and Execution section that begins “Angered over the course…” can include a semi-colon where the comma is. For the “First Ransom Letter” section I would put it in bullet points, or shorter sentences. The one long sentence describing the demands is confusing to read. These changes would help the article flow better, and the storyline be more concise.

Response: I'll try some of the editing suggestions, and to clarify the demands section (I had paraphrase it as McCall's demands were too pages long and tedious in their own right but I agree I may have made the problem worse with my paraphrasing) as for the n-word, I will try that as well however as it is a direct quote from McCall's ransom letter can we change it? Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

3. What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article? Streamlining the different sections to make it easier to follow. To me, I think one of the main things to work on is sentence structure. I’m also curious if there’s any more information about why and how J. Edgar Hoover could restrict the media from writing on the murder (which I imagine will be put into the “Investigation Begins and FBI Involvement” section). It feels like there’s good information about the ransom letter in the last paragraph of the “Kidnapping” section that could be used as context for the “First Ransom Letter” section.

Response: I will expand upon the FBIs media control of the case when I gather more notes on it (I have the sources I need and have read them, now its just a matter of gathering what part for the article.) I will also clarify where I need to and reorganize the first ransom letter/kidnapping sections as well. Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

4. Did you notice anything about the article you reviewed that could be applicable to your own article? Let them know! The Kidnapping section had a lot of good information and did a solid job of paraphrasing sources. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m revising my article.

IJW27 (talk) 18:29, 28 February 2020 (UTC)

Peer Review

1. What does the article do well? Was there anything in the review that impressed you? You did a great job detailing the events of the botched kidnapping. I found the very premise of the topic very interesting.

2. What changes would you suggest the author make to the article? a. I feel like your article immediately jumped right into a body paragraph rather than it beginning with a few introductory sentences describing the topic. b. Don't forget to add a citation at the end of the "McCaul's Arrest and Interrogation" heading. c. The second paragraph under the "Kidnapping" heading should be corrected to: "...also members of the town's African Americana population." In other words, just change "towns" to "town's". d. Don't forget to complete areas of the topic you are still obtaining information for. (Just a reminder.)

3. What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article? Just double check grammar and citations, and make sure unfinished sections of the article are completed.

4. What I could apply to my article? I think I could implement your style of detailing to improve my article.

Response: Thank you, I will check the grammer and citations just to be sure, and add where I need to. Heatleymd (talk) 18:34, 4 March 2020 (UTC)heatleymd

--MJVH2097 (talk) 22:06, 28 February 2020 (UTC)

The article still requires extensive copyediting. I've made a start but will have to do more research to do it all, so I added a the copy editing template. Matuko (talk) 17:07, 24 April 2022 (UTC)

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