Talk:Ramone Moore/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 21:01, 28 July 2011 (UTC)

GA Review Philosophy
When I do an article review I like to provide a Heading-by-Heading breakdown of suggestions for how to make the article better. It is done in good faith as a means to improve the article. It does not necessarily mean that the article is not GA quality, or that the issues listed are keeping it from GA approval. I also undertake minor grammatical and prose edits. After I finish this part of the review I will look at the over arching quality of the article in light of the GA criteria. If I feel as though the article meets GA Standards I will promote it, if it does not then I will hold the article for a week pending work.

Lead

 * "He enrolled at Temple as a non-scholarship student and sat out his freshman year as a redshirt. As a redshirt sophomore, he was the Atlantic..." "as a redshirt.  As a redshirt..."  Not good prose here, can this be changed?
 * Changed to "He enrolled at Temple as a non-scholarship student and redshirted his freshman year." ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 03:48, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * Link to the Atlantic 10 conference article.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 03:52, 29 July 2011 (UTC)

Early life

 * Do you have his mother's name? If not why not?  Was his mother a part of his life growing up?  This may be a notable part of his biography and should be investigated.
 * I found one source that said his mother's name is Stephanie Pugh. Nothing else about her, but I added it to the article. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:06, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * "...out of love of the game." Nice statement but not really encyclopedic.  It's implied that he loved the game when you say he played until nightfall.
 * Changed to "The younger Moore spent his childhood on the basketball court, playing until nightfall to hone his skills." ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:40, 29 July 2011 (UTC)

College career

 * You say he sat out his freshman season but in the next sentence you talk about his freshman debut and then go on to talk about his stats as a freshman. This is inconsistent and confusing.  Did he sit out the season or not?  It appears as though he played.
 * Clarified to explain his freshman year athletically began a year later than his freshman year academically. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:43, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * "...he enrolled at Temple as a non-scholarship student and sat out his freshman year as a redshirt.[5] In his freshman debut the following year..." I think it's confusing for people to read that he had a freshman year academically and then a freshman year athletically.  Instead what about something like, "in his first year of eligibility" or simply say, "In his debut the following year" and leave out "freshman debut".  H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 15:59, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * The term "clutch" is sports jargon that we should try to avoid. I know there's an article about it and you link to it but IMO it's a great word for a sports article in a magazine but not for an encyclopedia.  Perhaps replace with "important" or "key" or "critical".  I say the same thing about "coast-to-coast".  This isn't Sports Illustrated so terms like this aren't encyclopedic and can be misunderstood by those not as familiar with basketball jargon.
 * Changed to "...critical fullcourt..." ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:48, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * Per WP:OVERLINK terms should be linked once in the lead and once in the article. Fran Dunphy is linked twice in the article, look for other terms that are linked more than once in the article.
 * That's all I saw. Fixed. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:51, 29 July 2011 (UTC)
 * Try to avoid putting ref anchors in the middle of sentences. They can go at the end of the sentence w/o a problem.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:54, 29 July 2011 (UTC)

Overall

 * The article is in good shape but I can't quite pass it to GA just yet. Here are my concerns:
 * Is there anything about his mother? Perhaps not mentioning her name was just an omission and if so then including it will put the issue to rest for me.  If there is more to that part of his story then it should be included.
 * Clarify his status as a freshman. Did he sit out did he not?  This needs to be addressed in the lead as well.
 * A few nitpicky MOS issues like overlinking and use of some jargon.
 * Is there a picture that can be included? Per GA criteria a picture should be used if possible.  Even some ancillary that may not specifically apply to him.  Images are good and should be in GAs if possible.
 * Added a picture of his high school. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs ) ~ 04:56, 29 July 2011 (UTC)


 * I'll hold the article for a week pending work. If you have comments or concerns keep them on this page so we can keep the review all in one place.  Thanks and good job.  H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 21:26, 28 July 2011 (UTC)
 * I think the article has undergone some good changes and meets the GA Criteria. I will pass it at this time.  H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 15:52, 2 August 2011 (UTC)