Talk:Orchesis Dance Company

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1. Make opening definition more neutral--avoid "premier, "express themselves throuigh their love of dance" and other phrases that sound promotional. Tone throughout must be factual.  This is an encyclopedia.

2.Find out how to format footnotes here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citing_sources#How_to_write_them

3. How it began and how it grew are both part of the history of the company. The only biographical material about Moon Ja that belongs here is what's relevant to the history of the company

4. Rethink some of the headings and their sequence: Leaders of the Company is really about Company Organization. On to the Show tells us nothing. You mean something like Production Process. Expressions of Dance doesnt indicate what that section contains. Neither does Finding the Members. Guest artists and Guest performers isnt a clear distinction.

5. I believe you found more widely dispersed references. Too much of this still depends on the Orchesis website. Ask Moon Ja for more sources, at least reviews in the local newspapers.

Rudolph2007 (talk) 02:05, 25 February 2008 (UTC)

First graded draft
H’Doubler soon became an advocate for dance in the educational and creative arenas. She was one of the few individuals of that era trying to legitimize the art of dance at the university level. --stated earlier

and her instructive style succeeded with her superiors. --adds nothing

The word "orchesis" in Greek theatre means the art or act of dancing. It is a noun derived from the Greek word Orchestra. --combine sentences

"Orchesis" came to Cal Poly with a woman by the name of Moon Ja Minn Suhr.--rewrite more straightforwardly, without extra words.

avid--delete

becoming familiar to a larger crow--says nothing; specify

, benefiting the university and community as a whole.--no content; support the claim

Since its founding, the Orchesis Dance Company at Cal Poly has grown, becoming familiar to a larger crowd. After thirty-eight years, the company is still successful, benefiting the university and community as a whole.--does this fit under heading?

supervises and manages what happens in this organization. She or he oversees the dance company by deciding what is best for the association and its beneficiaries. The director,--no content

the most qualified--delete

. These same people also --delete and combine sentences

Together, they decide --delete

keeping what is best and cutting what is not as well choreographed. The director notifies the members of Orchesis of scheduling changes, if any. --wordy and uninteresting

Planning any additional meetings for the company is also the director's job. With much help from the student treasurer,--delete

or this course.--you haventg indicatged it's a course

The co-director, also known as an assistant director, helps manage Orchesis with the director. She/he assists the director in her/his tasks, but do not have the final word on things. If the director is unable to attend a class or rehearsal, the co-director will be present instead. The assistant director and director will discuss the many opportunities for the company members, and both decide on who will receive the four scholarships at the end of the year.--filler; no reader of an encyclopedia wants to know this.

Student officers section could be compressed to one short sentence for each.

look up number and amount in OOO

Class--combine sentences in this section when possible. Eliminate unnecessary words. Proofread all sentences. Read last sentence. Is it in the right place? Why future tense?

Lab and Rehearsal --It? This section is garbled. You havent introduced the major point that this is preparation for a production. That needs its own heading. This section doesnt fall under Auditions

The heading Style: Technique and Choreography doesnt make sense. What's relation among these terms?

Ballet is known as the base of all other styles of dance. There are many types of ballet ranging from romantic, classical, neo-classical, and modern. Orchesis dancers take many modern classes to experiment with different types of movement and emotion. Modern dance is usually thought of any style of movement that rejects the traditional ballet training. --sequence of sentences here is incoherent

frequents the stage --reword

A small collection of--reword

On the stage, rehearsals are to take place to make sure the lighting is correct, music is set, and for the dancers to know where they will be placed on stage.--a messy sentence

There are three types of rehearsals the company will run on the stage. It includes technical rehearsal, lighting rehearsal, and dress rehearsal.--proofead

are specifically planned in order to decide on and practice lighting cues throughout the show.--wordy

Dont use future tense

Certain awards are given to Orchesis members each year. These awards are presented to company members at the reception after the closing show.--wordy, repetitious

The discussion of the troupe's repetoire would be much enhanced by some specific examples of choreographed dances and exceptional performances. Why is there nothing about the present director?

This is a rough beginning. Organization and writing need revision throughout. Eliminate all extra words and material that is of no interest. C-

Rudolph2007 (talk) 03:55, 3 March 2008 (UTC)