Talk:Pat Burrell/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Killervogel5 (talk · contribs) 00:12, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

I'll be reviewing this, but as with most of my GA reviews, I'll undertake it in sections. Just a note to others that this one is being reviewed. I will leave my first group of comments tomorrow. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  00:12, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

First tranche of comments

 * Lead
 * Link "first overall draft pick" in the lead to List of first overall Major League Baseball draft picks ✅
 * Do not duplicate "Philadelphia Phillies" in lead. After first mention, "Phillies" is sufficient. ✅
 * In the lead, a lot of "he... but he" constructions. The second "he" is superfluous in all cases. For example only: "In 2003, he signed a six-year contract with the Phillies, but he batted a career-low .209 with 21 home runs." ✅
 * "he missed several games with a wrist injury. He hit 32 in 2005" - reads awkwardly, could mean "hit 32 games"...? ✅
 * "though" adds nothing encyclopedic ✅
 * "30 home runs in 2007, and the Phillies" would be better as 30 home runs in 2007 as the Phillies ✅
 * "Phillies reached the playoffs again. This time, they won the World Series." - would be better as Phillies reached the playoffs again, winning the World Series ✅
 * "A pinch-runner for Burrell (Eric Bruntlett) scored the winning run in Game 5." - not lead-worthy ✅
 * "and the Phillies signed Raúl Ibañez to be their new left fielder." - not lead-worthy ✅
 * Link "designated hitter" in the lead ✅
 * "seven home runs in 92 games" - comparable quantities per MOS:NUM ✅


 * Infobox
 * All looks good here.


 * High school
 * "eleven home runs" - MOS:NUM says 11 ✅


 * College
 * Avoid statements that say "current" on things that can change rapidly. Just saying that he was Huff's teammate is probably sufficient, as the reader can go to Huff's article if they don't know who he is. ✅
 * Three sentences in a row with the same reference can just be combined. You only need the reference at the end of the statements that it covers unless there is something extraordinary that would necessitate duplication. Example: "As a freshman, he was selected as a First-Team All-American by Baseball America and the Collegiate Baseball Newspaper.[4] He was also named the Most Outstanding Player of the 1996 College World Series, joining Dave Winfield and Phil Nevin as the only players to win the award without winning the series.[4] In his sophomore year, he was again named a First-Team All-American by Baseball America and the Collegiate Baseball Newspaper but also by the Sporting News this year.[4]" - first two cites can be removed. ✅
 * "Also, he was" - remove also, no encyclopedic value ✅
 * You use the abbreviation "MLB" here without explicitly defining it in the prose of the article. Expand or explicate. ✅


 * Minor leagues
 * "seven home runs and 30 RBI" - comparable quantities ✅
 * "He... he" constructions continue throughout this and earlier sections. Be succinct. ✅

Hopefully these are enough to get you started. My apologies for the delay on getting this started. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  01:48, 30 November 2011 (UTC)

Second tranche of comments
Apologies for the delay. On we go. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  02:46, 8 December 2011 (UTC)


 * 2000
 * Comma after "May 23, 2000" ✅
 * "tied the game at two" - WP:JARGON, consider re-word ✅
 * You use "the Phillies" twice in one sentence; consider replacing one instance with Philadelphia to avoid repetition ✅
 * You use the phrase "the next day" at least four times in the paragraph. Try to change some of those out for specific dates, or other wording like "the following day" or something else. ✅
 * I believe it should be "walk-off", not walkoff, as the Wikipedia article shows "walk-off home run". ✅
 * "he was fourth-place in voting" - awkward wording; "he was fourth place" isn't proper grammar, and the hyphen is incorrect regardless. Not sure what to suggest specifically. ✅


 * 2001
 * "beat the Chicago Cubs 6–3" - scores in line should be surrounded by commas: e.g. "beat the Chicago Cubs, 6–3," ✅
 * "victory over the... victory over the..." - this is repeated a lot. There are other ways to say that the Phillies won. Consider some re-working of this paragraph to remove that repetition. ✅
 * "However, his 162 strikeouts were the ninth-highest total in Phillies' history." - that's true now, but as of 2001, it was the third-highest total (note that six of the seasons above him have happened after 2001). Should be re-worded ✅


 * 2002
 * "home run against Herges" - against who? Do you mean Matt Herges? ✅
 * "He got his 100th RBI" - informal ✅
 * "Also," - doesn't add any encyclopedic value ✅


 * 2003
 * "$50-million" - remove hyphen ✅


 * 2004
 * "won the game 6–5" - inline score, commas ✅

Hopefully these help. I will try to get to the next group early next week. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  02:46, 8 December 2011 (UTC)

Third tranche of comments

 * 2005
 * "after he had 15 RBI" - double "he"; would be better as after accumulating 15 RBI ✅
 * "Phillies' player" - Phillies is not possessive in this case; remove apostrophe ✅
 * "Four days later, on June 9," - you can remove the date; it's not necessary to repeat it twice ✅
 * "left fielders in errors, with 7" - seven per MOS:NUM ✅


 * 2006
 * There's not much to this section compared to those surrounding it. It could use expansion. ✅


 * 2007
 * There are a lot of "he... but he", "he... and he" constructions still in this section. Please re-word them or find a different way to say. It's a lot of unneeded redundant wording. This can almost always be solved by removing the second "he" and maybe moving a verb around. ✅
 * "using Greg Dobbs, Jayson Werth, or Michael Bourn instead in left field" ✅
 * "Three days later, on July 17" - redundant to give both day and date like that ✅


 * 2008
 * "eight home runs and 24 RBI" - comparable quantities, so 8 ✅
 * "Hayes's" - second "s" not necessary ✅
 * "walkoff" - walk-off ✅
 * You use the abbreviation "NLDS" without earlier clarifying what it means. I think you need to go back to 2007 to add that abbreviation in parentheses. ✅

This completes Burrell's Phillies career. I'll return later to review the remaining years. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  13:01, 17 December 2011 (UTC)

Fourth tranche of comments

 * Tampa Bay Rays
 * Explicate the abbreviation "DL"
 * Is the second paragraph of this section 2010? The year is never given and is needed.


 * San Francisco Giants
 * In re-starting the new section, you should give the year again for clarity
 * "Giants lost 9–3" - comma after "lost"
 * "Nate Schierholtz then pinch-ran for him, and he scored the winning run in the Giants' 4–3 victory" - better as Nate Schierholtz then pinch-ran for him, scoring the winning run in the Giants' 4–3 victory
 * "nine times in 11 at bats" - nine... eleven or 9... 11 (I prefer the former)
 * "one-year $1 million" - comma after year
 * You say that Burrell's 2010 totals were career lows, but then his 2011 totals are lower?


 * Met Killer
 * This section is fine


 * Personal
 * This section is fine, but could probably use a little expansion.

Other than that the article looks good. &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  19:50, 24 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I felt like doing some article work so I popped in and made all the above fixes. Definitely a detailed article here. Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 04:51, 25 December 2011 (UTC)

PASS - I am passing this article. Couldn't happen to a better player (that 5 in my username is, well... you know). &mdash; KV5  •  Talk  •  12:50, 25 December 2011 (UTC)