Talk:Ryan Ellis/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: KnowIG (talk) 18:25, 4 March 2011 (UTC)

Disambig links Pat Quinn Power play

Ref #26 is dead.

Prose

Over three junior seasons, he has won back-to-back Memorial Cups with Windsor as Canadian major junior champions in 2009 and 2010. End of sentence after Windsor does not make sense. need new sentence or clarification

Individually, he has been named to the OHL All-Rookie, First All-Star and Second All-Star Teams. Read the sentence out. None of it makes sense mainly because it needs to be named the OHL ALL Rookie and named in... Although 2nd all star team need a link here if you can find. I think I know what you mean but with out clarification it sounds like he has been named on both sides of an all star game, which is not what you mean. You mean he made the 1st team all star squad and the 2nd team all star squad.
 * I did some tweaking, but am unsure of what you're looking for. I mentioned the years that he was chosen to the teams so that there is no confusion that he was chosen to opposite sides of an all-star game in the same year. Also, are you looking for a wikilink or an external link to the 2nd all-star team?

in the infobox i'm pretty sure that Windsor Spitfire should not be in italics. Please see other sport pages for an idea of whether that is right or not.
 * The italics are done automatically due to the formatting of the infobox. Nothing I can really do about it.

Main prose

Spell out and link OHL when first mentioned

He was named to the Canadian Hockey League (CHL) and OHL All-Rookie Teams. I feel we will get this a lot second time and we're in para one of the main text. So I'll state all over. NOT name to BUT NAMED IN. Please correct everywhere you've written it cause I won't state it again.
 * Sorry, I'm unclear what the problem is in saying "named to". This is the first time I've encountered this prose issue in several GAs and FAs.
 * Apparently this is an Americanism. Where as I am a Brit. Alas it looks wrong to me. Do as you please, it will be fine :P KnowIG (talk) 23:42, 7 March 2011 (UTC)

Also recognized for his academic performance, Ellis maintained an 81 percent average in university preparation courses at St. Anne High School, earning him the league's Bobby Smith Trophy. Also does not start a sentence. could be written as Ellis was reconized for his acedmic abilities and was the Bobby Smith Trophy recipiant. Ellis attened St. Anne High school and maintained an 81 percent average during what ever season this was

He beat out the Sarnia Sting's Steven Stamkos, who had won the award the previous year.[6] In the 2008 playoffs, Ellis added five points in five games as the Spitfires were eliminated by the Sting. Beat out. Nope. Ellis beat Steven Stamoks of Sarenia Sting to the award. Stamkos was the previous recipiant of the award. No strike all what I've said in this bit and what you have written as it won't make any sense at all. The last bit of the sentence should go with the maintaind 81 percent. during the 2008 season as the spitfires were eliminated by the Sting in the semi finals.
 * Tried doing some work with these sentences, but I have no idea what you're trying to say here.. Among many things, what do you mean by "No strike all"? Could you do clarify?

Ellis started the following season being named OHL Defenceman of the Month for October 2008 Doesn't flow nor does it make sense. Ellis was named the OHL Defenceman for October at the start of the following season.

Later in the season, he represented the OHL in the 2008 ADT Canada-Russia Challenge[10] competed for the Western Conference at the 2009 OHL All-Star Classic in Windsor and participated in the 2009 CHL Top Prospects Game. Full stop needed after Russia Challenge. Then Ellis also ccmpeted for... Delete the bit about in windsor. It should be fine.

Towards the end of the campaign, Ellis was chosen as OHL Player of the Week a second time on April 20, 2009, having recorded two goals and five assists in the previous three games. Move this to where he wins the first time and reconfigure sentence so it fits.

Improving to 22 goals, 67 assists and 89 points in 57 games in 2008–09, Ellis led all league defencemen and finish second in team scoring to Taylor Hall.[13][14] He ranked first in the league in assists, seventh in points and second in plus-minus rating (+52).[1][15] As a result, Ellis was named to the OHL First All-Star Team and awarded the Max Kaminsky Trophy, beating fellow nominees P. K. Subban and Cameron Gaunce as the league's top defenceman.[1][4] He was additionally voted the smartest player, hardest shot and best offensive defenceman in the Western Conference in an annual poll of OHL coaches.[1][16] Ellis later cited the smartest player selection as his most rewarding recognition to that date. Why is this a new paragraph? One paragraph per a season. Comeback to this paragraph later.
 * I don't know, I actually object to the strict idea of one season per paragrah. A lot can happen in one season and if I join it all together, you're looking at a pretty big chunk of prose (on my browser, it'd be 11 lines).

