Talk:Royce White/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: JDOG555 (talk · contribs) 21:06, 25 December 2011 (UTC)

I will be starting the review shorty JDOG555 (talk) 21:06, 25 December 2011 (UTC)

Quick Comments
Just some quick comments, the repitive use of "he" is annoying. I noticed some of your sentences are a couple words long and start with "he". The personal life section needs to be expanded. I'll give a full list of comments later JDOG555 (talk) 21:31, 25 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I have replaced a bunch of the "he"s.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:14, 25 December 2011 (UTC)

Review
Okay here is my review, if I am off-base on any of these please tell me.


 * GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)


 * 1) It is reasonably well written.
 * a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
 * 1) It is factually accurate and verifiable.
 * a (references): b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a (major aspects): b (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:

Lead
The lead for this article is good only 2 things I would consider changing or removing Lead seems pretty good, can't seem anything wrong with it


 * "He has endured disciplinary issues that have necessitated transfers in both high school and college." Is this neccessary? Sounds kinda uneeded to me.
 * Unless you think it is misleading or POV it should remain, IMO. So much of the text describes the issues at Minnesota, that I can't see how you could summarize the article and not include at least that.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 01:42, 26 December 2011 (UTC)


 * "His success at the college and professional level is highly anticipated." I would suggest removing this statement, too bias.
 * This is also a summary of points in the text: 1.) expected NBA first rounder 2.) Big 12 Preseason Newcomeer of the Year. Considering the specific prose it is summarizing, is it still biased?--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:25, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 01:42, 26 December 2011 (UTC)

Infobox

 * If no records remove it.
 * done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:26, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * If he set any state records, I have no sources for them.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:29, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Add any Career Highlights?
 * Aside from his honors and championships, I don't know of any relevant highlights. He may have lead the Minneapolis City leagues in scoring or something, but I have no sources for that.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:29, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 02:12, 26 December 2011 (UTC)

High school
Is this really needed, I would get remove of it
 * First line "Born in Minneapolis," expand to something like "Born in Minneapolis, White went to DeLaSalle High School for his freshman to junior years. For his senior year, White went to Hopkins High School.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:34, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * He had dozens of collegiate scholarship → He had dozens of collegiate scholarship offers.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:39, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "During that season White beefed up his weight from approximately 210 pounds (95.3 kg) to about 225 pounds (102.1 kg)."
 * If I were sure that the weights were precise, I would keep them.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:40, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I just can't see how it is really relevant, if you decide to keep it I would suggest changing the wording for "beefed up" JDOG555 (talk) 02:12, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I have removed it.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 02:20, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)

College
What was the incident?
 * "White was initially a suspect in a November incident"
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:50, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)


 * "During his time away from basketball, he learned to play the piano." Is this relevant or needed?
 * Most sports bios are considered devoid of non-sports content. This helps us round out his personality for the reader.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:50, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 02:10, 26 December 2011 (UTC)


 * Change Because Whtie → Because White
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:51, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Rewrite "He transferred to Iowa State prior to using any of his athletic eligibility at Minnesota and applied to the NCAA for a waiver to be eligible to play during the 2010–11 NCAA Division I men's basketball season. The NCAA denied his waiver." to something like "He transferred to Iowa State prior to using any of his athletic eligibility at Minnesota and applied to the NCAA for a waiver to be eligible to play during the 2010–11 NCAA Division I men's basketball season, but his waiver was denied."
 * I rewrote to eliminate the short 2nd sentence, but I retained active voice.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:56, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)


 * Move the reference for "Iowa State appealed the decision" at the end of the sentence
 * It belongs where it is. Refs preferably follow punctuation marks, not necessarily at the end of sentences. This is a ref for the first half of the sentence.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:53, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 02:10, 26 December 2011 (UTC)

Personal
Who is his grandfather?
 * Consider expanding a bit more if possible.
 * I got nothing unless you want the piano/music career stuff here.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 01:57, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Well it said "While suspended from the team, he spent some of his extracurricular time on his music career." Add some details about his musical career maybe JDOG555 (talk) 02:14, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I have expanded that section as much as is reasonable given the currently available sources.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 02:37, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "His grandfather, who won a national intramural basketball championship, attended University of Minnesota with Winfield."
 * I added the name Frank. It seems like he may have been his legal guardian, but I have no sources.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 02:00, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)

Images
--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 02:16, 26 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Consider adding a picture of him
 * I am requesting a license change for the following:
 * http://www.flickr.com/photos/goiowastate/6445412929/in/set-72157628256524455
 * http://www.flickr.com/photos/goiowastate/6519365053/in/set-72157628412351257/
 * http://www.flickr.com/photos/goiowastate/6509245019/in/set-72157628412351257
 * http://www.flickr.com/photos/goiowastate/6509242743/in/set-72157628412351257

GA PASS
Congratulations all of my issues have been addressed, your article is now a Good Article! JDOG555 (talk) 04:22, 26 December 2011 (UTC)