Talk:Philip Smith (criminal)/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Ceradon (talk · contribs) 00:11, 26 July 2012 (UTC)


 * Please correct the issues below. ceradon talk contribs   09:49, 27 July 2012 (UTC)

Background

 * The family had a deprived upbringing, made worse when Smith's father was injured in a motoring accident. (First paragraph, line four.) Instead of saying: "The family had a deprived upbringing", you might want to describe why that was so. Otherwise, just remove it. I don't think that could be described as fact. That should be a judgement call on the part of the reader, and not the writer.
 * Thanks for reviewing this. I believe that sentence could have been my interpretation. The Evening Mail article says, "Times were hard in the poverty-stricken Coney Hill Estate where he grew up and the family's lives were made tougher when their father, Harry, was severely injured in a road accident." I guess I could say something like, "The family had a [limited or modest] income, made worse when Smith's father was injured in a motoring accident." Let me know what you think anyway. Paul MacDermott (talk) 13:55, 26 July 2012 (UTC)
 * "The family had a modest income, made worse when Smith's father was injured in a motoring accident." sounds good.
 * Slightly rephrased as "The family had a modest income, and their situation became worse when Smith's father was injured in a motoring accident.", because it's unclear whether the income itself was made worse. --Stfg (talk) 10:58, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * He became well-known locally and was a regular patron of the Shamrock Cafe on Stratford Road and of the Rainbow pub in Digbeth, where he was employed on a casual basis as an odd job man and served as an unofficial taxi driver for drinkers. (Second paragraph, lines nine an ten.) - an "odd job man"? Please consider rewording.
 * "odd job man" is recognised by both Chambers and OED (with various hyphenations) "odd-jobber" also exists, but I think is less common in the UK. Do you have a preference? --Stfg (talk) 10:32, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * I'd prefer "odd-jobber". ceradon talk contribs   10:37, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * Done. --Stfg (talk) 10:58, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * Other than that: No problems found.

Murder spree

 * On 8 November 2000 Smith met 21-year-old Jodie Hyde, a recovering butane gas addict from Alum Rock, Birmingham, at the Rainbow public house, and they were seen leaving together. → On 8 November 2000, Smith met 21-year-old Jodie Hyde, a recovering butane gas addict from Alum Rock, Birmingham, at the Rainbow public house, and they were seen leaving together. (Fist paragraph, lines one and two.) You forgot a comma there.
 * Actually, comma is now optional in that construction, and is often omitted in British English (sometimes also in US). I've put one in, however. --Stfg (talk) 10:32, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * Fearing that he would be caught, Smith moved her to another location, where he beat her to death with such ferocity that dental records were required to identify her. (Third paragraph, line two and three.) Consider rewording this to: "and beat her to the extent that dental records were required to identify her corpse." My reason: "where he beat her to death with such ferocity that dental records were required to identify her." Said level of ferocity should be something that is determined by the reader.
 * OK. I prefer "so much that" of "to the extent that". Is that OK? --Stfg (talk) 10:32, 27 July 2012 (UTC)
 * No problem. ceradon talk contribs   10:37, 27 July 2012 (UTC)

Trial and sentence

 * When Smith returned to the witness stand he said he wished to speak to his barrister. Presiding judge Mrs Justice Rafferty told him that he must answer questions, to which Smith replied: "I want to change my plea. I'm fed up with this. I want to change my plea." (Second sentence, lines two, three and four.) Several grammatical mistakes were made: When Smith returned to the witness stand, he said he wished to speak to his barrister. Presiding judge Justice Rafferty told him that he must answer questions, to which Smith replied: "I want to change my plea. I'm fed up with this. I want to change my plea."
 * Question: Is the judge's name "Justice Rafferty"? If not, please add her full name. Also, there is no need to place any titles next to her name.
 * It's a title, not a name. I've removed it. I'll message your talkpage about these commas, but have inserted that one. --Stfg (talk) 10:32, 27 July 2012 (UTC)

Further inquiries

 * In early 2001 investigators asked the Irish authorities for a fresh post mortem, - Forgot a comma after "In early 2001", and please consider changing fresh to new. This could also be done in the last sentence of the article.
 * Done. ("further" in the last sentence) --Stfg (talk) 10:32, 27 July 2012 (UTC)

Images

 * Everything good there.