Windsor entered the 2009 OHL playoffs as the top-ranked team in the West. Ellis added 31 points in 20 games, tying for third in post-season scoring[17] while helping the Spitfires to a J. Ross Robertson Cup as league champions. Earning a berth in the 2009 Memorial Cup, the Spitfires went on to win the national major junior championship over the Kelowna Rockets. Ellis recorded four points in six games to be named to the Tournament All-Star Team.[4] Again why seperate paragraph and needs to be moved to go after the all star games then it makes sense with the season stats after it.
 * I disagree, because the regular season stats don't apply to the playoffs, nor do the awards you're referring to. The playoffs are completely separate in regards to individual statistics and awards.

down from fifteenth in their midterm rankings.[11] Trivial surely as he only went down a spot.

Rest of the section looks fine but this sentence Ellis subsequently attended his first NHL training camp with Nashville, but was cut in late-September 2009 needs sorting. How and where has he cut. Are one thing and why is the cut important. Did he go home early or was he ok. You see the point here very clunky and doesn't tell the whole story.

International Team Ontario won eight straight games en route to a gold medal finish. Won eight consecuative games as they won the tournament. Ellis led all tournament defenceman. Change to Ellis was the tournament's leading defenceman. And can be written on several other occassions when you have led all tournament defence. Change all to tournament's leading defenceman then whatever. Change all of them.

As a two-time veteran of Canada's junior team, Ellis opted not to attend the club's annual summer evaluation camp.[42] Club? So wrong rephrase.

play three times in the tournament. To play in three different tournaments.
 * I feel like saying "to play in three different tournaments" could refer to other competitions besides the WJC. (ie. it could be interpreted as, "he was the seventh player to play in the U17, U18 and WJC.)

quarterinal. You missed the f

Season stats should be sourced find his profile that will do.
 * With the exception of one year, all his OHL and international season stats are actually referenced by way of his ranking among the league/team. Is this sufficient? The reference, in all cases, is in the same sentence.

Personal life mentions early hockey stuff. Think that needs to be moved to the first section after the lead.

Kudos for referencing all records that note and awards. Just need his season records referencing.

May add a bit once your done here KnowIG (talk) 21:20, 4 March 2011 (UTC)
 * I think I addressed all your above concerns. Let me know if there's anything I didn't do sufficiently or if there's anything else I can do. Also, thanks very much for the review! It had been on the GA list for a while, so I appreciate you taking the time. However, I did find it very hard to understand a lot of your comments. I understand it was a long review, but in many parts I simply had no idea what you were trying to say. Besides that, I hope to hear back from you soon.. cheers! Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 23:28, 7 March 2011 (UTC)
 * He beat out the Sarnia Sting's Steven Stamkos, who had won the award the previous year.[6] In the 2008 playoffs, Ellis added five points in five games as the Spitfires were eliminated by the Sting. Beat out. Nope. The last bit of the sentence should go with the maintaind 81 percent.THe rest should be during the 2008 season as the spitfires were eliminated by the Sting in the semi finals with Ellis scoring 5 points. KnowIG (talk) 21:19, 11 March 2011 (UTC)
 * I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure what you want the sentence to look like. Could you write out exactly what you're looking for? Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 09:15, 14 March 2011 (UTC)
 * Not sure but I think he is referring to the playoff sentence following the season information and the awards info after that. I could be wrong but I think they want it something like:

Establishing himself as a top defencemen in the league during his rookie campaign, he scored 15 goals and 63 points over 63 games. His points total and +30 plus-minus rating led all OHL rookie defencemen. In the 2008 playoffs, Ellis added five points in five games as the Spitfires were eliminated by the Sarnia Sting. He was named to the Canadian Hockey League (CHL) and OHL All-Rookie Teams, along with Spitfires teammate Taylor Hall. Ellis was further recognized for his academic performance, maintaining an 81 percent average in university preparation courses at St. Anne High School, earning him the league's Bobby Smith Trophy as scholastic player of the year. He received the award over fellow nominee Steven Stamkos of the Sarnia Sting, who had won it the previous year.

That's what I get out of it anyway--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 03:54, 16 March 2011 (UTC)
 * Yes that is what I was inciting. Was going to change it in the article just now and write a note on the users page, but since you've done this I won't bother :) KnowIG (talk) 09:10, 16 March 2011 (UTC)
 * Ahh ok.. right on. Done.  Thanks Mo Rock for the clarification!  And thanks KnowIG again for the review!  Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 00:57, 17 March 2011 (UTC)