Talk:Ray Hall (basketball)/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: LunaEatsTuna (talk · contribs) 05:47, 1 August 2023 (UTC)

I will (ideally) review this tomorrow (2 August UTC).  ツ LunaEatsTuna  (💬)— 05:47, 1 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Just a quick heads-up that I've been told offwiki Luna doesn't have internet access for the next few days, but will be able to resume the reviews after. Vaticidalprophet 16:02, 27 August 2023 (UTC)


 * Pass. This is the longest review I have ever done, and it is for an article that is just 1,000 words – oops.  ツ LunaEatsTuna  (💬)— 16:34, 5 September 2023 (UTC)

Copyvio check
Earwig gives no concerns.

Prose

 * In § High school, recommend opening with his full name.
 * OK--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:23, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "in the inner city" – do we know what city this refers to?
 * Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:26, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "At Canisius, Hall is the all-time Canisius" – rephrase to avoid using Canisius twice in close-succession. Also:
 * fixed-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:28, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * The following five few sentences all commence with He; they would look better alternating between he and Hall.
 * Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:31, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "most recent Canisius NBA draftee" – wikilink NBA.
 * Linked NBA draft-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:33, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "4-year teammate Mike Smrek (2nd round, 1st pick) 1985 NBA draft" – I think this should be Mike Smrek's.
 * Different fix.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:35, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "scoring records, he formerly held" – recommend using Hall here.
 * Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:37, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "(surpassed Al McClain, 1980–84 1861 and surpassed by Reggie Lewis, 1983–87 2709)" is a bit jargon-y; recommend rephrasing. I reckon this can be written and expanded upon a bit without the parentheses.
 * OK.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:40, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "Hall scored 13 points" – I would use he here.
 * OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:41, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "posted a 32%" – percent per MOS:%.
 * OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:42, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "back to October 1986 training camp" – pretty sure this needs a the.
 * Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:44, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "and he signed with the team in October" – should this not be "that October"?
 * Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:45, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "that would visit" – recommend rephrasing as "that would" was just used. And:
 * OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:47, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "Seoul, Korea" should be Seoul, South Korea.
 * OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:47, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * Wikilink MVP.
 * Done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:49, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "Later in August 1988," – should probably be "Later that August".
 * OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:51, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
 * "abroad (in the 1988 PBA Reinforced Conference)" – the parentheses are not necessary.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:53, 26 August 2023 (UTC)

— Preceding unsigned comment added by LunaEatsTuna (talk • contribs) 22:42, August 20, 2023 (UTC) -TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 01:15, 22 August 2023 (UTC)

Refs
Spotcheck good to go on refs 4, 11, 12 and 28.